Just a warning to those of you traveling to Congo, it seems there are some serial penis thieves on the loose! So far 13 sorcerers have been arrested for using witchcraft to steal men’s penises.
What is even more disturbing is that stolen penises are a regular occurrence in Congo. Seriously.
Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread…
So apparently these sorcerers went around touching men, casting spells causing their genitalia to either shrivel up or to disappear entirely. The thieves would then demand payment to restore the victims’ manhoods (menhood?).
I don’t want to play blame the victim here but… I mean… It reminds me a bit of that got-your-nose game that people play with little kids except that the kids don’t fall for it!
Now granted I don’t have a penis. I never have, and it’s pretty safe to say that I probably never will. But I’d imagine that if I did have one, and someone told me he just stole it from me, I’d be able to prove rather definitively whether or not it was indeed stolen. And I’d probably check before panicking and running to the police demanding they fetch it back for me.
It’s not like these men were drugged and dragged into an alley. There was no surgery. No cutting. Their penises just disappeared after being “touched” (the details of the alleged touching were left out of the article) by magic men.
And don’t try to tell these guys it’s not real:
“But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it’s become tiny or that they’ve become impotent. To that I tell them, ‘How do you know if you haven’t gone home and tried it’,” he said.
Now the victims just sound like douchebags.
Victim: Officer! My penis is missing! It was stolen by a sorcerer on the street!
Cop: Are you sure it was stolen?
Victim: Yes! Yes! It was right here! Then that man said he was going to steal it and now I’m sure it’s gone.
Cop: Have you checked?
Victim: I don’t need to. I know it was stolen!
Cop [wishing he didn’t agree to swap shifts with his buddy]: Ok, let’s check it out.
Victim drops pants
Cop: Um… it’s not missing, sir.
Victim: YES IT IS!
Cop: No. No it’s not. It’s right there. I can see it. If you look down, sir, you will see it’s there.
Victim: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! The sorcerer shrunk it.
Cop: It looks to be a pretty average sized penis, sir. I don’t think anyone shrunk it.
Victim: No, it was shrunk for sure. I used to be 14 inches, officer.
Cop: Sure whatever. I’ll put out an amber alert for your other 8 inches.
At least now when your friends try to use the old what’s-so-wrong-with-believing argument, you can look them in the face and say, â€œLosing your penis. Thatâ€™s what.â€