Today I learned that the Pope has graciously allotted six magical days during his trip to Madrid during which priests will be allowed to forgive the sin of getting an abortion. (I wonder if that 9-year old Brazilian rape victim can afford a ticket to Madrid? Answer: probably not!) Daniela of Esceptica will be reporting on it more, but in the meantime fellow Skepchick Mindy suggested that this Abortion Amnesty Week is part of the Vatican’s plan to remain relevant, which led me to wonder what else they might be trying. Well, I looked into it and you won’t believe some of the great ideas they have in store!
6. The iPope App*
For just $7,000, you can download an app for your iPhone that will show a video of the Pope waving at you from several hundred feet away. Tapping buttons on the screen will allow you to virtually genuflect, clutch your rosary, and feel bad about yourself for being such a terrible sinner.
5. Pope-i-mon for GameBoy Advance
“Saint Margaret the Barefooted, I choose you!” Collect all your favorite saints and then train them to battle for you. Will Saint Gereon save you from a major headache when Scholastica uses her seizure attack? The only way to find out is to play!
4. Sin-gled Out
In this crazy new reality show, 12 adolescents compete to be the least sinful according to Catholic doctrine! The winner gets a personal one-on-one Bible study with a well-respected Catholic priest who has just recently moved to the area.
3. Toilet Papal (pictured)**
Celebrate your love of the Pope with this very special toilet paper! Whether you’re throwing it over telephone wires or doing something else with it, use it in whatever way best represents your feelings toward the Pope.
2. Unlimited Blood of Christ Refills with Each Eucharist from 4pm-6pm Fridays
The best part about being a Catholic – drinking in Church – is about to get even better! During “Happy Hour,” devoted Catholics will be allowed all the blood they can drink, plus half-priced appetizers served on Eucharist wafers.
1. Pope Pin-up Calendar***
Do you wish you could see more of the Pope? Much, much more? Good news! This calendar will help you identify which Saint’s day is coming up tomorrow and which mole on the beloved Pontiff’s upper thigh is most in need of biopsy.
*This one is actually true. Sort of. Find out more about the Vatican’s iPhone app, Twitter page, Facebook profile, and YouTube channel at the hilariously named Pope2U.net!
**The Catholic Church didn’t make it, but yeah, it’s true!
***Got ya, this one was kind of true, too!