Random AsidesSkepticism

So Sad When Superstars Get Old

I remember watching Larry Bird play basketball late in his career. Saddled with recurring back problems, and hobbling up and down the court, my heart would sink at how he looked. Oh, there were occasional glimmers of the brilliant star that could zip a pass into the lane without looking at the target, or shoot a soft three-pointer that could set the cords on fire as it ripped through the net without touching the rim. But for the most part in those later years, I just wanted number 33 to be young again.

Like it or not, we become intrinsically tied to those who transcend the ordinary with their talent, and we either deny that time is taking a toll on them or we lament the fact that they no longer shine as brightly as they once did. Perhaps it’s because we reveled so deeply in their triumphs that we somehow believe they will never be matched. Or perhaps it’s because in their decline, we see the toll time is taking on us as well.

Whatever the case, it’s clear that yet another star in our lives is beginning to fade.

In the old days, the famed creature, El Chupacabra, was a fierce and glorious monster, capable of the most foul things. In his very first outing, the beast killed eight sheep. Eight sheep! And each was discovered dead with three puncture wounds in the chest area, and each completely drained of blood.

Completely drained of blood! Are you kidding me? That alone is enough to enshrine him in the Fabled Monster Hall of Fame (branches in Barret Station, Texas, Calumet City, Illinois, and Thunder Bay, Ontario)!

But El Chupacabra didn’t rest. From there, he embarked on a magnificent career, draining the blood of herds of ovines, bovines, and equines alike. He sucked the blood of goats, leaving nothing but skin and bones still intact. He terrorized entire villages of people. That’s right. People!

El Chupacabra gained fame as well as notoriety, gracing TV shows, newspaper and magazine articles, and even T-shirts. He was a ruthless killer. He was international. He was big business.

But those were the halcyon days of the 1990s. Lately, the feared Chupacabra has slowly spiraled into mediocrity.

His downward trajectory is apparent in the latest news coming out of Blanco, Texas. Seems a man heard something rustling around in his barn. He thought it was a rodent tearing stuff up, so he set out some rat poison, and killed El Chupacabra.chupacabra

So here’s our hero in his later days, folks. He’s gone from massacring entire herds of sheep to tearing stuff up in a barn. Tearing stuff up in a barn?

He’s gone from being a horrible flying creature with scales and feathers and poisonous hair and red fiery eyes, razor-sharp fangs, and claws that could disembowel an elephant to this; a coyote with mange. . . .

Bear with me. My heart is there in Blanco with El Chupacabra, and I must pause till it come back to me. . . .

Sam Ogden

Sam Ogden is a writer, beach bum, and songwriter living in Houston, Texas, but he may be found scratching himself at many points across the globe. Follow him on Twitter @SamOgden

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  1. Goddamn Sam those first 2 paragraphs are depressing as hell to me…..Oh but where did the years go……slinks off to have another drink…

  2. Wow, Texas is straaaaaange. Next thing ya know Hindu’s and Baptists will be fighting in the street over T-shirts with monkey pictures and elected officials will insist myths be given equal weight in school curriculum as established scientific facts!

  3. As a native New Jerseyan I am offended that the Pine Barrens do not get a branch of the Fabled Monster Hall of Fame.

    I mean come on it claims the friggin’ DEVIL as a resident, that’s got to be better than anything Thunder Bay brings to the table.

    It seems,three or four kinds of creatures from diifferent sources are being confused as “Chupa”.
    1)historic predator like an dinosaur,seen in Kentucky in 1920’s,30’s.lived in cave,hopped like a kangaroo,with incredible strength.Hunted,blooded,never caught.
    2) Un-known,smallish wolf-like quadruped,seen in Europe,maybe dingo,wild dog,hyena–attacks sheep.
    3)Faked-puppet U.S.G.approved tissue/blood research system,stealth helicopters from renegade bio-warfare group,in Texas.
    Participants use a large puppet to distract possible observers.
    Also mutilate cattle,sheep,horses,humans.
    If you all stop with the ridicule,you might find out,the last laugh is on you.
    Whilst you ridicule rural farmers as know-nothings/hicks,furrin dummie types,they have to deal with these invaders,up close and personal.
    Maybe,the shoe-makers should stick to their lasts,eh?
    I’m open-minded,not an knee-jerk reactionary.

  5. @Skept-artist: “Do you see a rocket booster strapped to it’s back? No, you don’t.”

    That’s because it already exploded. How do you think he got so….crispy? :-D

  6. I know you city folks are oh,so sophisticated..
    The only currently available reference I found right away is in Spanish,for the referal to issue 2 or 3 of the “Cattle Report”by Ed.Sanders.
    It’s quoted in several documents in this pdf:
    Now,I’m sure,some of you are able to read these articles posted in spanish only,by,I assume,collegues of Mr.S.Corralles,(sp.?)whom have been researching the “pre-Chupacabra”stories about attacks on domestic animals.
    Many of the farmers of the Earth have become seriously marginalised economicly,yet,every person who lives in a city depends on agribusiness to supply sustenance,to some extent,at least.
    Before you dismiss the accounts of crypto-zoologists of mystery creatures,you should actually talk to some researchers and witnesses that are out in the himnterlands,not just write this whole subject off as folk lore.

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