Valentine’s DayÂ can beÂ rough all around, I think. If you’re single, you feel left out.Â If you’re not single, there’s all this pressure to be romantic, to do something special. If you’re cheating on your spouse, you have twice the outlay, so to speak. If you’re a sado-masochist, you have to find the REDÂ spiked ball gag from the back of the closet. If you’re into bestiali–… well, you get the idea. Valentine’s Day can be rough.Â Here at Skepchick, we’re here to help.
If you’re overly lonely, stressed, broke, gagged, orÂ chafing this Valentine’s Day, here are a couple of ideas to put the cream back in your chocolate.
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Maybe you need a makeover! Try Jesus cosmetics! Get them quick, before they’re taken off the shelves. In no time at all, you’ll be feeling sexy with your fake beard, 12-hour spray-on stigmata, and Jimmy Choo leather floating sandals!Feeling blue? Well at least it’s not red. If it was, you’d be arrested, at least in Saudi Arabia. The Saudis have banned anything red in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day.Â I wonder if this means no bleeding? Stay out of Hallmark stores, in case someone lays down a Valentine’s Fatwa.Â Of course, they’re not alone.Â In my home country, fundamentalist Hindu groups raided stores and burned Valentine’s Day cards.Â We Indians throw a fierce meaningless protest!
And, of course, if you are planning on getting a little something for your sweetie, it’s not that easy anymore.Â Â Make sure you’re not killing the planetÂ by buying flowers or chocolates that hurt flower growers or cocoa farm workers. Really.Â That stuff also hurts the environment, and not just because Indians have set all the florists and candy stores on fire and Muslims have bombed Hallmarks. Call me an extremely sexy traditionalist with buns to die for if you must, but if we are reduced to giving each other heart-shaped bales of peat moss and a dozen long-stem carbon credits, then I say we skip the whole thing and get drunk early for St. Paddy’s.
Happy Valentine’s Day!Â Be careful out there.
Cross posted at Masala Skeptic.