Not Without My Penis!

Just a warning to those of you traveling to Congo, it seems there are some serial penis thieves on the loose! So far 13 sorcerers have been arrested for using witchcraft to steal men’s penises.

What is even more disturbing is that stolen penises are a regular occurrence in Congo. Seriously.

Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread…

So apparently these sorcerers went around touching men, casting spells causing their genitalia to either shrivel up or to disappear entirely. The thieves would then demand payment to restore the victims’ manhoods (menhood?).

I don’t want to play blame the victim here but… I mean… It reminds me a bit of that got-your-nose game that people play with little kids except that the kids don’t fall for it!

Now granted I don’t have a penis. I never have, and it’s pretty safe to say that I probably never will. But I’d imagine that if I did have one, and someone told me he just stole it from me, I’d be able to prove rather definitively whether or not it was indeed stolen. And I’d probably check before panicking and running to the police demanding they fetch it back for me.

It’s not like these men were drugged and dragged into an alley. There was no surgery. No cutting. Their penises just disappeared after being “touched” (the details of the alleged touching were left out of the article) by magic men.

And don’t try to tell these guys it’s not real:

“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’,” he said.

Now the victims just sound like douchebags.

Victim: Officer! My penis is missing! It was stolen by a sorcerer on the street!

Cop: Are you sure it was stolen?

Victim: Yes! Yes! It was right here! Then that man said he was going to steal it and now I’m sure it’s gone.

Cop: Have you checked?

Victim: I don’t need to. I know it was stolen!

Cop [wishing he didn’t agree to swap shifts with his buddy]: Ok, let’s check it out.

Victim drops pants

Cop: Um… it’s not missing, sir.

Victim: YES IT IS!

Cop: No. No it’s not. It’s right there. I can see it. If you look down, sir, you will see it’s there.

Victim: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! The sorcerer shrunk it.

Cop: It looks to be a pretty average sized penis, sir. I don’t think anyone shrunk it.

Victim: No, it was shrunk for sure. I used to be 14 inches, officer.

Cop: Sure whatever. I’ll put out an amber alert for your other 8 inches.

At least now when your friends try to use the old what’s-so-wrong-with-believing argument, you can look them in the face and say, “Losing your penis. That’s what.”



Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. Ahhh.. now why didn’t I think of that before? Who needs to use the placebo effect for good when you can use it to hold peoples genitalia hostage.

    I wonder if I can get a bank loan for this business model?

  2. Hmmmm…, well…ermmm… . mass hysteria… ?No, no, mass penieria? Mass testeria? No Mojoeria?

  3. If a mad sorcerer “touches” me while I’m walking around, my darling will beat the crap out of him.

    Then she’ll cure my impotent with a ritual she knows.

  4. LolKate,

    I’ve been trying to think of what I can use for the sales pitch. Tell me what you think of what I have so far:

    me: I’d like a loan to start a business based on holding peoples genitalia hostage. Now, I know that sounds illegal, but I have no intent of ever actually harming them or removing any of their freedoms in any way so this business model won’t break any of the laws of any of the nations I’ll be operating in.

    banker: Wait. What?

    me: Exactly! By not actually taking their genitalia, I won’t actually be breaking any laws at all! All I will have to do is convince them that I HAVE taken their genitalia without actually doing it.

    banker: I’m sorry sir, but this is just ridiculous. I’m going to have to ask….

    me: Now you see, that’s exactly what I said at first. But then I heard about the penis thieves of Africa. They are well documented and the cases of their activities are both well established and incontestable so it is a well established business approach in some parts of the world already. [slides across paperwork documenting cases of penis theft and return after payment of the ransom].

    banker: You have to be kidding.

    me: I agree entirely. They obviously just aren’t thinking big enough. Activities will clearly scale up easily and the training necessary to produce an effective penis thief appears fairly straightforward. I’ve already tested the training regime by perfecting the technique myself. So, when do you think you can have the approval pushed through?

    banker: Sir, this is just ludicrous. I don’t see any way that we can approve this. Goodbye.

    me: [standing and reaching out to shake hands] Well, I understand your position completely and I’m terribly sorry to hear that. [shakes hands] Still, I expect that if you want your penis back you’ll find a way to approve it.

    You have my contact details, I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

    [turns and leaves the building]


    Of course, the obvious hurdle is getting out of the bank with the loan officers penis, but if I can pull of that one bit. Well, then it should be clear sailing from there….. ;)

  5. I’ll get started on the fancy looking power point right away. Also, I’ll make the ominous looking jar labeled “Banker Penis”.

    I think the best approach would be to have me standing behind you silently holding said jar. Ideally, I’d be wearing Oddjob’s hat. I think a single stern look from me at the end of the transaction would make the process of leaving the bank with penis in tow much easier. At least that’s how it work in my fantasy. At some point there would also be a high speed chase with lots of explosions.

  6. “Africa: it’s where teh crazy lives.”

    I don’t think that’s fair. Are we any better with our homeopathy and astrology? And we even have the benefit of education. Besides, the people of Africa have to put up with white people giving them bibles and bras with their food, being told not to accept corn because it’s GM, governments that tell you AIDS isn’t real, etc. How well would you do in that environment?

  7. Fexake! I’ve heard of folk who couldnae find their own arses without both hands and a torch, but this…?

  8. Oh, one caveat to your business plan, Magma… if you ever are accused of stealing someone’s penis, you will likely be lynched.

    Buy insurance.

  9. I’d bet that this is how this story started…ahem.

    “No, really baby, it doesn’t always look like this. I swear its usually much bigger. You see, uh…um…a sorcerer, yeah a sorcerer cast an evil spell on me so now it looks like…uh, this.”

    That or these guys just got done swimming in some chilly water.

  10. I thought there was a best comment of the week/month award, although Elyse’s eligibility may be suspect, this wins hands down.

    At least now when your friends try to use the old what’s-so-wrong-with-believing argument, you can look them in the face and say, “Losing your penis. That’s what.”


    Checkmate indeed. There is nothing funny about losing your penis.

  11. If you send $5000 to the Congolese witch he will be able to access $5,000,000 in penis ransom money being held by his bank. You will then receive $50,000 as a service fee by allowing said witch doctor to distribute the ransom money to his associates working in their respective towns and villages. There’s no risk, and if you’re the least bit hesitant one of the good doctors associates can perhaps see you personally and help persuade you…

  12. I got so drunk once that I couldn’t find my penis. What do you know it was right in front of me the whole time. If it had been a snake it would have bit me.

  13. Just so ya know, the Bible addresses their fate:

    He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. (Deuteronomy 23:1)

  14. Skeptigator

    Thanks! But I am, in fact, no eligible to be the comment of the week.

    The skepTick

    I wouldn’t worry too much. I doubt they’re Christians.

  15. Oh sure…I’m just posting this as an FYI, in case there are any Christians reading this. They shouldn’t be surprised when they see the “Whip it out for faster service” sign at the pearly gates.

  16. Kate,

    ahhh… explosions… Gosh… this business plan just keeps getting better and better. But how do we make it so that the explosions help steal more penises for us?


    I’m not to worried about a lynching. If that case comes up I’ll just steal all their penises and tell them that the price of their return is letting me go. Additionally, I’ll tell them that if they DO actually kill me, then not only will they never get their penises back, but I’ll give them to their women before I die.

    I reckon that anyone who believes their penis can be stolen by sorcery will believe I can put it on their significant other. Hehe.

  17. If this isn’t the archetypal story of male sexual insecurity, I don’t know what is.

    Elyse:“I wouldn’t worry too much. I doubt they’re Christians.”

    I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Christians in Africa tend to meld their traditional beliefs in with their Christian ones. Many Africans who self-identify as Christian visit their local shamans more often than they see their local priests/ministers.

  18. One more reason for Africans not to become Christians- if someone steals your penis you’re going to hell anyway.

    and now I totally can’t stop giggling because I never thought I would ever get to use that as an argument against Christianity.

  19. Hey ladies, did you hear that? I think TheCzech just said that women are better off in hell!

    You’re in trouble now! :)

  20. Elyse:“Hey ladies, did you hear that? I think TheCzech just said that women are better off in hell!”

    Actually, that might be true based on how most women I know set the thermostat…and set it, and set it, and set it again. Maybe you would finally find a temperature you like. :P

    (Though the original comment was just noting that sensitive body parts probably wouldn’t fare too well in hades.)

  21. Elyse: “and now I totally can’t stop giggling because I never thought I would ever get to use that as an argument against Christianity.”

    …which brings to mind a good bedtime story Christians can use to keep their kids Christian (well, at least the boys): The Grinch Stole Your Penis…and Now You’re Going to Hell!

  22. Magma,

    I think we could steal all the penises of congress and threaten to blow them up if our ransom isn’t paid. From what I gather, they are very protective of their manhood.

    p.s. I call being played by Catherine Zeta Jones in the semi-partially based on a true story movie that will be made about our exploits.

  23. LOLkate,

    Catherine Zeta Jones is all yours, but only if I can get to be played by Edward Norton.

    The only problem now, however, is actually figuring out how we will steal the penises of congress, (I have no doubt that they are dumb enough to believe we can do it. These are, after all, the same people who though they could legislate the proper functioning of electricity to better fit capitalism). The first couple ones will be easy enough, we could probably even just start by sending letters telling them that by opening the letter their manhood was vanished. However, quickly enough they will hire people to open their mail for them, and body-guards to keep an eye on their penis for them and make sure it doesn’t go anywhere.

    Yeah.. it will definitely bey the last hundred or so that will be the toughest to get away with.

    Do you think we can get James Bond to help us? ;)

  24. Your genitalia hostage taking operation could also include stealing testicles. That section of the operation could be named the petite naughty impetuous skepchick nut vacaters ( P-NIS- N .V. for an acronym)

  25. …”being told not to accept corn because it’s GM, governments that tell you AIDS isn’t real, etc. How well would you do in that environment?”

    uh, pretty poorly,because it’s crazy? The government telling you that AIDS isn’t real? I would call that crazy. As soon as our government starts jailing people based on the numerological outcome of their names (not that anyone in Africa does that, I’m just giving an example), I’ll say we’re as crazy. Not that invading Iraq isn’t crazy…well,maybe that’s more evil.

  26. “so a more PC version… ‘Earth: it’s where teh crazy lives’”

    yes.fair enough. I just don’t think that acupuncture is as bad as FGM…but hey, the Germans have their caviar dinners, the mexicans have their botanicas, we have the FLDS, australia has the midget tossing, etc……so yeah, earth: it’s where teh crazy lives.

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