Random Asides

Why Don’t People Ever Write Back to Me

All I want to do is take advantage of the great unsolicited offers that are emailed to me.

Dear sirs,

This is johnson greetings from eastern tech of China.

We are a professional laser machine maker, laser machine is widely used on different business sectors, it can engrave on varied materials such as fabric, leather, pu, pvc, plastics,rubber, wood, acrylic, plexiglass,paper board,bamboo, stone, jade, crystal, ceramic, composition materials, it can cut paper, fabric, leather, pu, pvc, plastic,acrylic, wood, compostion materials etc nonmetal materials.

Our ETDP diode-pumped laser marking machine can engrave perfect artworks on all kinds of metal surface and plastics, ETNC ccd camera laser cutting machine can cut finished label off automatically.

The laser use high energy of laser beam to vaporized the touchpoint of materials so it can leave marks on materials and cut off the materials, it has special advantage over traditional tools with its non-contact processing and handle with software materials. when you are having problem to handle materials with tradtional machines, you can try laser processing to see if it help.

We provide free sample service and we welcome your any enquires and advice.

Please visit our website for more info:


Best regards!

sales manager
Dongguan Eastern Technology Company
Mobile: 0086-18664094993
E-mail: [email protected]
Msn: [email protected]
Skype: etntec

And my response:

Dear Johnson,

This is Package; greetings from an ice lair deep beneath Antarctica. I was very excited to receive your email, as my organization has been looking for a laser machine dealer for some time now. We’ve traveled the world attempting to find what you are essentially offering – what are the chances that someone would just email us out of the blue!

You mention that your laser gun can vaporize the touchpoint of materials, but in your list of materials you didn’t mention epidermis. The last laser gun we bought was tested by our researchers on a newborn feline, and we found it severely lacking. What we’re looking for is not just an “etching” or singeing, but more of a complete vaporization or even explosion. Something that would both destroy the target and invoke feelings of absolute dread and subservience in spectators.

Do let me know if you have anything along those lines.



That was three days ago. No response. :(

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon mstdn.social/@rebeccawatson Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky @rebeccawatson.bsky.social

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    1. Definately true. If you go to etntec.com you will see they are all about proper grammar!

  1. Disappointing but I’m sure you’ll be hearing from a hoard of angry LOLCAT or PETA crowd soon enough. They might even come to your door. :D

  2. Rookie mistake. If you want to get through to them, you need to let them know that you’re serious. Talk numbers. I suggest opening with a standard Doomsday Device bid of one million dollars, payable in the self-printed currency you’ll be enforcing once your world domination scheme comes to fruition. If they still won’t bite, tell them you’ll throw in a small country. Nothing hooks ’em quite like letting them be King of Malta.

  3. You ought to act like a “serious” customer to lure a response, THEN you can start showing them how crazy you are. I’m reminded of the folks at 419eater who do this with the “I need help getting 27 Million United States Dollars out of my country” scammers, though this could well be an otherwise-honest (?) Chinese businessperson using email spam (NOT an honest thing to do) for cheap/free worldwide advertising.

    A while back I started getting promotional emails from a prominent guitar company (located in, ahem, Nazareth, PA). I’m pretty sure I know where they scraped my email from (a songwriting site), but I never gave my permission for that otherwise-legitimate company to send me emails. I tweeted about it, the company tweeted back an apology and offered to remove my address (if only I would tell them what it is), but that’s trying to correct a sin that shouldn’t have happened. Why should I remove myself from a list I didn’t sign up for to begin with? I marked them as “spam” in gmail, and they now go to my gmail spam folder (and hopefully OTHERS’ gmail spam folders) with all the other unsolicited emails I get. They scraped themselves up a dirty list, and they should pay the price for it.

    Ben, spamfighter since 1996.

  4. I once got spammed on an IM program and proceeded to spam the guy back for 15 minutes with weird website like `http://www.furnitureporn.com/
    He actually took a little while before he blocked me, but I felt good about spamming the spammer.

  5. I’m always disappointed when they don’t take up my offers to improve their ad copy.

  6. There was no response because you’re a scary person! :P

    Perhaps next time you should say that you tested the product on Jenny McCarthy, Jim Carry, Rick Perry, Andrew Wakefield, Sarah Palin or Rick Santorum.

    Definately more of a positive response than stating “newborn feline”!

  7. Before you purchase a doomsday laser (so gauche), could my company interest any parties in the use of a weather machine? We’ll throw in a “darkness gun” and a peeling knife ABSOLUTELY FREE!

  8. That is disappointing, but then who really needs an entire house filled with popcorn anyway.

    I thank you, my mother thanks you, my sister thanks you, and William Atherton thanks you.

  9. How disappointing when after all these years of thinking the secret lair was on a tropical island I now find out it’s in an isolated ice cave.

  10. Wow! Spam spam. Love it.

    Perhaps they didn’t write back because you were too coherent. You could work on that. Perhaps a class in technical communication would help.

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