Dear New York Times,
Thank you so much for your recent article, This Shoe Had Prada Beat by 5,500 Years. As a mindless consumer-zombie, I often miss out on important science news stories because they seem to be completely unrelated to my primary function in life: purchasing objects in the hopes of temporarily filling the yawning void in my soul that plagues my every waking moment.
I probably would have never read a story about archaeologists discovering some ancient doodad in a cave or whatever, because really, what have archaeologists done for me lately? But luckily I have a Google alert on the word “Prada,” so I was able to read your wonderful article about how some lady lived 5,500 years ago and she was, like, totally into handcrafted leather foot coverings just like I am! What’s next: discovering the oldest Cosmopolitan? THAT WOULD BE GREAT!
I especially enjoyed how you held my attention throughout the article by going on to mention Jimmy Choo, L.L. Bean (as if, HA HA am I right, ladies?), Manolo Blahniks, and celebrities named Sarah who ALSO WEAR SHOES such as Sarah Jessica Parker and Sarah Palin (I had no idea she wore red Double Dare pumps by Naughty Monkey, size 7 Â½ and now that I know I can absolutely DIE OF HAPPINESS!). From what I’ve learned about science in this article, I think we can safely conclude that the lady who wore this really old shoe was most definitely also named Sarah!
My favorite part of the article was probably the lady scientist saying, “To find a shoe has always been my dream.â€ Especially a free one, am I right ladies? Am I right?!
I’ll be honest, I kind of tuned out for the last six or seven paragraphs, but don’t worry: I got the message loud and clear! Ladies have loved their shoes since we were, like, monkeys or whatever. GIRL POWER!
I’m looking forward to future science articles written by Pam Belluck in this same style. I took the liberty of skimming over the other science articles in the New York Times this week and reimagined them as though Pam had written them:
Old headline: Studies Show Jewsâ€™ Genetic Similarity
New headline: Jerry Seinfeld and J. J. Abrams: Separated at Birth??
Old headline: In New Space Race, Enter the Entrepreneurs
New headline: Where Would Spock Live? A Conversation With Sexy Zachary Quinto
Old headline: Daring to Discuss Women in Science
New headline: Would More Women Be Scientists In Exchange for Free Manolo Blahnicks?
Well, you get the idea.
Thanks again, New York Times. You’ve shown us all the future of science journalism, and it’s so bright I’ve gotta wear Marc by Marc Jacobs shades.