We here on Skepchick understand that not every one who visits is a hardcore skeptic chock full of everything there is to know about everything. That’s why it’s important to occasionally address the basics. Today is Evolution: What to Say to a Creationist!
I was going to make this a dialog between you and Reverend Jeremiah J. Pulpitbanger III, but let’s be honest, you’re not filming a Dawkins documentary and you’re never going to convince that guy of anything, anyway.
Instead, let’s say you’re at a dinner party and you wind up talking to some friend of a friend who seems kind of cute and single, but then you mention the connection between dinosaurs and chickens (which is normally perfectly appropriate dinner conversation) and he goes a bit pale and says that those proteins were put there by Jesus to test us.
We’ll call him Churchy McThinksalittle and our goal will be to teach him about evolution by the time you’re ready to take him home for further heathen corruption.
Churchy McT: You expect me to believe people evolved from monkeys?
You: No, people and monkeys came from a common evolutionary grandpa. Monkeys are like our cousin (many times removed) — you probably have a lot in common with him, you might even look alike in some ways, and you have the same grandpa who you occasionally visit in the nursing home on holidays and ignore the rest of the year. But your cousin isn’t your dad, right? Right? Oh god, is your cousin your dad? Because I’ll be honest, incest might just be a taboo with relatively scarce health effects but it still really freaks me out.
Churchy McT: So you expect me to believe we’re related to monkeys?
You: Have you even heard of reality TV?
Churchy McT: The fossil record is incomplete.
You: When do you think it will be complete?
Churchy McT: When you can show a fossil of an animal right in between two other very different animals.
You: Like an archaeopteryx?
Churchy McT: What’s that?
You: It’s a thing that looks like what might happen if a bird made sweet sweet love to a velociraptor.
Churchy McT: Well no one’s ever observed evolution.
You: Crap’s evolving all the time! The flu shot I got this year is different from the flu shot I got last year, because the flu virus evolved to be resistant to last year’s. Researchers just found a lizard on an island near Croatia that evolved from a carnivore to a vegetarian in 30 years.
Churchy McT: I find your simple yet informative responses incredibly attractive.
You: I know. Being smart helps me get laid, meaning that eventually when I stop taking my birth control pills I’ll be able to pass along my smart genes to a new generation. They will also get laid more because of their smarts, and eventually this will result in increased intelligence throughout the human race.
Churchy McT: That won’t work.
You: Why not?
Churchy McT: Because stupid people who are pretty can also get laid, meaning that the human race might just get prettier.
You: Congratulations, I think you’ve figured out the basics of natural selection.
Churchy McT: Do me!
monkey pics sent to me by Rav, courtesy of The Daily Mail
related: Darwinian pick-up lines