There, I said it.
All of you sent us this story about “Touchdown Jesus” being struck by lightning and burning to the ground, probably because it’s hilarious that God or Zeus or whoever hated that thing so much he quite literally had to kill it with fire. And while it did make me laugh, it also made me a bit sad for one important reason:
I like crazy freaks and the freaky giant roadside things they create to advertize their crazy freakiness.
But don’t worry! There are other roadside saviors out there.
Touchdown Jesus may be gone now, but I’m happy that we still have the third largest Jesus in the world: Gumby Jesus, the 67-foot tall Jesus of the Ozarks, who according to local legend had to be lowered a few feet to avoid the heathen law enforcement from giving him a blinking red beacon-halo to stop planes from crashing into his noggin.
Gumby Jesus is also known as Our Milk Carton With Arms, apparently.
If Jesus isn’t really your thing, go with another miraculous cheater-of-death: Mike the Headless Chicken. The story goes that his head was chopped off but he lived for 18 months afterward by being fed with an eyedropper through the hole in his neck. You can find his statue in Fruita Colorado.
Not a meat eater? Go for the 55-foot tall Jolly Green Giant in Blue Earth Minnesota. HeÂ gave the world his only begotten son so we could enjoy peas in a can.
If you’re just looking for a savior (and who isn’t), you can see a very nice Obama-approved 15-foot tall bronze Superman in Metropolis, Illinois.
The point is, as much as I love the idea of lightning striking and burning down a ridiculous giant Jesus statue, I also love ridiculous giant statues in general. So I say, more of this kind of thing! Let’s erect an atheist roadside statue. A solid bronze Flying Spaghetti Monster? A 50-foot Darwin? Christopher Hitchens’ middle finger rising from the desert along some lonesome highway? Something. I think I’m going to start a new offshoot of the atheist bus campaign.