Hot on the heels of the startling realisation that I’m psychic, I have now discovered another incredible and previously-considered-physically-impossible superpower. I am static, and not gently so. Dear reader, don’t be scared when I tell you that I’m so static, I can break roller coasters.
First, though, I want you to consider the case of this poor grandmother, who claims that she generates so much static electricity, she breaks her household appliances. Despite the fact that it’s highly, highly improbable that such a thing is possible, Mavis (yes really) claims “I’ve gone through kettles, vacuum cleaners, irons. A few people have suggested that I go to the doctors about it, but I don’t know what good it would do if I went.”
It wouldn’t do any good, Mavis, because you’ve already made up your mind. Which brings us neatly to my own recently-discovered ability! I have Mavis beat, so much so that if there was an award for ‘Most Static Woman in England Who Can Break Stuff, Honest’, then I’d be ripping the award from her pudgy little fingers while she cries into her spotted dick.
This weekend we went to Legoland in Windsor, for a laugh and also because I wanted to kidnap a child for evil experiments and it seemed like a good place to find one (that’s possibly not true. Disneyland Paris has far more kids). Anyway, I was walking past one of the rollercoasters, considering whether or not to brave its heights, when it ground to a halt! I’ve always wanted to see people stranded on a fairground ride (I told you I was evil), but it didn’t occur to me that I might be the source of the problem, until…
The next day (yesterday in my time), we were in the centre of London to see a play (this one), and had some time to kill. We were ambling past the great big massive whopping ginormous London Eye, the famous tourist attraction and worldâ€™s largest cantilevered observation wheel, when it broke. This has never happened before.
The odds of this happening twice in a weekend by chance, just as I’m walking past, are mental*. Therefore, I did it. Keep me away from Mavis, if we’re ever in the same room we’re liable to spontaneously combust.