If you give Headset Vince some money,
he’ll want to spend it on a fancy hotel room
When he gets to his hotel room,
he’ll feel happy and want to celebrate,
so you’ll take him clubbing.
At the club, he’ll dance . . .
. . . and have some drinks . . .
. . . and talk to girls.
One of those girls will be a hooker.
He’ll buy her a few drinks . . .
. . . and she’ll offer to show him a good time in his hotel room.
He’ll pay her $1000 and take her back to the hotel.
Once they get to the hotel, they’ll start to have a good time.
They’ll drink a little champagne . . .
. . . and he’ll try to kiss her.
When he tries to kiss her, she’ll bite his tongue.
To get her to stop biting, he’ll punch the hooker in the face.
She’ll punch back then run away.
The police will come . . .
. . . and arrest the ShamWow guy and the hooker.
Then everyone will have to go to jail.
So you’ll have to go to the jail to bail him out.
Once he’s out, he’ll see some pretty girls.
They’ll remind him of the club he was at the night before.
He’ll remember the hotel room . . .
. . . and convince you to give him more money.
Not too long ago I wrote a post about Headset Vince. I told you that he’s not just the ShamWow pitchman, but an up and coming superhero. He not only invented ShamWow, he is selling them to raise money to fight the Church of Scientology.
I also told you that he was using all the profits from the sale of Shamwows to fund his fight against them. I don’t know if that’s still true. Maybe it is. I mean, he certainly has overhead costs. Some of those costs include paying his employees… and he is one of his own employees. It’s only fair that he pays himself some sort of living wage. And in this economy, part of that wage absolutely must provide for $750 hotel rooms and $1000 prostitutes. Right?
And no matter how many of those hotel rooms and hooker nights go exactly as planned, sometimes, as Vince knows from working in customer service and sales, transactions can go awry… and end up in the news… and embarrass the people trying to convince the world that Vince is a good guy.
Right now, there is no official “her side of the story” from Sasha Harris, the young lady with whom Vince sought biblical relations that evening. She refused to answer police or media questions, except to say that she is considering filing a lawsuit against our beloved enemy of Scientology.
Vince’s side of the story is that he was at a social gathering establishment where he met a comely young lady. After some conversation, she invited him back to his hotel room for a night cap (I believe the term the kids are using these days is “straight sex, $1000”). Enchanted, awestruck and hypnotized by her beauty, he handed her a giant stack of $20 bills.
His hotel room became like the Garden of Eden, only Vince was Eve, and the beautiful young temptress was both the serpent and the fruit. She beckoned him to taste her sweet lips. When he did, she tried to bite his fucking tongue off so he punched her in the face repeatedly until she let go.
At this point, there’s not enough information to pass any judgment on whether Vince was in the right or in the wrong. It’s not really okay to go around punching hookers in the face, but I’m definitely in favor of punching people wherever necessary if they are using their teeth to amputate parts of your face. It’s a self defence move I will now dub the ChopSlap.
What I do know:
- Vince was taken to the hospital and treated for his injuries
- Harris was taken to the hospital. She had “lacerations all over her face including several facial fractures”.
- Both parties were released without being formally charged.
- Vince was, in fact, not in a great mood all day after slapping his troubles away.
What I don’t know:
- How to continue biting someone else’s tongue while getting your face broken
- Harris is a Scientologist fair gaming Vince
- Harris was hired by Billy Mays
- Harris bit Vince because he insisted she had to “Say ‘wow’ every time”
- Vince actually told her she was going to love his nuts
- How to make $1000 a night in a city with an 87% foreclosure rate
- That Miami actually has an 87% foreclosure rate
To quote Augustus Porter, my wise Facebook friend, “I say let he who has not had a drunken brawl with a hooker cast the first stone.”
Amen, Augustus; amen, bother.