AI: Your Finest Insult

I hope you all watch the fantastic show Better Off Ted, which features some very funny nerd and science humor, mostly courtesy of the lab techs. A recent episode revolved around the idea that a misspelled memo resulted in the entire company insulting one another at every opportunity. Here’s a behind-the-scenes video showing outtakes, of which apparently there were plenty since the actors were ad-libbing:

Here’s the formula the tech explains:

most marked physical feature + compare genitalia (male, female, or animal) + suffix with tard, gobbler, fucker, sucker, diddler, slurper, gurgler, queefer, puffer, knuckler, nuzzler, jacker, groper, tit-twister, and felcher

I have my own formula to fall back on when I don’t have an insult at hand. It’s much simpler:

expletive + rodent (or similar small mammal)

This results in insults like fuck rat, shit weasel, or cunt marmot.

What’s your favorite insult? Do you have a formula to help boost your vocabulary?

The Afternoon Inquisition (or AI) is a question posed to you, the Skepchick community. Look for it to appear daily at 3pm ET.

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky

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  1. Wankstain is my insult of choice. I have no desire to add adjectives to it – I find it descriptive enough as is.

  2. I just try to imagine what my boyfriend would say. He has a way with profanity. Someone recently made a crappy drink at a party we were at and he coined it the “Tangy nut sack.”

    Another one of his that I have appropriated “taint stain. “

  3. I have a tendency to lean on both the prefix “douche-” and the suffix “-nozzle”, as in, obviously, “douchenozzle”. Although “fucknozzle” or “shitnozzle” also work. Or “douchefuck”. “Douchenugget”. “Douchebowl”. “-Stick” is good, too. “Fuckstick”. “Douchestick”.

    I like the “douche-” insults mainly because douching is pretty well-established to be harmful to the vagina, much like most of the people choose to insult with them.

  4. @davew:
    I’m kinda in this boat. Most of my insults end up making people laugh, anyway – so it takes them a couple seconds to realize – ‘hey wait, I’m being made fun of.’

    That stated – Better Off Ted – never seen it, what station is it on?

  5. I was always fond of squirrel penis. As an insult, I mean.

    My sister had the best insult. A guy asked her out. She told him, “My life is too short to spend any of it with you.” Brilliant spontaneity doesn’t always show up in a timely manner…so a formula is a good fallback.

  6. I usually just stick with twit just because most people aren’t worth the trouble of coming up with something more creative.

  7. ‘if you had one more neuron, you’d have a synapse’

    ‘he/she has the personality of a sack full of owl sphincters’

    ‘who gives a flying rat’s sphincter?’

    i like the way sphincter just rolls off the tongue ;)

  8. I recently was being hassled by a guy via text messages. it was a wrong number and he refused to believe me thinking I was his friend just playing a joke on him.

    I called him fuck-shirt because it seemed to match is language. This went on for many months until one day he realized I was not who he thought I was.

    Stupid fuck-shirt

  9. I would *never* insult someone *ahem* unless they paid well. OK, maybe that’s not true:

    Anallingus-caused leaking prolapse decorated with cheap QVC jewelry.

    Sexually-confused condom-debris-fucking dust mite.

    Sexually-transmitted, puss-filled, dick pimple.

    Goat-fapping trainer.

    Broken-condom induced natural disaster.

    I don’t have a favorite, but I do use the word ‘douche-bag’ a lot, which is interesting because it really is the least insulting insult there is. As for a formula, not really, I do feel like I have a third grader in my head, sometimes, when I have to think of insults and that third grader just says, “quick, say something repulsive, you crab-infested, smegma-filled crypto-cunt-waffle.” Then I just repeat the insult she said because she’s a fucking smart third-grader. Oh, wait, imaginary voices, where are my meds?

  10. If there is some else around, I address that person and say, “It’s ok, a house just fell on her sister.”

  11. ” that trunk of humours,
    that bolting hutch of beastliness, that swoll’n parcel of
    dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuff’d cloakbag of
    guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly,
    that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that
    vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink
    it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it?
    wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany?
    wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in
    William Shakespeare Henry IV, Part I.

  12. Cock Badgers!
    Rather sounds like a troupe of super heroes.

    Or, as I sometimes say to particularly thick computer science graduates, “What was your degree in again, Media Studies?”

    And the ultimate of course, Belgium!

  13. I think the only time I use insults is when I play competitive video games, and then they’re free-associated curse words and other nastiness. Occasionally I’ll lob a serious insult at someone, but it’s usually very personal and based on things specific to that person.

  14. {NOUN1}-{VERB1}ing {NOUN2}-{VERB2}er, where all the words are ideally single-syllable, and the nouns are preferably body parts.

    Butt-stomping fuck-knocker (here the versatile “fuck” is a noun)
    Dick-winching taint-sniffer
    Pork-loafing goat-pusher
    Torque-hating uncle-muncher

    It’s hit or miss, but I think it’s a good formula.

  15. Mine don’t follow any formula, I just make note of any I like and keep them in the vat of free floating ideas in the back of my mind. So, ones to come to mind quickly are “about as pleasant as two bags of smashed assholes,” or “cum-coated-queen-of-the-cunts,” just for the alliteration. And for just showing disdain, a fucking twit seems to cover most people. There’s some pride in being a dick, bitch, asshole, and so on, but I’ve never met someone proud to call themselves a twit.

    And the dismissive “go piss up a rope” is always fun. I learned that one from my mother.

  16. I’ve always thought that smegger (a la Red Dwarf) was nasty sounding enough, and obscure enough for people to a) know that they’ve been insulted, and b) not know what they’ve been called.

    I’ve also had success along those lines with felcher, but for some strange reason, more and more people know what that means these days.

  17. My current favorite is syphilis-infested cum-bubble. I’m not really sure why, but double hyphens tend to work out well.

  18. My ex had a fondness for the word “fucktard” or, in the Bostonian, “fucktahd.”

    I’ve been wanting to use “Your momma’s so greedy she even charges you, motherfucker”, but that’s not really available outside of dozens contests.

  19. My favorite epithet is “pig fucking whore”, borrowed from William Munny, a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.

  20. Formula:

    Third world country , used as an adjective +

    A(w;h ./ b))B1(w1;h1 ./ b1); :::;Bn(wn;hn ./ bn) :
    w = w1:::wn; b = b1; :::;bn;
    Fcomp(h;h1; :::;hn); Fonto(b) +


    Such as Yemenese A(w;h ./ b))B1(w1;h1 ./ b1); :::;Bn(wn;hn ./ bn) :
    w = w1:::wn; b = b1; :::;bn;
    Fcomp(h;h1; :::;hn); Fonto(b) fucker!

    ( directly stolen from “Inducing Constraint-based Grammars using a Domain Ontology”
    Department of Computer Science
    Columbia University
    New York, New York, 10027

    with apologies to Smaranda Muresan )

  21. Good insults should be like poetry, they should flow, you cross-eyed, clap-ridden, whorebound bastard child of a spavined sheep.

    Get the alliteration going, you fuckfaced freak, and tell someone he’s a shitsucking spermhound.

  22. These work well face to face:
    The fact that you’re still alive is proof that voodoo doesn’t work.

    How many times were you dropped as a kid?

    The Red Algae of the (insert group here)
    A putrid slimy lump of shit.

  23. My favorite used to be “fucktard” but then I was called that while in the act of fucking. Now i find it incredibly offensive and hurtful.

    Ironically though, i find it wrong to use both “gay” and “retard” as an insult. However i have no problem with gaytard.

  24. While I agree with Davew that spur-of-the-m0ment jibes are the best, my personal favorites are usually the Bill Hicks-ish run-ons, like when he referred to Billy Ray Cyrus as a, “No-talent, cracker, asshole”.

    It’s all about fitting the target, such as when Jimmy Kimmel said Adam Carolla looked like, “Pete Sampras with Down’s Syndrome”.

    Ok, good talk.

  25. I am always a fan of Captain Haddock’s curses. For example: Fancy-dress freebooter.

    My friends and I have also taken to mixing douche or douchebag with other words. For example: Our asshole roommate who was named Hadid has become Hadouche. Dutch douchebags are Dutchbags.

  26. I like to use alternate words for the more “standard” insults. like “You’re full of bovine excrement!”

    I have been known to spit out “Intercourse!” instead of “Fuck” when I’m frustrated and watch people’s brains seize up when they hear it.

    I don’t really know what my favorite insult it, but “You’re not worth a ticks butt hair” is at least in the top three.

  27. For people it’s got to be ‘bawbag’ (aka scrotum for those non-Scots among you). Short and simple and rolls off the tongue beautifully. For situations it’s either “gayer than a handbag full of rainbows” or “gayer than a unicorn’s diary”…

  28. I like “mouth-breathing fuckwit”.

    In polite company, “halfwit” may be substituted, and “knuckle-dragging” may stand in for “mouth-breathing” if I need a little variety.

  29. They’re in Norwegian, so they won’t make any sense to you. I could translate, but without the cultural context they’d sound funnier than they are.

  30. I like asshat because it conjures up a ridiculous image in my head. My boyfriends favorite is douchelord. He thinks it’s hilarious.

  31. Fucknut and asshat are my ussual falbacks but I once called someone a moosepuddle, that seemed to go over well.

  32. I prefer to be less direct with insults I aim at people.

    The webcomic Wondermark actually gave me a good way of voicing this.

    Describing what someone is doing that annoys me, then adding after it, “This speaks of some manner of deficit.”

  33. @Bjornar: Now I really want to hear those translations!

    I don’t often insult much beyond “stop being a jerk.” But on rare occasions, I pull out “may the fleas of 10,000 camels infest your armpits” – assuming I can say it with a straight face.

  34. On the office, they had an episode which involved playing ping pong, and one of the insults was, “Were your parents first cousins who were also bad at ping pong?”

    I love it, it’s very funny and can fit just about any situation

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