AI: Baby Times

If this AI has made it to post, that means I’m either pushing a baby out RIGHT NOW or I just did.


The Afternoon Inquisition (or AI) is a question posed to you, the Skepchick community. Look for it to appear daily at 3pm ET.


Chelsea is the proud mama of an amazing toddler-aged girl. She works in the retail industry while vehemently disliking mankind and, every once in a while, her bottled-up emotions explode into WordPress as a lengthy, ranty, almost violent blog. These will be your favorite Chelsea moments. Follow Chelsea on Twitter: chelseaepp.

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  1. And by the way: Congratulations! Having never participated in the act of producing offspring myself, the best advice I can give is:

    Never let your child forget where they came from. Namely, naked, bloody and screaming from your vag.

  2. Not to wish illness on her, but I await the AI when the baby is sick for the first time reading;


  3. The first one my wife popped out made awful sounds when we put it in the bathtub, so my advice is not to bathe it for at least the first three months!

    And for those of you wondering, I’m pretty sure we put the right end in the water first.

    Congrats! And heartfelt condolences on your loss (of sleep).

  4. Hug, cuddle, have fun and nurse until she’s six just to piss people off and add to the bewbs discussions.

    @LtStorm: Yea, I’m looking forward to the first erp, poop, pee AI myself.

  5. Congratulations! And yes, it’s a closed loop: Feed/change/feed/change for a bit. Then they start noticing things and their eyes goggle at the newness of it all and you start looking at things in a whole new way yourself.

    Then they hit sixteen or so and you never get to drive your own car again.

  6. @jtradke:

    Yes, swear words are important. My kid thinks that “shit” and/or “fuck” are the proper ways to fix laptops and gaming systems and ask for more milk.

    He holds out his sippy cup and yells “OH SHIT!” Really, “please” is such a pretentious word, isn’t it?

  7. ????

    Don’t look at me, I don’t like kids. Don’t want them, don’t need them. I’m lucky to keep a plant alive. Occasionally, a coworker will bring in their child. I don’t particularly mind, as long as its just once in a while. But, last week, a coworker’s wife brought in they baby when she picked up the coworker, and that baby was butt-ugly, but everyone was going…gaga over it.

    @mahlersoboes: hahah-COTW!

  8. 1. They’re pretty durable. If you don’t do everything perfectly, they won’t explode.
    2. Baby wipes are your friend.
    3. Sleep when the baby sleeps or never sleep again. Your choice.
    4. Always carry a spare set of clothes for the baby …and yourself …and anyone else within spitting distance.
    5. Up until walking age, shoes are just things that end up stuck under the sofa.
    6. Yes, it stinks. Yes, it gets all over everything. Get used to it.

  9. You must take pictures of babby doing funny grown-up things: wearing sunglasses, clutching a beer bottle, being sat upon by a dog, and doing the Vulcan hand salutation.

  10. Aww! Congratulations! Everyone pretty much covered everything but I’ll add:

    -Baby puke is totally water soluble (when on milk/formula only) so just dab with water and continue on with your day :-P

    -Baby feet are/always will be the best things EVER! If they made them into cereal I would eat them for breakfast every morning.

    -Get a Star Trek onesie NOW. They are as impressionable as they are ever going to get. You have to start young.

  11. @Surly Nymph: “-Baby feet are/always will be the best things EVER! If they made them into cereal I would eat them for breakfast every morning.”

    I’m willing to work on getting together venture capital for this idea if you’ll sign over rights to it in exchange for a lifetime of free product.

  12. Congratulations!

    For right now, just feed, change, and cuddle. Work on her butterfly guard, upa, and maybe a basic arm bar. Standup martial arts and gun training shouldn’t start until she turns at least 3.

  13. Yay! No one mentioned this: Start reading to her… now… the more “in-the-habit” you are to do it, the better. Plus it’s therapeutic for you when all you have time for is breathing between feedings and sleep. You’ve got the rest, I know it! Congratulations, Chelsea and Jason!

  14. There’s are lots of books, and some of them are even useful.

    Give your child lots of love, and remember that you’re training them to be independent by the time they’re 18.

  15. Aw kids are easy. You just put em in your pocket and throw em an M&M once in a while!

    why the hell can’t I find a youtube for that? argh.

  16. Congratulations!!!

    I don’t know if this will ever apply, but I eventually found it a good piece of advice: “Don’t ever let the problems among children become the problems among adults”.

  17. Congratulations!

    Play with her. Read to her. Laugh with her. Love her. Set limits. Bend them as she bends. Set new limits. Cry with her. Love her.

    Repeat and Rinse.

  18. Awwww… Good luck with all that.

    Babies do not smell bad until you start with solids.

    (I’m using some of these FUNNEH posts as new baby cards for friends!)

  19. Name it something funny an inappropriate. Teach it that the word for apple is orange, and the word for orange is apple.

    Make sure you get a cut when it makes a book deal as an adult about its absurd childhood.

  20. Free range babies are overated. Get a play pen then you can get stuff done without the constant worry that the kid is going to pull something down on their head.

    Also I think you should start her out with Babylon 5, then Star Trek TOS, NG and then Star Wars.

    Read to her all the time.

    Let her help you in the kitchen. It won’t be help until she is about 12 but she will think she is helping even though it makes it harder for you and she will learn not to freak out at the sight of her own blood. And she will be willing to try more foods earlier in life.

    Oh and boxing lessons. There are a lot of bullies in the world.

  21. 1. no, really, they bounce.
    2. the “No thank you bite” they can’t say they don’t like something unless they actually try it.
    3. subscribe to the Free-Range Kids RSS, It WILL help maintain your sanity, in our current, insanely overprotective world.

  22. Not only do they bounce, they’re highly portable, too. They like being read to from the start.

    Feel free to ask everyone for advice and to ignore any advice you receive.


  23. Congratulations and to [email protected]Surly Nymph:, baby puke is the new black.

    It goes with everything.

    babies are the best (except when you’re so sleep deprived you can’t figure out how to unplug them (true story)). Every day my life has an awesome state of dissonance, I miss how small they were but am thrilled at how cool they are turning out.

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