I am not in my parents’ house. I am in an alternate universe where everything is made of sugar and Jeff Dunham is funny. There are 700 TV channels and not one has shown a commercial that wasn’t designed by and for idiots. Video Professor will teach me how to sell on eBay! Pay no mind to the free FAQ and step-by-step instructions on eBay’s web site! And now it’s SNUGGIE, the blanket with sleeves! It’s a blanket! With sleeves! The Snuggie! Two for the price of one! Two Snuggies! For the price of one Snuggie! Snuggie keeps your arms warm! Snuggie! Oh look, it’s Slim Clip, the amazing stainless steel wallet that you can put in the blender, if putting wallets in blenders is your sort of thing! That’s exactly how I lost my last wallet. And oh look, the History Channel has a show called UFO Hunters, because nothing says accurate historical scholarship like a weekly search for things that maybe don’t exist.
Ahem. Anyway. Comment o’ the Week! It goes to this report from the front lines of the War on Xmas:
Oskar Kennedy (LBB) // Dec 23, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Heavy casualties today. Stumbled onto an advance party, scouts from the 1225th Hollyhuckers. We traded small arms fire, but their main force arrived too quickly, and we were overwhelmed. Private Leibowitz went to work on them with his nine-pronged flame thrower, and those of use who were still alive managed to retreat into the safety of the pine forest.
I looked back, and saw them hit Leibowitzâ€™s position with a missle; TOW, I believe. Theyâ€™ll be sending whatâ€™s left of him home in a Ziploc bag.
About a dozen of us made it back to the cave, and weâ€™ve been holed up there ever since. Weâ€™ve got the lights down low and weâ€™re trying not to be noticed. Those of us who still have an appetite are quietly munching on some egg rolls that I scrounged from the mess before we hiked down into this awful place.
The lieutenant thinks if we lay low for long enough, theyâ€™ll give up and let us go. I can hear him discussing it with three of our wisest men. The murmur of their voices almost sounds comforting.
Dawkins is on watch. He yells from the mouth of the cave. I see a starburst flare, high in the sky to the East. I hear ordinance cracking in long strings, like popping corn. Splashes of blood, bright crimson, stain Dawkinsâ€™ green fatigues.
Weâ€™re not going to make it out of hereâ€¦
Was that too literal an interpretation?
Nope, that was just literal enough. Well done Oskar, your efforts have won you a SNUGGIE! You’ll have to assemble it yourself, though: just take an old sweatshirt and staple it to a blanket. Ta-da, Snuggie!
P.S.: Those of you who enjoyed Oskar’s entry should be sure to listen to Sam’s essay at the very end of the Very Special Skepchick War on Christmas.