Multi Level Marketing in a 21st Century Delivery System
Thought Iâ€™d tell you about CieAura Transparent Holographic Chips. Seems to be an alternative healing scam with a new twist. Well, at least it is new to me. And honestly, when I first heard about the chips on twitter and was offered a sample I will admit that I got kinda excited! I instantly envisioned beautiful laser projected holographic sour cream and onion potato chips that you could eat sorta like Homer did when he goes into space and has to eat all the ruffled chips in zero-gravity and I thought to myself, WOW what a great idea for a diet plan! You could literally eat ALL the holographic chips you wanted and never gain a pound! If they could laser project the flavor without the fat and sodium heck Iâ€™d be all over that product! But sadly these chips arenâ€™t even half as cool as my snack food fantasy. In fact they aren’t even food at all.
But do not fear my friends, for what the chips lack in deliciousness they surely make up for in utter mind-numbing bullshit. And based on the company’s efforts to bilk uninformed people out of their money and for their utter disregard for science and medicine and EVEN their misuse of altmed terms, I have decided to give them an official Surly Amy ASS-HAT Award!
Find out more about holographic asshattery after the jump!
What I learned from a video on a website that some gal from twitter sent me to:
Times are tough. (In the last few years more than ever, apparently.) And we all want to live life to the fullest and to the best of our abilities (especially while on a treadmill) and we want to focus and sleep with a white baby next to our head too. Right? Oh and we want to play lots of sports and take walks and be energized and relaxed too. Yeah, both. And we want to kiss people on the cheek and smile all the time. We all REALLY need to focus A LOT (but not on facts.) We definitely donâ€™t want to take any scary chemicals or evil modern medicine or even drink energy drinks (or learn about science.) Hell no, not us! We are 21st century Americans but we donâ€™t want none of that western medicine, no way. We need holistic medicine, ancient Chinese secrets and homeopathic chips that we stick on our body and on our children while they are sleeping. Oh, and you should stick them on anyone with a bad hip because the magic invisible vibrations that come out of the chip/sticker and interact with our bodyâ€™s bio-magnetic field and talk to the cells will make everything super-awesome and then you can take a walk and focus and relax too. All your pain will go away and all your bills get paid and you will get rich if you sign up with the company AND you will totally make the world a better place by giving out samples.
Yeah, so you stick what is like a microchip on your body in just the right spot and it will fix whatever is wrong with you with invisible vibrations and pretend-science and then unicorns will fly out of your butt and leprechauns will give you a hand-job. I mean it all makes perfect sense right?
Watch the ‘informational’ video HERE
This company obviously knows what they are doing as they are careful not to make any specific health claims on their website:
Disclaimer: â€¨CieAura products are sold for learning, self-improvement and simple relaxation. No statement contained in this writing, and no information provided by any CieAura employee or retailer, should be construed as a claim or representation that these products are intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment or prevention of disease or any other medical condition. The information contained in this writing is deemed to be based on reliable and authoritative report. However, certain persons considered experts may disagree with one or more of the statements contained here. CieAura assumes no liability or risk involved in the use of the products described here. We make no warranty, expressed or implied, other than that the material conforms to applicable standard specifications.
I love the line, “certain persons considered experts may disagree with one or more of the statements contained hereâ€ Ha! Ya think? And used for learning? Learning that it is a product that can’t actually work? Maybe.
Ironically, with all their chatter about alternative and holistic medicine they donâ€™t seem to even understand what homeopathy actually is. They say their product is homeopathic. Stick-on chips are not homeopathy. They do recommend you drink lots of water. Cuz you know, chips make you thirsty? Oh, right not those kinds of chips. I keep forgetting.
As with most MLM schemes the only people that make any money are the few people at the top of the pyramid while the huge majority of poor suckers who sign up after have to purchase enough product to meet their contractual obligations. They are told they are going to get rich but they are lucky if they ever make any money at all. We saw this same thing with the magic acai fruit juices. In fact, if you are a girl you probably had a friend try to force a bottle of magic anti-oxidant super juice on you a few years back. “No, you have to try it, it makes you pretty and healthy and boosts your immune system!” No, actually it just makes you less thirsty and more broke-ass. Yeah, I know you had to buy 30 cases to meet your quota and the bottles are 18 bucks a pop. That sucks for you.
Seems to be the same marketing plan here. Whatever is wrong with you, *THIS will fix it. *what ‘this’ is may vary depending on placebo threshold and level of stupidity.
If you need a laugh (or a cry) be sure to watch their â€œcutting edge scienceâ€ video! It has 0% cutting edge science and 100% anecdotes, chiropractors and old athletes! Chock full of all kinds of crazy shit about cells communicating through magical frequencies. Itâ€™s like someone heard about string theory, got the concept completely wrong and then vomited all over a sticker book at an alt-med clinic and then decided to sell it. (Maybe they ate too many chips?) Iâ€™m so glad they had people who got their degrees at â€œHollywood Upstairs Medical Collegeâ€ research it and try it out. Iâ€™m convinced! And by convinced I mean I am appalled by the companyâ€™s blatant disrespect for science, rational thought and well, people in general.
Has not a single chiropractor or any alternative â€œdoctorâ€ ever heard of the placebo effect or the scientific method? Seriously, wtf people? Stickers behind the ear? Cells communicating like a symphony? You canâ€™t be that stupid Oh wait, yes you can.
*I might have had the Simpsons on in the background when I wrote this. ;)