AÂ few short minutes ago, my head exploded all over my fellow voters.
I’m still gluing the fragments of my skull back together, and stuffing whatever brains I could find back in. Fortunately, a nice lady at the polling place helped me collect all the chunks and pieces, and she wrapped them in an old newspaper for me. Without her help, I probably wouldn’t have made it. (It’s surprisinglyÂ difficult to focus on the clean-up tasksÂ after your head explodes.)
The cause of it all?
There was just too much for me to make an informed decision about every candidate and every race and issue being contested. And when IÂ encounter something complex, I tend to get explody.
Don’t get wrong. The front of the ballot was easy. It had all the big races on it; president, senators, congressmen. You know, the ones we pay attention to. I mean, we’ve been force-fedÂ this electionÂ for the last two years, so I knew those candidates. I was in no danger of sufferingÂ any head trauma yet.
But before long I got to the smaller, more obscure races, and that’s when the cranial tremors began. Trying to process all the names and offices was impossible. I don’t know if anyone was watching, but I read the ballot, trying to maintain an informedÂ look that said, “Hmmm . . . Yeah, this is not the first time I’ve heard of these people”.
“PerhapsÂ Chester HandyÂ would make a fine CommissionerÂ in Precinct 3,” my contemplative face said.
But in my mind I was thinking, “What the hell’s a comptroller? What does a County School Trustee do exactly? Is Railroad Commissioner really a position we need to vote on? What’s the difference between a District Clerk and a County Clerk? How do you pronounce Ahmad Hussamassaouwan?”
At that point, alarm bells began to sound in my mind. My head was throbbing. It felt like a soda can that had been shaken up; just a nudge and brains would come spewing out of my ears. Then I turned the ballot to the page with all the local referendums and city and county propositions, and I got that nudge.
“Oh no! Four pages of referendums?!?!”
“Wait . . .vote Yes to do away with the old sewage treatment plan, or Yes to accept the new one?”
“Proposition G funnels sales tax on cigarettes into road repair and highway maintenance? So I want to vote for it? No against it? No for it? But Referendum 42 restructures commerce funding, doesn’t it? What if I vote Yes for both of them? And wasn’t there a Bond issue for that a couple pages ago?”
“Yes on Prop 17 will create a fund for a new county court house? But Yes on Prop 76 will move the county seat to a city on the north side?!?!”
Sorry for the mess.