Me: What’s new in Chicago? I’ll just check in on my good friend ChicagoTribune.com.
ChicagoTribune.com: OPRAH IS GOING OFF THE AIR!
Me: What the WHAT?!
ChicagoTribune.com: No, for serious, she’s quitting.
Me: Please… please tell me and my vajayjay and my cancer curing herbal moisturizing cream that this is not a joke.
ChicagoTribune.com: Elyse, it’s our top fucking story. You don’t announce Oprah leaving television… especially in Chicago… without a professional (and maybe even very personal literal) death wish.
Me: I’m sorry… I was screaming outside like a crazy person and hugging people walking by with their dogs. I might have to register with the state every time I move now but… Oprah’s quitting?
ChicagoTribune.com: Yes. She’s quitting.
Me: Leaving TV? FOREVER?
ChicagoTribune.com: Probably not, but she’s ending her show.
Me: [running back outside and hugging more dogs] OPRAH’S GOING OFF THE AIR FOREVER AND NEVER RETURNING TO TV EVER!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! ChicagoTribune.com said so! CHICAGO TRIBUNE!
ChicagoTribune.com: Elyse, we didn’t say that. We never said that.
Me: THEY SAID IT! THEY SAAAAAAAAAIIIIIID IT!
ChicagoTribune.com: Our legal department will be contacting you.
Rebecca: Elyse, quit acting like a crazy asshole and blog this… without getting us sued by the Trib.
So… Yeah… Oprah has announced that tomorrow she will announce that 2010-2011 will be the very last ever season of The Oprah Winfrey Show!
I probably shouldn’t get so excited just yet. While the good news is that she will be stepping down from her Day Time Talk Throne, and will be giving up her daily one-hour network television woo-cast, the bad news is that she still owns two cable stations. And speculation is that she’s leaving the show to focus on these.
This could very well mean that the Jenny McCarthy show will be getting lots of Oprah hands-on TLC… but not in a dirty way… because Jenny is covered in weird kid diseases that most people vaccinate against.
No matter what happens, this is obviously not the end of Oprah… it is only the end of Oprah as we know her. She will be around. She will be the most powerful person in the world. She will be terrorizing the planet with dangerous claims and continuing to teach women that “vulva” and “vagina” are dirty girl parts that should only be discussed euphemistically with a goofy comic face to further imply that “ooh I’m talking about something totally weird!”
She’ll still be helping celebrities promote their medical claims. And pimping books about the power of your spirit and your mind and wanting things and how to make them happpen using your psychic powers… because not only does Oprah know how to make things happen for Oprah, she also apparently is in tune with the way you and me make things happen for ourselves. She’s very much like us… like the last time I quit my job, it made the front page of the Chicago Tribune. Seriously… it’s right here:
See? She’s just like us.
But anyway… while the end of the fucking Oprah Show is joyous indeed. (And you should celebrate it by coming out for drinks with George Hrab and me tomorrow night if you’re in Chicago), I have a feeling this move is Oprah positioning herself to become more powerful. I hope I’m wrong… or I hope that she becomes more powerful and uses that power to teach women to think critically and not take everything they hear on Oprah as gospel.
My woman’s intuition tells me to doubt that.
But still… OPRAH’S GOING OFF THE AIR! WOOT!