Oprah Quits!… sorta

Me: What’s new in Chicago? I’ll just check in on my good friend OPRAH IS GOING OFF THE AIR!

Me: What the WHAT?! No, for serious, she’s quitting.

Me: Please… please tell me and my vajayjay and my cancer curing herbal moisturizing cream that this is not a joke. Elyse, it’s our top fucking story. You don’t announce Oprah leaving television… especially in Chicago… without a professional (and maybe even very personal literal) death wish.

Me: I’m sorry… I was screaming outside like a crazy person and hugging people walking by with their dogs. I might have to register with the state every time I move now but… Oprah’s quitting? Yes. She’s quitting.

Me: Leaving TV? FOREVER? Probably not, but she’s ending her show.

Me: [running back outside and hugging more dogs] OPRAH’S GOING OFF THE AIR FOREVER AND NEVER RETURNING TO TV EVER!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! said so! CHICAGO TRIBUNE! Elyse, we didn’t say that. We never said that.

Me: THEY SAID IT! THEY SAAAAAAAAAIIIIIID IT! Our legal department will be contacting you.

Rebecca: Elyse, quit acting like a crazy asshole and blog this… without getting us sued by the Trib.

So… Yeah… Oprah has announced that tomorrow she will announce that 2010-2011 will be the very last ever season of The Oprah Winfrey Show!

I probably shouldn’t get so excited just yet. While the good news is that she will be stepping down from her Day Time Talk Throne, and will be giving up her daily one-hour network television woo-cast, the bad news is that she still owns two cable stations. And speculation is that she’s leaving the show to focus on these.

This could very well mean that the Jenny McCarthy show will be getting lots of Oprah hands-on TLC… but not in a dirty way… because Jenny is covered in weird kid diseases that most people vaccinate against.

No matter what happens, this is obviously not the end of Oprah… it is only the end of Oprah as we know her. She will be around. She will be the most powerful person in the world. She will be terrorizing the planet with dangerous claims and continuing to teach women that “vulva” and “vagina” are dirty girl parts that should only be discussed euphemistically with a goofy comic face to further imply that “ooh I’m talking about something totally weird!”

She’ll still be helping celebrities promote their medical claims. And pimping books about the power of your spirit and your mind and wanting things and how to make them happpen using your psychic powers… because not only does Oprah know how to make things happen for Oprah, she also apparently is in tune with the way you and me make things happen for ourselves. She’s very much like us… like the last time I quit my job, it made the front page of the Chicago Tribune. Seriously… it’s right here:

2 weeks

See? She’s just like us.

But anyway… while the end of the fucking Oprah Show is joyous indeed. (And you should celebrate it by coming out for drinks with George Hrab and me tomorrow night if you’re in Chicago), I have a feeling this move is Oprah positioning herself to become more powerful. I hope I’m wrong… or I hope that she becomes more powerful and uses that power to teach women to think critically and not take everything they hear on Oprah as gospel.

My woman’s intuition tells me to doubt that.



Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. “No matter what happens, this is obviously not the end of Oprah… it is only the end of Oprah as we know her.”

    I’m terrified at the prospect of a newer, more powerful form of Oprah emerging. It’s like in the second Ninja Turtles movie when the Shredder gets oozed. Then again, I’m pretty sure he killed himself almost immediately with his new found strength, so there’s something to hope for.

  2. Yay for the end of the woo-fest, but this is Oprah we’re talking about.

    This reminds me of that Onion article about Starbucks shutting down their stores to start their sinister “Phase II”.

    I hope this will reduce her influence, but I’m more worried that she’s going to become the mountain of cash behind a multi-tentacled media machine OF DOOM.

    (lightening flashes at this point)

  3. This would be good news if it didn’t mean at least a week of endless Oprah coverage, if not continually for the next year. And then more after the show actually ends. And then…

    No, we will never be shut of her.

  4. I’m reminded of Obi-Wan Kenobi: “If you strike me down, I will become more possible than you can ever imagine.”

    And hasn’t she pulled this stunt before? I seem to remember at least two previous announcements that her show was ending and neither panned out.

  5. @qyiet:
    Funnily enough my immediate reaction to reading this story at work was “I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to sing “ding dong, the witch is dead”. This line ended up on the ‘quote of the day’ board in my office.

  6. This reminds me of when Leno “quit late night”, I do hate the idea of a several year notice of quiting, and second, just because some people are leaving the spotlight, they tend to come running back very quickly

  7. In a conference room high above the Chicago din The Oprah has gathered all of her most cherished repeat guests. The topic of discussion is what they are going to do now that she is leaving. All at once the mighty doors at the far end of the room swing open bringing a great light into the room as The Oprah enters.
    “I know you are all scared for your futures, but I have not forgotten you. That is why you are hear. Now, look under your seats!”
    “You get your own show! And you get your own show! and you and you and you . . . You All Get Your Own Shows!”
    Outside of the room a world of reason shudders.

  8. Johnny Carson left TV, actually stayed out of the spotlight, then died. Why can’t Oprah do the same?

    Actually it’s an insult to compare the two – an insult to Carson.

  9. @ZenMonkey: Perhaps it’s time to invest on cryogenic hibernation. In a hundred years time you could wake up to an Earth where Oprah is unknown. Well, either that or you could wake up in Oprahworld. It’s a long shot really.

    Oh, and Elyse, have I ever told you that I love you? In a totally platonic, non-sexual way. Well, almost.

  10. @OnlyCheryl: There is NO comparison – Johnny Carson was an American treasure. Oprah is…Well, I can’t blog that.

    @MintClassic: COTW. And that’s exactly what I fear…Perhaps what exarch said. That would be a sign of the approaching Apocalypse.

    @Hartor: An Oprah health channel…from someone whose weight changes faster than the stock market? That’s an extinction-level event!

  11. More on rumor: Oprah is being put on ticket to get voters who might be tempted to vote for Palin. Oprah trumps Palin.
    Not making this up, just relaying what I hear.

  12. 25 Years of Oprah. Can you imagine how many channels will be able to simultaneously syndicate her show. Sure it’s not normally done like that but hey, they’ll make an exception for Oprah. Now we could see Oprah on 3 or 4 channels at once. Plus her new cable network. What I’m saying is that Oprah is a media hydra that just publicly announced the lopping off of it’s own head. It’s probably not going to end up as good as it first sounds.

  13. This seems like a publicity stunt. She’ll stop doing this particular show, but she’ll still be around to spread the woo, and she’ll have even more viewers after this hype.

  14. And I’d like to thank everyone who has set me straight that Oprah is not leaving TV altogether, but just ending her show to focus on bigger projects to reach an even greater audience… I must have forgotten to say that in the title and content of this post.

  15. @Akusai: Okay, I’m going to be the Star Wars dork here and say, isn’t it: “If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.”

    Then again, I kinda like, “more possible than you could ever imagine.”

    @Elyse: Yes, I set my favorites to NOT include those two channels. I wish there was a way I could call my cable provider and ask for those channels to be forcibley removed, but hey, you gotta pick your battles.

    Oh, and I love your cut-and-paste job. You are so gonna get sued.

  16. @Elyse:

    Wow, I had no idea that she owns Discovery Health. I’ve never wanted to watch Oxygen, but I used to really like Discovery Health. Although now half of it is just re-runs of TLC shows, and about a quarter is just stuff about babies being born, so I was losing interest in it before I knew Oprah was involved.

  17. @Vengeful Harridan (Elexina): These days, most channels just come in the “family” package (including multiple versions of MTV, which now totally blows anyway), which is what I have. Some channels can be blocked for parental control, but I don’t have any kids around (that I know of), so what’s the point? So I just delete the crap from favorites and it all works out just fine.

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