Random Asides

I’d Rather Have a Penis

Sometimes I have penis envy. It seems to me that there are many advantages to having one’s genitals hanging outside the body, although I am also aware of the Zipper Risk. I don’t mean I’d rather be a man – I’d much rather be a woman as it happens (does my bias look big in this?) – but I do sometimes wish I had a handy weener. Here’s why:

  1. Pee convenience. Having to sit down to pee is a pain in the…well not a pain (depending what’s left on the seat), but certainly a major hassle. Men can not only poke out their todger without removing any clothing or underwear, but they can pee standing up! I can also pee standing up, but only into a cup and only then after major clothing rearranging, or if wearing jeans, complete removal. With a penis, you can pee anywhere, although obviously you shouldn’t pee anywhere. Women have to endure huge bathroom queues while men just pop in, pop it out, pee and go*. They can even shake it, although we’d prefer them to wipe. Also, with a penis you can aim. A penis is a pee gun. This can only be a good thing.
  2. Crack one off at any time. You know what I’m talking about. And while you may not be particularly inclined to have a sneaky wank leaning against the toilet door at work, the point is that you can. Not so easy for the lady, for most of us some sort of lying down is required.
  3. Showing your competitors what’s what. Nothing says “OH YEAH?!” like a massive packet. Women don’t use clitoris size as a measure of femininity, but it would be fun to strut around knowing you’re cock of the…er…erm. Cough.
  4. Comedy value. Penises are hilarious. You can wave them about, for a start. And they dangle in a jolly way. If I had a penis I’d be delighted all the time just knowing something so comedic is there for the viewing any time I’m bored. It’s like a sausage! With hairy bits! Ha ha!
  5. Better euphemisms. Vagina words are rubbish. Penis words are awesome, from wang to junk to skin flute. I admit that the C word is very useful, but I also enjoy calling my enemies ‘massive tools’, and the vagina doesn’t have half as many funny ones. Gash is quite amusing I suppose, but it’s no dong. It’s definitely no throbbing dong.

I rest my case.

*Quick note, as it’s bound to come up in the comments: the default toilet seat position should be down. Women have to sit for both toilet functions where men only have to sit for one. Therefore the majority use of the seat is in the down position (unless you are a male with a bladder problem).

Further Reading
COUNTERPOINT: I’d Rather Have a Vagina

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  1. Have to admit, I was unaware of the difficult masturbatory logistics. At least women can remain relatively discreet when aroused – a fair trade-off?

    As it’s bound to come up, much like the toilet seat argument (in which I agree with you entirely Teek), I present the inevitable Monty Python reference:

  2. This is a changeable world. Leave the seat as you last used it. It goes up. It goes down. To conserve energy it doesn’t make sense to expend ATP to reset it into some default position. We might need that energy to stop global warming.

    As for penile comedic value, I think the best is the “dancing” scene in Bruno.


  3. 1: All true, peeing is very easy. And fun.

    2: Convenience aside, there is generally less mess involved in female masturbation.

    3: I have to say that I have never “shown my competitors what’s what” nor have I been requested to do so. In fact, to my recollection, that has never happened in my presence.

    4: True. I think the funniest thing I’ve ever seen was in a Korean public bath. A gentlemen was (for some reason known only to him) jumping up and down with his arms at his side. His bits would flap up and down with the jumping. It was very difficult not to laugh. Also hard not to stare.

    5: All true. Even the word penis is funny.

  4. I love my penis. Everywhere I go, he comes with. He’s so easily amused. Once , a girl tickled him so much, he laughed so hard and milk shot right out of his nose. At least it wasn’t Pepsi! Ahhh … good times.

  5. 1. Yes, being able to stand is a definite convenience. But I’m starting to get to an age where I need to be more aware of potential ‘drippage’. Especially when wearing lighter pants.

    2. Are you kidding? at least women aren’t left with nearly the mess afterwords.

    3. Counter that point with the inconvenience of uncontrollable erections at inappropriate times. Like gym class.

    4. Yeah. Hilarious. That’s exactly what most men like to hear.

    5. I’ll keep that one in mind the next time someone calls me a dick.

    Let’s face it; it’s good for exactly two things. The rest of the time, it mostly just gets in the way.

  6. Number 3 isn’t a virtue for everyone. Someone has to slink away in shame, muttering “size doesn’t matter” under their breath.

    On the other hand, Number 1 is even more awesome if you live in a climate where it snows.

  7. Valid point with #5, but the synonyms for breasts are more numerous, and via lexicon brute force, more likely to create humour than penis synonyms.

  8. “…many advantages to having one’s genitals hanging outside the body…”

    Until you get hit in the ‘nads, at which point all the advantages suddenly seem completely worthless.

    Like Zapski, I have *never* compared genital size with any of my same-gender acquaintances.

  9. I think the perfect solution would be a retractable penis. So you could have it hanging outside the body when you want to play with it or need to pee or show someone what’s what (although, like Zapski, I’ve never been a party to this nor seen it occur) and retract it whenever it’s just inconvenient.

  10. @John Ellis:

    I’ve seen the wet jeans at Glastonbury that can attest to those not working! There’s nothing to take the shine off a music festival like the ‘technology’ fail of a She Wee.

  11. Ok, Ok, although not exciting, the peeing convenience is certainly nice for logistical reasons.

    “Showing your competitors what’s what. Nothing says “OH YEAH?!” like a massive packet.”

    Um…I hate to break it to you, but guys don’t actually ever do this. This is entirely a euphimism. Lots of ironic bragging, no actual showing.

    Keep in mind, the “massiveness” of ANYONE’S packet is strongly a function of ambient temperature. In a sauna, a guy is going to be hung with what nature gave him. Normal office air conditioning, not so much. In a pool environment (cold water)–our parts look rather sad, shriveled and mummified.

    The language in George Costanza’s diatribe about “shrinkage” on Seinfeld was exaggurated. The effect was not, I assure you.

  12. Hahaha, great post. Gave me some added appreciation for my equipment.

    As for the toilet seats… They have a cover above the seat for a reason, no? I think the most sensible thing is to just have everyone put everything down when they’re done. The bowl is covered which keeps things from falling in (or pets from consuming the contents) and everyone has to lift something to do their business.

  13. Seat up or down? The truth is the LID should always be set down. It keeps most pets from drinking or drowning (not to mention toddlers) and it establishes equal levels of responsibility for both men and women (both parties have to look before sitting, lift before peeing or pooping, and return the lid to the neutral down position after completion).

  14. @Zapski:
    2: Convenience aside, there is generally less mess involved in female masturbation.

    But not that much less I think (and more mess before orgasm).

  15. Crack one off at any time. You know what I’m talking about.

    For a second there I understood this to mean that you thought men could fart through their penises. Now that would be fun!

    “Load forward torpedo tube. Fire!”

  16. As a man I can appreciate some of your comments, but women have it made over men in the genital area. I can explain this in two words: multiple orgasms.

  17. I like my penis. He’s been a good friend for many years (good times, good times, mmmm). The only down side is the whole *family jewels* baggage. The balls hanging outside the body is yet another piece of evidence against intelligent design. What kind of creator would do such a thing! Although it is always funny when somebody else gets kicked in the nads, it is very painful, too. I knew a guy in college who got hit there with a golf club (by accident, he was not on an episode of Jackass). Couldn’t speak for two hours and walked with a limp for days. Ouch!

    @Mark Hall: Could not agree more!

  18. #4 = totally accurate. Can’t argue with that.

    #3 = from my experience, in the society we’re in, it seems like most guys are insecure about their junk in one way or another, whether it’s 2 or 10 inches. As has been stated, very few of the phallic flaunters will acutally step up to the plate.

    vbalbert pretty well sums up the deciding factor in this debate – all the awesome slang words in the world can’t touch multiple orgasms.

  19. With a title of “I’d rather have a penis”. We currently have 28 posts and not 1 offer of “you can use mine anytime.”
    Skepdudes out there your slipping.

  20. I don’t know — I kinda like being able to feel arroused and nobody knows the difference :-P That’s why I can get away with writing dirty stories at work.

    Although — it is a delicate eco-system. One small thing can screw everything up for weeks.

  21. I believe the phrase is “crank one out”, not “crack one out”, which, as davew has indicated, is usually for a different function (which men and women can do!).

  22. I’m sure any ladies that come over to my house (shotgun shack) would be pleased with how I keep the toilet. The seat and lid always stay down.

    Mostly because the bathroom in my house is designed with a perfect geometry so that anything you drop in it will end up in the toilet.

  23. @thad: I think both phrases are in use. I actually checked ‘crack one out’ with a few male friends before posting just to make sure. Maybe a British thing?

  24. @davew: Women can fart out of their vaginas, sort of. Well, if you push the air in, it’s gotta come out again. Like the first spoonful of trifle.

  25. Tracy says:

    I’d much rather be a woman as it happens – but I do sometimes wish I had a handy weener.

    You know, there is an entire genre of Hentai based on this sentiment.

  26. In Re: #2… I knew a girl who could “crack one off” without touching herself at all. It was a leg position/mental stance thing, as far as I know.

    On a bus. In a parking lot. At a coffee shop. Anywhere she could sit down and be relatively undistracted for 3 or 4 minutes. Guys can’t do that, and if we did, it would be very obvious, embarrassing, and uncomfortably sticky.

    I once had a strange girl get off by riding my shoulders at a U2 concert. Twice. Guys can’t get away with this, no matter how hot they might be.

    Guys can crack ONE off. One. These things are muzzleloaders. Women are packing semi-automatics.

    To change metaphors, let’s talk about the magnitude of the cracking. If these were explosives, I could probably claim to have experienced something like dynamite. Nice if you need to get through some bedrock for a railway tunnel or something. Boom, and it’s over. I’ve seen women go through what looked like a full nuclear exchange with attendant asteroid impacts.

    Vaginae have magic powers.

  27. @Peregrine: 2. Are you kidding? at least women aren’t left with nearly the mess afterwords.

    Some women ejaculate, which can be way more messy than male ejaculate. I knew a woman who did it every time she had an orgasm, and it was extremely messy.

  28. Apparently I’m the only guy to have lived in a place where guys did compare. And while I didn’t always win I did often enough to make me the cocky jerk I am today.

    @Garrison22: How about a god that also invented teabagging?

    @Peregrine: I know, when did I start peeing in Morse code?

    @Tracy King: I had a girlfriend that did that when she was ‘ready’

  29. Being from Australia we might say that you are ‘taking the piss’out of us with your post,I enjoyed it and havent got any more to add.

  30. As I mentioned on twitter, if you have a penis, you’re also born with a certain other orifice. This means you can naturally fuck AND be fucked. Hell you could fuck WHILE BEING fucked. So not fair. *pouts*

  31. Hi there!

    As to the “lid always being down” thing … I’ve been trained by my wifey to always put the lid in the down position.

    But I don’t get it either. Some comedian said that men always check the toilet lid before they pee. Women apparently prefer to take a blind flying butt leap toward the toilet.

    And I don’t get the concept of being able to “crack one off” any time, anywhere. All women need to do is insert a discreet finger when no one is looking. They even sell insertable vibrators that you can operate remotely. Men actually have to wrap a whole fist around the shaft. How do you do THAT discretely? [boggles]

  32. @Draconius:

    Pleasing a woman is actually less easy than digging out a large booger… also, much like a nose, our itches down there are not always (actually, almost never) solved by rubbing the inside.

  33. @Draconius: Uh, I don’t see how cramming an entire hand down your pants and around a corner is less discrete than a guy whacking off.

    And to be the third Skepchick who says this… yeeah, not so much on the “just insert a finger” idea.

  34. This reminds me of the story of the young girl who was shamed and reduced to tears by her male friend of similar age because he had what boys have and she didn’t. Running to her mother in tears, she soon found an answer to his taunts.

    She came back all cheerful, proclaiming that what she had was better, her mother had told her so, that with what she had, she could get as many of what the boys had as she wanted.

  35. Hi there!

    @Tracy @Elyse @Amanda:

    Okay, that makes sense, But I always thought that having multiple fingers down there was specifically a guy’s issue. Since we are embarrassingly inept at pleasing a woman, we need to perform complicated digital gymnastics to get a woman to that elusive point of ecstasy. I figured women could just keep hitting that magical love button right there on top with the appropriate rhythm and pressure until the flood gates opened.

    It doesn’t work that way? I can understand how guys can’t get there, but women can’t even get there themselves? Not even two women working in tandem? In cooperation? Their bodies glistening breathlessly in the pale white moonligh– Okay, gotta stop now …. [blush]

  36. I’ll trade you. I’m not so fond of having the penis.

    1. I sit down to pee anyway, excepting public toilets which I try to avoid. Pee is disgusting, and a “pee gun” doesn’t sound all that great to me. If I had a super soaker loaded with pee, I would throw it away.

    2. While we may be able to get away with a bathroom stall, there are toys for women which can be worn discreetly under clothing. Obviously, I have no first hand experience with them, but I’ve heard good things.

    3. I know I’m not the typical human male, but I don’t think whipping out one’s member to show the guys what’s what is commonplace… or accepted… anywhere. And no one wants to be that guy who’s always talking about his giant package… not even that guy.

    4. I completely agree, but I prefer my anatomy to be non-comical. To each their own.

    5. See 4

    6. Reaching orgasm quickly is a bad thing. We can only do so once.

    7. Public arousal is far more embarrassing.

    8. Skinny jeans are far less comfortable.

  37. @Draconius:


    Stop sticking your fingers in the hole. You’re wasting your damn time.

    And female pleasure is not elusive… or even difficult. Takes as much effort as getting a guy off. Really.

  38. Re: Toilet Seats
    My ex-husband, upon being criticized for leaving the seat up, once pointed out that putting the seat up in the first place is a courtesy.
    He was right.

  39. @Glow-Orb:

    Wow… he leaves the seat up, you fall in, you get mad, then he points out that you could have been sitting on a piss soaked seat that he wouldn’t be able to figure out how to wipe clean, and your response is that he’s not only right but being a gentleman?

    They need to get this gay marriage shit passed! I want you to be MY wife!

  40. @Amanda:
    Uh, I don’t see how cramming an entire hand down your pants and around a corner is less discrete than a guy whacking off.

    Mostly, I think it’s because it involves less conspicuous movement.
    And I doubt the necessity of going under the clothes …

  41. @exarch:

    And I doubt the necessity of going under the clothes …


    This thread has convinced me never to leave my husband unless it’s for another Skepchick.

    Also, we need more women producing and directing porn.

    It’s probably MORE difficult for a woman to get off with her pants on than a man. Have you never seen a vulva? There’s layers of skin flaps everywhere! They don’t part like the Red Sea… or Pink Sea if you will… magically just because you want to rub one out at a party. Seriously. It doesn’t happen like that.

    Also, finger in the hole = useless… unless it’s a hole in the back, in which case 1. ask and 2. still probably not going to get the whole job done.

    And regarding said finger, using one finger, especially a girl-sized one is even more useless than using a large man-sized one. While technically size doesn’t matter, that’s only in regard to penises and things of general penis size.

    Haven’t you guys ever wondered why we don’t get all hot and flustered in the tampon aisle? It’s not because our switches turn to “off” when we start bleeding (opposite, in fact, for many of us). It’s because sticking something finger sized into our girlholes does not equal orgasm!

  42. @Elyse: Have you never seen a vulva?


    C’mon Elyse. That’s a red herring. You know that there is a lot of variation in the relevant factors there.

    On top of that, not a single guy on this board has suggested that single digit vaginal penetration was a reasonable means to achieve orgasm. Total straw man.

  43. @Elyse: And regarding said finger, using one finger, especially a girl-sized one is even more useless than using a large man-sized one. While technically size doesn’t matter, that’s only in regard to penises and things of general penis size.

    I accept this as your likes and dislikes, but I don’t think you can speak for all women. I’ve known one that liked to be stroked with a single finger along the anterior wall of the vagina. Actually I thought this was rather common, but maybe not. It was not enough to cause an orgasm on its own, but combined with other things was the difference between a ho-hum orgasm and “I really hope the neighbors are out tonight”.

    I agree with sex during a period. Every woman I have known says her drive goes to zero. Right before, however, can be very wild.

  44. @davew:

    Very few women can have an orgasm by means of penetration. Really. It feels good, but little chance of orgasm… and even if they can, it’s generally not the most effective way.

    I don’t claim to speak for all women, but I do claim that the idea that a vagina is just like an inside out penis is a disservice to all women. And given the number of women who have never had an orgasm because of this idea is absolutely astounding… and it’s sad.

    Essentially it’s the equivalent of women all telling each other, and telling the men in their lives, that all you have to do to please a man is stroke the inside of his thigh… and if he doesn’t get off it’s because men are just complicated.

  45. @Elyse: I don’t claim to speak for all women, but I do claim that the idea that a vagina is just like an inside out penis is a disservice to all women. And given the number of women who have never had an orgasm because of this idea is absolutely astounding… and it’s sad.

    I agree. It sure would be nice if there was a class on human sexuality beyond STDs and how not to get pregnant. What I know I learned in Anatomy and Physiology (which was not long on the “how to”), Dan Savage, and girlfriends. Of the three the first two were the most informative. Trying to get women to discuss likes and dislikes, in my experience, is very difficult.

    My understanding is the nerve endings that wind up in the penis of men are spread across a longer distance in women and can be stimulated from the outside and the inside. I think that’s so cool, but I’m still happy with my boy parts.

  46. @davew:

    The problem is that most women are not given much more information than men on this. And we’re discouraged from experimenting and masturbating. Totally pulling this information from a place in my brain marked “someone told you this was true in a magazine or something”, most women never have an orgasm (I want to say it’s 20-40% have one in their lifetime), and of those who do, almost all of them figure out how to do it on their own.

    When women are shamed into not touching themselves, guess what happens! Total fucking ignorance. For men, you can be encouraged not to touch, but really, it’s sticking out and telling you what to do… and you can’t hide that it’s sticking out so you kind of have to do something. The shame and the reward are wrapped up in one (masturbation = bad, arousal = bad, masturbating = hiding arousal = bad but good)

    As for the penis nerves, they do spread across the entire vulva. In some women they go inside as well… in most women they do not. But the majority are clustered up in the clit.

    And here’s a little pro tip! If you’re having trouble finding it, it’s the thing that’s like a mini boner up near 12:00 (assuming your face is doing the exploring, if your face is not down there 1. why the hell not and 2. think of the anus as 6:00)… if you can’t find that, go somewhere else (not the vagina) and come back in a minute or two… it gets hard just like yours does!

  47. Elyse, while I don’t claim the widest experience, I’m gonna have to argue with your “finger in the hole = useless”. It may not get the job done on it’s own, but carefully directed and applied, especially in conjunction with things being done elsewhere, has been met with solid approval in my experience.

  48. I once had a guy insist to me that most women can have orgasms from penetration alone. We had had sex, and later he asked me why I, you know, used my hands to help move things along. “I’ve never had any woman do that before, most women can come just from penetration, I know this is true!” I was like, “Oh, honey, this is not true. More than likely you didn’t notice, or they didn’t actually get off.” And then he tried to argue with me! Thankfully his penis was huge.

  49. @marilove: Correction, some women CAN come from penetration alone, but it’s pretty rare, and he was a bit of a slut (nothing wrong with that!), so I think he either just didn’t notice, or he was dang good at oral sex. Which he was. And had a huge penis. So you know. He can be forgiven. :P

  50. @James Fox:

    Around 20% of women can have one during intercourse.

    I also wonder how many women THINK they’ve had an orgasm but actually have not. To a guy that may seem ridiculous, but it’s not unheard of. Unlike for a guy, a woman knows she’s had one based on feeling alone… I was told that it feels really good, then feels really really good, then feels amazing… then it drops off. Yeah, that’s how an orgasm feels, kind of, but that’s a vague enough description to describe how things feel during the entire sex-process.

  51. @Elyse: I see that throwing around irrelevant logical fallacies is your thing.


    And yours is jumping to conclusions, Miss Snarky. Look, it’s just a fact that nobody made the statement that you accused everyone of making. I’m willing to bet that I’ve seen, felt, smelled, and tasted more women than you have.

  52. @Skept-artist: You may as well just stop arguing because everyone else seems to know your body better than you do.


    I think it’s really a question of sample size. Most guys with more sensitivity than a rock have experimented with a number of different women to figure out what they like and want. Some women don’t like oral sex and some can’t get off any other way. Some love anal stimulation and some don’t. Some (etc. etc. etc. etc.) The blanket statement that the skepdude universe is incompetent based on our lack of knowledge of Elyse’s particular body is just selection bias. :) (Got in another one. It’s like magic, only different.)

  53. @marilove: Why do men feel the need to constantly correct women on what they like?


    No one correcting anyone about what THEY personally, like. We’re just saying that what YOU like may not apply to all women, based on extensive and careful (but poorly documented) field research.

  54. @sethmanapio: You know, I have to say that I think you’re really off the mark here. Usually it takes me a minute, a minute and a half to jerk off to your comments, but I’ve been going at it for a good five minutes here to no avail.

  55. @sethmanapio:

    I’m willing to bet that I’ve seen, felt, smelled, and tasted more women than you have.

    I’m willing to bet you have not.

    But regardless, unless your numbers are in the thousands, and you took accurate unbiased data measuring the pleasure of all of those women and it completely contradicts what I’m saying here, it’s time for you to clean up your mess and call it a night. I think your eyesight is going. And at the risk of getting your keyboard all sticky, I’ll point out that your anecdotes, even if you’ve slept with every woman who has borne her breasts on the internet, do not trump the facts of female anatomy.

    And this whole conversation started because of the statement that all women have to do is “insert a … finger”. I think it’s incredibly important that no one thinks that’s actually what you need to do. Because you know, a pretty significant number of men actually think that’s what you do.

  56. @Elyse: I’m willing to bet you have not.


    Fair enough. I’ll take your word for it.

    You’ll forgive my assuming you didn’t have extensive experience with other women, though, because it seems to me that you’re really going only on your own experience here. Women do vary in what they like, how they like, and where they like it. And frankly, the biological and psychological sciences are on my side here, not yours. Some women can’t stand direct clitoral stimulation, others require it. There are a lot of ways to get off, not just one magic method, and there are no facts of female anatomy contradicted by that statement.

    Oh, and the finger being mentioned (as was clarified later) was to be placed upon the clitoris, not inserted vaginally.

    I don’t get it, Elyse. It’s freaking obvious that you unfairly maligned the skepdudes and our willingness to do decent, patient research in this area. Why keep acting like I’m in the wrong here?

  57. @sethmanapio:

    I think you’re looking for an argument where there isn’t one. I’ve never maligned the skepdudes… I made a point clear… that sticking a finger in a vagina is not going to work.

    Are there women out there who it might work on? Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never met one… but then there’s guys who get off by getting kicked in the nads. I’d still say that until a guy tells you otherwise, it’s bad practice.

    And, like marilove mentioned, just because a woman reports to you, her lover, that she is thrilled with whatever you’re doing, it doesn’t make it so.

    Why is every thread a fight to the bitter end with you? You’re arguing with me over how to please a fucking woman, telling me I’m wrong, that I don’t know anything about vaingas, that having one somehow disqualifies me from speaking about them because I’m either only speaking about what I like or speaking from the limited experiences I’ve had while insisting that your extensive experience makes you a goddamn expert. Yes, we’re all different, but following a few guidelines, cutting through bullshit about what is and is not happening inside a woman’s underpants and asking your partner what she wants can go a long way. But yeah… I’m wrong, you’re right. Do whatever you want with your finger, I don’t care… just don’t do it inside my vagina.

    Now, I’m off to have a good fuck and a merry Christmas. Hope you do, too.

  58. @Elyse: I’ve never maligned the skepdudes…


    Yeah, ya did.

    “This thread has convinced me never to leave my husband unless it’s for another Skepchick.”

    When actually, I think that 100% of skepdudes would agree with you here:

    “Yes, we’re all different, but following a few guidelines, cutting through bullshit about what is and is not happening inside a woman’s underpants and asking your partner what she wants can go a long way.”

    That’s certainly all I’m saying.

  59. @Elyse: Why is every thread a fight to the bitter end with you?


    Because if I don’t think I’m right about something, I don’t comment at all. And unless someone presents me with information or interpretations that are different than what I already know, I remain convinced that I’m right. And because you kept insulting me, so I kept arguing back.

    I mean, seriously… if you accuse me of being ignorant of the facts of female anatomy, this isn’t supposed to engage my pride? You’ve been snarky and dismissive. Even in this last comment, you’re implying that because I haven’t followed your sage advice, I’ve actually been failing to please my sexual partners (although, actually, for the last twelve years I’ve been in committed relationships so my sampling in the area has decreased markedly.)

    But somehow, when you keep telling me that I’m wrong, ignorant, and hapless, this isn’t a fight to the bitter end, but if I defend my position, it is? How the fuck does that work?

    And when is this fucking experimental run going to terminate so I can get back to work?

  60. @sethmanapio: Since you seem to think you, a man, can correct a woman about what women like and what works for women because you’ve had some sex with women, what about me?

    I’ve had sex with women! AND I have a vagina! Is my knowledge of actually having a vagina AND having had sex with women enough information to go on, oh great man who has had sex with women? Do I qualify now as a vagina expert? Since clearly having a vagina isn’t enough for you? Clearly a man who doesn’t have a vagina but has gotten laid a few times is the expert, and not the women with vaginas! Oh, I guess I just didn’t realize that! Apparently men know ALL! Apparently we women have no idea how our own bodies work. We should always refer to a straight man who occasionally gets laid to make sure we know what we’re talking about!


    PS: Women can fake it if they don’t want to hurt your feelings or aren’t very versed in talking comfortably about their bodies and what they want sexually. But hey, what do I know? I only have a vagina! You have a penis, clearly you know ALL about vaginas!

  61. @sethmanapio: Oh and PS, correcting women on their bodies is fucking condesending as hell, not to mention sexist. Stop it. I think we’re sick and fucking tired of men telling us what we little women should like or do like. It’s getting tiring. If you think sticking one finger into a vagina is going to get your woman off, fine, though I feel kind of sorry for her. But don’t sit here and start fighting with WOMEN about VAGINAS.

    Remember: This is Skepchick not Skepdick.

    It gets really annoying when the men try to silence the women here and try to get all ~authoritive~ on us. It happens all the fucking time. You are one of the biggest offenders. It’s getting tiring.

    Do you REALLY not see how wrong it is to correct women on vaginas when you don’t even *have* one?



    No one said it did, just so you know. I think that really, before you go off the handle, you should try to determine what it is that other people are actually saying.

    The facts are pretty clear on this and the research on sexuality backs me up. Different women like different things. How in the name of all that’s reasonable is that a controversial statement?

    Because that’s all I’ve said.

    I mean, seriously… it’s out of line for me to say that different women respond differently to different stimuli and are differently sensitive in different areas, but it’s totally in line for you to ignore my actual comments and throw an all caps hissy fit over things that no one actually said?

    What kind of bullshit is that? Where do these rules get written?

    And no, I don’t see how it is wrong to correct women on vaginas, if said women are making assumptions about what all women want based on what they, personally want. Some women don’t like oral sex. Some women don’t like anything but. Some women love to be on top. Some women don’t. So if a woman starts saying that all women like oral sex, or all women like to be on top, I’m calling bullshit on that.

    Your response seems to be that my partners have been lying to me. Well, as long as we’re accusing each other of being hapless, maybe yours were lying to you! Maybe, every woman you’ve ever slept with was faking it with you because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings or make you feel like you didn’t understand their needs, because clearly you take pride in being an expert.

    Impossible, you say? I guess, then, that the lesbians who have told me that they do, in fact, occasionally fake it in bed were lying to me because for strange and mysterious reasons, they wanted to protect my ego.

    Look, I doubt we actually disagree on the main point, which is that women vary. So rather than yelling at me over something I didn’t say, why don’t you try to find something I DID say that you disagree with, maybe we can have a constructive conversation about that.

    Because your all caps tirade may be an attempt to shut me up, but I don’t respond well to violence.

  63. @sethmanapio: You are not a woman. You do not have a vagina. Stop trying to pretend you know more about vaginas than those of us who actually have one.

    And stop silencing the women here, especially when we’re talking about VAGINAS. You are seriously the worst offender and it’s getting old. This is skepCHICK, remember?

  64. @sethmanapio: And stop silencing the women here, especially when we’re talking about VAGINAS.


    Marilove, have you noticed something? The only person here telling anyone to shut up is you. You are trying to silence me, not the other way around. By your own standards, you yourself are the worst offender.

    I haven’t tried to silence anyone. I’ve offered a point of view, backed by science. That point of view is that different women like different things because women aren’t uniform. It’s a point of view that you actually agree with (as evidenced by your comments on the “G-Spot” post.)

    In that post you state that you aren’t clear about the anatomy of the vagina, or about the structure of the interior portion of the clitoris. Thus, you are aware that you may know less about vaginas than some men do. Given that, I’m at a loss to explain your insistence in this thread that I must know less than you do about the vagina because I do not have one.

    I’ve also noticed that you at no point reference anything specific I say about the vagina or sexuality in general that you disagree with. It’s getting old, sure… but what is getting old? My non-existent attempts to get you to stop writing responses? My comments that you agree with?

    And yes, this is skepCHICK. So what? I’m not petitioning to be a member of the site’s writing faculty, I’m commenting on a post. There’s no rule, written or unwritten, that says that I can’t or shouldn’t comment because I’m not a chick. Such an idea is wholly inconsistent with the spirit and the common practice of the site itself. To say that my comments are worth less here because I have a penis strikes me as bizarre.

    But what strikes me as most interesting is your continued accusation that I am “silencing” you because I disagree with you. What do you mean by that? In what way do you correlate disagreement with “silencing”, and why does your own continued demand that I shut the fuck up not count as silencing?

  65. @Andrew Nixon: Andrew, if I may give some advice, when you give advice to a stranger, it is helpful to add some context or perspective to the advice. Otherwise, the person getting the advice has no means of evaluating the quality of the advice.

    For example, if you said “Give it a rest, I know Marilove personally and she says that if you make one more comment on this post she’s going to hunt you down and fuck you up the ass with a chainsaw, and I believe her”, that would be helpful advice.

    I wouldn’t believe you, of course, but at least you’d be making an effort.

  66. @sethmanapio:

    Some context?

    OK – here’s why I think you should give it a rest:

    You stubbornly refuse to accept that you might actually not be right on this. You’ve behaved in a rather aggressive manner, you’re taking a jokey post far more seriously than it was intended that you take it (to be fair, you’re not the only one) and you’re so keen to get the last word that you come back to a comment thread more than a week after everybody else stopped giving a shit.

    You are, of course, completely free to ignore this advice.

  67. @Andrew Nixon: Let’s take this one by one.

    1. I absolutely accept that I may not be right about this. The moment that someone presents me with a shred of evidence that all women have uniform sexual needs and desires, I will back down.
    2. I may be aggressive in your opinion, but I doubt you can find an example of me actually BEING aggressive in this thread.
    3. Everyone except you, apparently.

    So, based on your reasons, I’ll thank you for the advice, but it’s pretty clear to me that you don’t understand what I’ve been saying, what else has been said, and don’t have much of a grip on the general tenor of the thread or even my own statements or even who cares about what. Thanks anyway.

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