Sometimes I have penis envy. It seems to me that there are many advantages to having one’s genitals hanging outside the body, although I am also aware of the Zipper Risk. I don’t mean I’d rather be a man – I’d much rather be a woman as it happens (does my bias look big in this?) – but I do sometimes wish I had a handy weener. Here’s why:
- Pee convenience. Having to sit down to pee is a pain in the…well not a pain (depending what’s left on the seat), but certainly a major hassle. Men can not only poke out their todger without removing any clothing or underwear, but they can pee standing up! I can also pee standing up, but only into a cup and only then after major clothing rearranging, or if wearing jeans, complete removal. With a penis, you can pee anywhere, although obviously you shouldn’t pee anywhere. Women have to endure huge bathroom queues while men just pop in, pop it out, pee and go*. They can even shake it, although we’d prefer them to wipe.Â Also, with a penis you can aim. A penis is a pee gun. This can only be a good thing.
- Crack one off at any time. You know what I’m talking about. And while you may not be particularly inclined to have a sneaky wank leaning against the toilet door at work, the point is that you can. Not so easy for the lady, for most of us some sort of lying down is required.
- Showing your competitors what’s what. Nothing says “OH YEAH?!” like a massive packet. Women don’t use clitoris size as a measure of femininity, but it would be fun to strut around knowing you’re cock of the…er…erm. Cough.
- Comedy value. Penises are hilarious. You can wave them about, for a start. And they dangle in a jolly way. If I had a penis I’d be delighted all the time just knowing something so comedic is there for the viewing any time I’m bored. It’s like a sausage! With hairy bits! Ha ha!
- Better euphemisms. Vagina words are rubbish. Penis words are awesome, from wang to junk to skin flute. I admit that the C word is very useful, but I also enjoy calling my enemies ‘massive tools’, and the vagina doesn’t have half as many funny ones. Gash is quite amusing I suppose, but it’s no dong. It’s definitely no throbbing dong.
I rest my case.
*Quick note, as it’s bound to come up in the comments: the default toilet seat position should be down. Women have to sit for both toilet functions where men only have to sit for one. Therefore the majority use of the seat is in the down position (unless you are a male with a bladder problem).
COUNTERPOINT: I’d Rather Have a Vagina