Holographic Chips

Multi Level Marketing in a 21st Century Delivery System

Thought I’d tell you about CieAura Transparent Holographic Chips. Seems to be an alternative healing scam with a new twist. Well, at least it is new to me. And honestly, when I first heard about the chips on twitter and was offered a sample I will admit that I got kinda excited! I instantly envisioned beautiful laser projected holographic sour cream and onion potato chips that you could eat sorta like Homer did when he goes into space and has to eat all the ruffled chips in zero-gravity and I thought to myself, WOW what a great idea for a diet plan! You could literally eat ALL the holographic chips you wanted and never gain a pound! If they could laser project the flavor without the fat and sodium heck I’d be all over that product! But sadly these chips aren’t even half as cool as my snack food fantasy. In fact they aren’t even food at all.

But do not fear my friends, for what the chips lack in deliciousness they surely make up for in utter mind-numbing bullshit. And based on the company’s efforts to bilk uninformed people out of their money and for their utter disregard for science and medicine and EVEN their misuse of altmed terms, I have decided to give them an official Surly Amy ASS-HAT Award!
asshat award

Find out more about holographic asshattery after the jump!

What I learned from a video on a website that some gal from twitter sent me to:

Times are tough. (In the last few years more than ever, apparently.) And we all want to live life to the fullest and to the best of our abilities (especially while on a treadmill) and we want to focus and sleep with a white baby next to our head too. Right? Oh and we want to play lots of sports and take walks and be energized and relaxed too. Yeah, both. And we want to kiss people on the cheek and smile all the time. We all REALLY need to focus A LOT (but not on facts.) We definitely don’t want to take any scary chemicals or evil modern medicine or even drink energy drinks (or learn about science.) Hell no, not us! We are 21st century Americans but we don’t want none of that western medicine, no way. We need holistic medicine, ancient Chinese secrets and homeopathic chips that we stick on our body and on our children while they are sleeping. Oh, and you should stick them on anyone with a bad hip because the magic invisible vibrations that come out of the chip/sticker and interact with our body’s bio-magnetic field and talk to the cells will make everything super-awesome and then you can take a walk and focus and relax too. All your pain will go away and all your bills get paid and you will get rich if you sign up with the company AND you will totally make the world a better place by giving out samples.

Yeah, so you stick what is like a microchip on your body in just the right spot and it will fix whatever is wrong with you with invisible vibrations and pretend-science and then unicorns will fly out of your butt and leprechauns will give you a hand-job. I mean it all makes perfect sense right?

Watch the ‘informational’ video HERE

This company obviously knows what they are doing as they are careful not to make any specific health claims on their website:

CieAura products are sold for learning, self-improvement and simple relaxation. No statement contained in this writing, and no information provided by any CieAura employee or retailer, should be construed as a claim or representation that these products are intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment or prevention of disease or any other medical condition. The information contained in this writing is deemed to be based on reliable and authoritative report. However, certain persons considered experts may disagree with one or more of the statements contained here. CieAura assumes no liability or risk involved in the use of the products described here. We make no warranty, expressed or implied, other than that the material conforms to applicable standard specifications.

I love the line, “certain persons considered experts may disagree with one or more of the statements contained here” Ha! Ya think? And used for learning? Learning that it is a product that can’t actually work? Maybe.

Ironically, with all their chatter about alternative and holistic medicine they don’t seem to even understand what homeopathy actually is. They say their product is homeopathic. Stick-on chips are not mmmm chipshomeopathy. They do recommend you drink lots of water. Cuz you know, chips make you thirsty? Oh, right not those kinds of chips. I keep forgetting.

As with most MLM schemes the only people that make any money are the few people at the top of the pyramid while the huge majority of poor suckers who sign up after have to purchase enough product to meet their contractual obligations. They are told they are going to get rich but they are lucky if they ever make any money at all. We saw this same thing with the magic acai fruit juices. In fact, if you are a girl you probably had a friend try to force a bottle of magic anti-oxidant super juice on you a few years back. “No, you have to try it, it makes you pretty and healthy and boosts your immune system!” No, actually it just makes you less thirsty and more broke-ass. Yeah, I know you had to buy 30 cases to meet your quota and the bottles are 18 bucks a pop. That sucks for you.

Seems to be the same marketing plan here. Whatever is wrong with you, *THIS will fix it. *what ‘this’ is may vary depending on placebo threshold and level of stupidity.

If you need a laugh (or a cry) be sure to watch their “cutting edge science” video! It has 0% cutting edge science and 100% anecdotes, chiropractors and old athletes! Chock full of all kinds of crazy shit about cells communicating through magical frequencies. It’s like someone heard about string theory, got the concept completely wrong and then vomited all over a sticker book at an alt-med clinic and then decided to sell it. (Maybe they ate too many chips?) I’m so glad they had people who got their degrees at “Hollywood Upstairs Medical College” research it and try it out. I’m convinced! And by convinced I mean I am appalled by the company’s blatant disrespect for science, rational thought and well, people in general.

Has not a single chiropractor or any alternative “doctor” ever heard of the placebo effect or the scientific method? Seriously, wtf people? Stickers behind the ear? Cells communicating like a symphony? You can’t be that stupid Oh wait, yes you can.

*I might have had the Simpsons on in the background when I wrote this. ;)

Amy Roth

Amy Davis Roth (aka Surly Amy) is a multimedia, science-loving artist who resides in Los Angeles, California. She makes Surly-Ramics and is currently in love with pottery. Daily maker of art and leader of Mad Art Lab. Support her on Patreon. Tip Jar is here.

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  1. This is what I was talking about earlier. I found the article in the June Skeptical Enquirer. I hope my SIL will take it in the spirit in which I sent it.

    (She’s a physical therapist with a degree from a reputable school. I can’t believe she’d fall for this, but fall she did…)

  2. You can get these for a few cents a piece (you have to order 100,000 min.) so I see a way to get very, very rich.

    I can’t make myself do it though (damned be my ethics). I am, however, scouring the import catalogs for some nice looking but cheap trinket to turn in my New Anti-woowoo-thingamabob-pendant-dealie (TM). I’ll sell it to all my skeptical friends, I’ll be rich. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Wait, skeptics are far to bright to fall for that (damned their freethinking asses).

    Oh poop.

  3. OK…Just to be clear. You think this product doesn’t work. Right?

    You killed me with this review. Loved it.

    It is too bad they aren’t edible. We need to get science focused on your holographic chip idea. If the chemists weren’t all working for the evil Big Pharma we would have so many more cool things like holographic chips instead of life saving medications that are so inherently bad for you because they come from Big Pharma
    We could market the holographic faux chips with an MLM scheme and oh wait…ethics. damn it. I hate it when ethics get it the way.

  4. No statement contained in this writing, and no information provided by any CieAura employee or retailer, should be construed as a claim or representation that these products are intended for use in the diagnosis, cure, mitigation, treatment or prevention of disease or any other medical condition.

    But don’t you see? That *proves* it works! Because it’s really official sounding. Like it was written by a lawyer. And we all know lawyers are expensive. Would they have spent all that money on lawyers for a product that didn’t work? I don’t think so.

  5. I have MLM of all sorts, but tying it into this woo stuff makes it even worse.

    In other news, I thought that the “Ass Hat Award” picture was depicting a person with a large pair of testicles resting on their forehead, which is somehow worse than having an ass for a hat. Maybe the crack should be longer…

  6. @Amy: Wait, I thought you made Applied Kinesiology pendants!

    And I think you should make the Surly Amy Asshat Award a regular thing. I know you skepchicks are busy having babies and busting psychics and all, but I like me some asshattery. It makes me feel smart. Of course, my fleeting feelings of superiority are quickly replaced by a sinking depression as I realize that someone is getting rich off of the general gullibility of perfectly nice humans… but then, tee hee, that guy’s wearing an ass hat (or else has balls on his face, but that does not detract at all from the cheeriness!).

  7. This post leaves me with only two questions:

    1. How big are the unicorns?
    2. How attractive are the leprechauns?

    The answers to these questions will determine whether I purchase this product.

  8. It’s like someone heard about string theory, got the concept completely wrong and then vomited all over a sticker book at an alt-med clinic and then decided to sell it.

    *Can’t stop laughing*

  9. I made it through about half the video. This chip is great, makes you sleep, makes anyone you want to sleep, gives you more energy, keeps you awake. Wait, it makes me sleep and keeps me awake? I think we need Chopra to explain this.

  10. @Amy: Wait, I thought I already was making anti woo pendants.

    Ah yes, but yours are beautiful. Mine are to be complete bulls….
    Erm. Assembled..
    Completely assembled to channel the forces of nature via the chi to buff your immune system and…

    I can’t even say this crap as a joke. And to think, my nickname in high school was actually Woo Woo, but for completely unrelated reasons.

  11. @B Hitt: It has to be a joke, right? Is Poe’s Law in play here?

    I’m pretty sure it is a joke for a few reasons.

    First is the definition of jejune (insubstantial, immature, and insipid among others) either that or they are completely tone deaf (not that I’d put that past any of these woo-woos).

    Second, I have seen the buildings that they show on their international locations page before. They are very distinctive and are not (as far as I know) attaches to a hippy-dippy “learning” institute.

    And finally is the following lifted from the page footer.
    ©1972 – 2036 The Jejune Institute

    Added together, I’d say it’s a joke and a good one at that.

  12. @mrmisconception: @here_fishy: Yes, indeed. What a great site. I love the time camera photo of the UFO at stonehenge. . . and their animal rescue program where it seems typical until the third paragraph and then, bam! “meditative osmosis sessions” for interspecies communication. Awesome.

    So, yeah. It’s very elaborate performance art and it looks like a lot of fun. Check out the yelp reviews and the despoiler wiki. I might actually go next time I’m in SF. Very clever folks. But still, Poe’s law; I think we can agree that countless woo-fans would stumble across the site and buy it wholesale.

    Oh, and I love that the research assistant’s name is Torry Hotprune.

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