Afternoon Inquisition

AI: Strange Conversations

I frequently have very, very strange conversations on my cell phone. Well, they are normal for me, but not so much for other people.  Here’s a recent example:

Intern: “I can’t find the penis.”
Me: “You have to press the abdomen a little. That will make it pop out.  Works best for me if I kneel over them and hold them between my legs. Is it lying on its back?”
Intern: “Yeah–AJ is helping me hold him down.”
Me: “well, if you give a little push..”
Intern: “Hmmm… I’m not seeing OH!! I FOUND IT! I FOUND THE PENIS!”
Me: “Congrats!  Make sure you put a band on that one so we know it’s male. Give me a call again if you run into trouble.”

In case you were wondering, I was coaching an intern via cell phone on sexing swans. Swans have internal genitalia, and it’s harder than you think to tell boys from girls.

What’s the strangest conversation you’ve had on your cell phone?


Bug_girl has a PhD in Entomology, and is a pointy-headed former academic living in Ohio. She is obsessed with insects, but otherwise perfectly normal. Really! If you want a daily stream of cool info about bugs, follow her Facebook page or find her on Twitter.

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  1. Before someone asks–most birds (>90%) are dickless. I think you can see that having an external appendage would be counterproductive to streamlining for flight, as well as adding weight, and potentially hanging up on trees.

    There is a FASCINATING discussion of dinosaurs (close relatives of birds) and if they had penis-less sex here:

    and a scholarly article discussing why all those bird peni were lost in the first place here:

  2. “Do you want the ones with the chicken or the broccoli?” Of course, I was standing in front of the perogies in the freezer case at the grocery store at the time. That’s really all I use my cell phone for: grocery requests and ETsA.

    But I love overhearing half-conversations at work -usually I’m really hoping that they’re talking about their cats…

  3. 10 years ago, just 2 months after I moved away to go to college:

    Me: Hello?
    Call: Hi, is this Steve?
    Me: Yes…
    Call: Steve (my last name)?
    Me: Ummm…yes….
    Call: Steve (my last name) from Midland?
    Call: Um…kay….ummm…Can I come sleep on your floor?
    Call: ….
    Me: Is this Matt?
    Call: ummm…yeah…
    Me: *sigh* come on over.

  4. @Vengeful Harridan (Elexina): Have the same conversation way too often with the Mid-Wife while shopping by myself. Cell phones are a blessing for easily confused hubbys…

    My most memorable weird phone call was actually from my friend’s cell to my work place a few years ago. We were going to meet up to be each other’s “date” to catch another friend’s comedy show in the city. This is what happened…

    Intercom: Rich, you have a call on line 8.

    Me: (Picking up phone.) Hello?


    Me: (Stunned silence for a few pissed-off seconds. Then I figure to disarm this with a joke.) Any chance of me getting sex tonight? Just wanna know what I get out of saying, “You’re fucking beautiful!” (Trying my best not to laugh.)

    Friend: Sorry… I just feel so stupid… Please just don’t laugh when you see me later?

    Me: Please… I am gentleman… Come as soon as you can. I’ll be kind.

    I hung up only hear my boss laughing behind me.

    Me: Uh, we always talk like that when the other person flies off the handle. She knows I don’t mean it…

    Boss: I don’t want to know! Remind me to buy you a beer later.

    Needless to say, she did look good… Not that she believed me… (sigh)Women…

  5. Most of the phone conversation I have are by text message. A recent conversation I had with my mother ended with:

    Me: “Mum, how many times have I told you not to create monstrous simian – plant hybrids?”
    Mum: “Sorry James”.

  6. Most of my strange phone conversations have lost themselves in the bowels of my mind over the years. Other peoples’ conversations are a different story. For a few years (ages 16-20) I worked as a pharmacy technician at my local CVS. It was during this time that the Nextel walkie-talkie became super popular and everywhere you went you were bound to be haunted by the obnoxious chirping sound. It never ceased to amaze me how unabashedly people would discuss pharmacy-related inquries in public walkie-talkie form. I think I knew more about certain customers than they’d ever hoped for a stranger to know.

    In other news, I still giggle over the word “sexing,” despite my age and awareness of what it actually means.

  7. My FWB was coming by for lunch this week and sent me a text as to when he would arrive. I asked him if he wanted a hot dog for lunch. Things quickly went from texting to sexting in a discussion of condiments. Lunch was very good.

    I’m almost 52 and love sexting. Not all us baby-boomers are uptight, technophobic prigs.

  8. Okay, so an internet search has actually traumatized me, so I’ll ask the expert directly. How do male birds impregnate female birds? I’ve always wondered how birds have sex (I’ve seen the mounting/flapping/mid-air displays, and they’ve only made me MORE curious.) Learning that most birds lack a penis only confuses me more.

    Please, bug_girl, please help me understand this mystery.

  9. @OnlyCheryl: I don’t think I am alone when I say that I hope talking about sex with a friend with bennies doesn’t qualify as “strange”.

    It also hope that you understand that relish does not prevent pregnancy or the transmission of STIs. It is for novelty use only. Do not use relish during your period, as this could cause serious side effects that include autism in the closest 15 children being vaccinated* and the desire to add mustard but not ketchup to your wiener.

    *My theory: autism is caused not by vaccination alone, but vaccination in proximity to people using relish during sex. That’s why, for example, there is a much higher incident rate of autism in OnlyCheryl’s state, province, or territory. Why is nobody doing a study on this, people?! Doesn’t anyone care enough about our children getting autism to study relish-based sexual habits?

  10. It’s not me and it’s not my cell-phone. But last night I heard one of the neighbors across the way scream “Freedom!” followed by some clinking and muttering. She then bellowed “It’s bourbon and you’ll find it in the fridge… *mutter mutter, clink, clunk*…”No, in the tupperware!”

    An hour later someone was in their car, in the parking lot blasting something that sounded like Helen Kane doing an off-Broadway version of “Annie.”

    I really, really want the back story on this one.

  11. Yesterday me, my husband, and a couple of friends went to IHOP after roller derby practice. We were discussing one of the skater’s bumper stickers:

    “I’m only speeding because I have to poop!”

    I was explaining how whenever I see this lolcat:

    I think of her.

    Later in the conversation, I interjected “I’M POOPIN!” into the conversation, right about when the rest of the restaurant was both busy and quiet. Yeah, I’m sure I made it into some Twitter feeds yesterday.

  12. Believe it or not, it is essentially the same as yours. This is a tale about a demented couple , both over 90 yrs of age, supervised by a son, but living independantly, thus the phone calls.

    The gentleman would call FREQUENTLY, sometimes in the middle of the night, very annoyed, and very frustrated, because he could not find his penis.

    No answer could satisfy him , of course.

    But my favorite call featuring this couple occured when, after listening to the same old “I can’t find my penis” complaint from the gentleman, his equally demented wife got on the phone and exclaimed, ” and if you find his penis I’ll kill you both!”

    They have both since passed on.

    His penis was never found.

  13. @slxpluvs: I prefer sauerkraut and wonder if that would cause autism in area children as well.

    FWB and I used to work at the same office building and would had the code word of “cantaloupe” as in “You want some cantaloupe for lunch?” on the office email. Interesting we’ve always used food as code words for sex.

    He’s about 13 years younger and yummy. The fun doesn’t stop at 50; it just gets better and better.

  14. I’d just changed my cell number to a new area code.
    Me: “Hello?”
    Her: “Hi! How are you doing?”
    Me: “I’m OK, I guess.”
    Her: “Just OK?! Happy birthday!”
    Me: “I think you have the wrong number.”
    Her: “Oh… well you have a great day anyway!”

    My girlfriend had a weird series of calls, also after changing her number. This girl kept calling and asking for some guy, then acting very suspicious when she said it was the wrong number. We suspected that it was the guy’s ex, who naturally assumed that my girlfriend was the new woman. It finally ended when I answered instead.

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