Skepchick Quickies, 4.13


Jen is a writer and web designer/developer in Columbus, Ohio. She spends too much time on Twitter at @antiheroine.

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  1. I guess I’m some kind of freak of nature because equality totally turns me on, and nothing kills the mood faster than a man spanking me after I specifically told him I don’t like that, or a man who nags about doing it without a condom after I’ve already told him that he has to wear one. A man who insists on doing things his own way is not appealing to me in the least. But I also prefer men close to my own height to avoid neck pain when kissing, so I guess I’m just weird all over.

    I was disappointed that the article reference “The Rape of the Sabine Women”, which wasn’t about forced sex, but was actually just about kidnapping, which was the older meaning of rape.

  2. That Psychology Today article more or less encompasses everything I find wrong about misunderstandings of equality, consent and healthy sexuality all rolled into one. There’s a wonderful smattering of evo-psych salt on top as well, which is just wonderful. It makes me want to bite something.

    The conflation of equality of rights and opportunities with the sexes being identical and non-sexy is obvious, of course. “You can’t possibly have really hot sex if your partner respects you as an equal, because then you can’t have the ‘natural’ male-dominant/female-submissive sex everyone totally wants.*’

    And I love the implicit idea that any kink whatsoever has to by definition have non-consensual overtones. Are they idiots? From absolutely everything I’ve ever read about BDSM interplay (not my thing, precisely, but fascinating sociologically), is part of the sexiness involves is that having established limits and consent that you can dominate/submit freely and have a great time while being safe and happy. It’s like these people have never, ever read most of the things I have regarding how feminism and equality play into BDSM.

    I seriously don’t understand why this idea that being open and respectful about your sexual needs (i.e. having a healthy attitude about sex), desires and fantasies within a couple is so hard. With good communication, couples have absolutely great sex without having to rely on tired social expectations to help you figure out how to please your partner. Terribly disappointed in this article; how on Earth did this pass muster?

    *By the way, really? We all of us want rigidly defined gender roles is sex and none of it is socially constructed?

    1. I agree with everything you said, and I wanted to add this. In the article, one of the first things they state is: “Twice as many women as men report trouble getting turned on.” This is true, but maybe it has nothing to do with feminism, but perhaps is a symptom of our culture that teaches women to not be in touch with their bodies and sexual organs, or to feel shame about them. It could also be that horrible idea that women are still expected to do more housework and childcare, even while working, so unfortunately, they don’t have time to think about sex, because there’s just so much on their plate.

      No, no, it’s feminism. Definitely. Evil, evil, feminism.

      1. Yes, to all that. And also, just maybe, women have a harder time getting turned on because men aren’t as good at turning them on. It’s almost as though we live in a society where girls are taught from an early age how to turn men on, while boys are taught that their satisfaction comes first and that they don’t really need to bother worrying about what women like.

        I would be really interested to see if women in lesbian couples are less likely to report having trouble getting turned on than women in heterosexual couples.

        1. When men are often given the implicit and explicit message that being aggressive, impatient and dominating are normal or even essential components of sex, there’s not much of an opportunity to learn more egalitarian skills.

  3. I don’t get off on either dominance or submission. Articles like that kinda make me feel like no one thinks I’m sexy. Hopefully, people have more variation than that.

  4. With the new format page format, skepchick quickies are no longer quick! Certainly we can come up with a better solution right?

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