If you’re like millions of people, you could give an eff about the swine flu… *ahem* H1N1 virus (I apologize right now to any pigs offended by this blog post.)
However, it seems that perhaps it’s a bigger deal than you had realized. Swine flu is, at least according to the good Doc V.M. Palaniappan, a CAM peddler in Malaysia, a sexually transmitted virus! Oh noes!
I stand firm in my general over-simplification of germ theory advice that you should probably always avoid swapping any bodily fluids with a person infected with any active virus, and take precautions when doing so with a person who carries a dormant, but still contagious, one (such as HIV or HPV or herpes or that Koobface one that got everyone on Facebook a few months ago). However, my well-meaning advice is completely irrelevant to what Dr* Palaniappan (who, because I’m hopped up on pain killers at the moment will for the remainder of this post be referred to as Doc*Pal).
Doc*Pal believes no risk is involved in the hot and steamy, protection-free, one-on-one (or two or three or whatever) action between men and women. Please, feel free to get all tight and shiny under the stairs all night long with your opposite-sex partner. You hetero folk are at no risk of getting the sick piggy up in your parts… unless that’s a new thing kids are doing these days that is unrelated to the H1N1 virus.
(The terrifying, but sexy, truth about how H1N1 is actually spread after the fold)
No, the pig flu is spread by a far more disgusting and insidious kind of sex – teh gay secks! If only I were being hilarious, I would stop there. But sometimes, truth is far more ridiculous than my happily drugged-up mind could make up right now, so I must go on to tell you that there is yet another way to contract the hamiflu than just sweaty man-on-man action. The other way to get yourself infected is sweaty (or not sweaty) man-on-self action… because, apparently, in the world of Doc*Pal, a person who does not have a contagious virus can pass it to himself by coming into contact with himself.
From The Advocate:
Palaniappan claims that â€when one masturbates, or indulges in homosexual activity, his (her) body develops friction heat, and that produces acid, making the body hyperacidosed, giving burning sensation while urinating and toileting, and making the person an easy target for H1N1 infection.â€
He claims that dry masturbation, which he says â€most men, irrespective of their marital status and age,” engage in, but that it is “extremely rare among females of all age groups,” is dangerous for the same reason.
He emphasized that sex between members of the opposite sex was completely safe. Dr. Palaniappan also suggests coconut water as an herbal remedy for the prevention of H1N1.
Now, God is not only killing kittens when you self-love, but he is also killing pigs… and by pigs I mean homos and autos… and by autos, I don’t mean cars, I mean masturbationists.
Perhaps in Malaysian CAM school they leave out the part about flu spreading by contact with other people and that you can’t spread virus you don’t have to yourself… and that you can’t spread a virus you do have to yourself. And while I’m fairly sure that certain acts do carry a real risk of H1N1 transmission, I’m also fairly sure that your immune system does not care whether the baconfluenza came from the loins of sexy mans or sexy womans.
I suppose you could get the flu if someone who carries the flu virus sneezes on your hand and you use that hand to rub one out, so if someone sneezes on your hand, just wash it before you touch your junk (or your mouth or nose or food for that matter). As long as clean hands are involved, whack away, buddy, whack away.
The Advocate does go on to point out this rather disturbing piece of info that gives a little insight into the crazy of Doc*Pal:
In Malaysia homosexuality is considered a crime punishable by 20 years in jail, caning, and in some states, execution.
I’m not a doctor. I have not consulted any doctors on this issue. I haven’t even pulled up WebMD on this one. But I’m still going to dispense this advice: don’t worry about the swine flu while enjoying the company of another naked erect man… instead try to avoid getting caned and executed. After that, use a condom.
I have a much better plan than Doc*Pal’s to avoid contracting the flu -Â human, pig, bird, llama, squid or other:
- Don’t swap bodily fluids with anyone you know has the flu.
- Wash your hands
- Get a flu shot
- Extra wash your hands if you are in Malaysia… getting caned while sick with the flu is worse than drinking green Nyquil.
*the asterisk is an abbreviation for “Disclaimer: Doctor of Complimentary and Alternative ‘medicine'”
I love you now more than ever and “baconfluenza” is pure genius.
You laugh at Doc*Pal – once they laughed at Louis Pasteur, Marie Curie and Doctor Phil. Maybe he’s just a quack from a homophobic country, but hey, first stop quackery, next stop Oprah. I’d watch it.
I give this post two baconfluenza’s up.
Haha! “Hamiflu” The day’s off to a great start! Brilliant post :-)
“Palaniappan claims that â€when one masturbates, or indulges in homosexual activity, his (her) body develops friction heat, and that produces acid, making the body hyperacidosed, giving burning sensation while urinating and toileting, and making the person an easy target for H1N1 infection.â€
He claims that dry masturbation, which he says â€most men, irrespective of their marital status and age,†engage in, but that it is “extremely rare among females of all age groups,†is dangerous for the same reason.”
Does this mean that you’re safe if you lube up when you’re jerking off?
As long as it’s not with bacon grease, you are golden.
The big question is why isn’t Sarah Palin all over this and spreading the lies to the winds?
“Y’know, the gay sex that homosexuals practice is what spreads the pig flu. These gays are terrorists I tell you, out to destroy America and its troops that are fighting for our freedom of religion, and they’re using bio… biolo… disease weapons. You betcha I’m afraid, and you should be too.”
COTW @ wickedsweetcake
“Y’know, the gay sex that homosexuals practice is what spreads the pig flu. These gays are terrorists I tell you, out to destroy America and its troops that are fighting for our freedom of religion, and they’re using bio… biolo… disease weapons. You betcha I’m afraid, and you should be too.â€
I can just hear her saying that…how hilarious!
Good one Cakes!
@anonentity: COTW
I’d like to say that I’m for the avoidance of caning and imprisonment…unless that’s what your in to.
Erm…Not to be pedantic– and those of you who know me know how much I really LURVE being pedantic– But H1N1 is NOT “swine” flu.
It is a virus that has characteristics of both swine and avian influenza and that (plus its ability to spread so easily to and between humans) is what makes it so dangerous.
Autoerotica = new cash for clunkers program ? Get a load of the tailpipe on this beauty!
I don’t get viruses. I’m a Linux user.
You have got to be kidding me. Who wants to build callouses on their divining rod??
@Rav Winston:
But pigduckenfluenza isn’t as funny as baconfluenza (actually it might be) and I have nothing to replace hamiflu with. Leave your pedantics out of my hilarious drug-assisted pig sex posts!
You couldn’t give an eff.
@mxracer652:
No, you could, but you don’t.
@Elyse:
“QUOINK! QUOINK!”
Okay… so if sodomize a pig, that’s only okay if its a girl pig?
“extremely rare among females of all age groups,â€
Wait, what?
Haha….awesome post! It is always good to exercise caution in order to stay safe from these viruses, but doesn’t mean everyone should start panicing.
@Elyse: Best post ever. POTY!
As a trained herbalist and someone who knows a few things about pharmacognosy I can say without a doubt that coconut water won’t do jack for a virus of ANY kind. It isn’t even something that we study as a useful for plant-based help.
Dr* Pal is SO full of it! What scared the crap out of me is that there are people out there who will believe him.
What exactly is “dry masturbation”?
@russellsugden: I would like to know also.
@anonentity: MMMMM…..Bacon! COTW
@russellsugden:
Dry M.= Take hand. Spank (or high hat) monkey.
Nondry M.=Take handful Vaseline, cooking oil, saliva ,whatever. Spank (or high hat monkey).
In neither case use zombie.
@JOHNEA13: No no… high-hatting the monkey is what everyone CLAIMS they do. Spanking the monkey is what everyone DOES.
Wait, what? Oh, I get it, swine flu is a curse from God because we dare to be sexually expressive!! Just like Katrina, right?
Damn, though, I don’t have coconut water. Do you suppose coconut rum will do?
So if I dry rub my pork loin I could get the baconflu? I guess I better wrap my pigs in a blanket then.
BTW, Elyse, you need to keep taking those drugs, cause your posts are totally trippin’ me out!
I hope this isn’t true cuz my group and I got h1n1 on our trip to Israel. I sure as hells hope no sex of any kind was going on in my lady parts cuz I don’t remember that, though if it was there are some strong words to be had with my fellow travelers. Two male members got it particularly bad tho so that makes sense I guess. They WERE pretty good friends…
@sethmanapio:
In my case its not monkey but a silverback gorilla.
I am not dating, nor do I have H1N1. Am I doing it wrong?
I don’t see how coconut water would do any good….maybe coconut lotion?
Well Elyse, I AM a doctor, and though what I’m about to say may be a little too technical for a layman to understand, I’ll post it anyway:
” Dr Pal is fuckin’ nuts!!!!”
So the most important question is, why don’t 99% of all people have swine flu right now?
I poked around for a little more from Doc*Pal and found this: http://ebooks.ebookmall.com/ebook/261555-ebook.htm with a fantastic typo/translation gem:
Being a car geek, I need to know if he’s talking about intake manifold or exhaust manifold. I’d hate to get it wrong once I get married. The last thing I need is a unhappy wife and a engine repair bill.