Be(ware) my Valentine…

Valentine’s Day can be rough all around, I think. If you’re single, you feel left out.  If you’re not single, there’s all this pressure to be romantic, to do something special. If you’re cheating on your spouse, you have twice the outlay, so to speak. If you’re a sado-masochist, you have to find the RED spiked ball gag from the back of the closet. If you’re into bestiali–… well, you get the idea. Valentine’s Day can be rough.  Here at Skepchick, we’re here to help.

If you’re overly lonely, stressed, broke, gagged, or chafing this Valentine’s Day, here are a couple of ideas to put the cream back in your chocolate.

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Maybe you need a makeover! Try Jesus cosmetics! Get them quick, before they’re taken off the shelves. In no time at all, you’ll be feeling sexy with your fake beard, 12-hour spray-on stigmata, and Jimmy Choo leather floating sandals!Feeling blue? Well at least it’s not red. If it was, you’d be arrested, at least in Saudi Arabia. The Saudis have banned anything red in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day.  I wonder if this means no bleeding? Stay out of Hallmark stores, in case someone lays down a Valentine’s Fatwa.  Of course, they’re not alone.  In my home country, fundamentalist Hindu groups raided stores and burned Valentine’s Day cards.  We Indians throw a fierce meaningless protest!

And, of course, if you are planning on getting a little something for your sweetie, it’s not that easy anymore.  Make sure you’re not killing the planet by buying flowers or chocolates that hurt flower growers or cocoa farm workers. Really. That stuff also hurts the environment, and not just because Indians have set all the florists and candy stores on fire and Muslims have bombed Hallmarks. Call me an extremely sexy traditionalist with buns to die for if you must, but if we are reduced to giving each other heart-shaped bales of peat moss and a dozen long-stem carbon credits, then I say we skip the whole thing and get drunk early for St. Paddy’s.

Happy Valentine’s Day!  Be careful out there.

Cross posted at Masala Skeptic.


Maria D'Souza grew up in different countries around the world, including Hong Kong, Trinidad, and Kenya and it shows. She currently lives in the Bay Area and has an unhealthy affection for science fiction, Neil Gaiman and all things Muppet.

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  1. For an atheist who married a pagan, you'd thing we'd give St. Valentine’s Day a complete miss. But, no. I'm still expected to buy the heart-shaped box of chocolates, and take her to dinner.

  2. I've never actually had a relationship that coincided with Valentines day. Or the other way around.

    As such, VD for me is just a reminder of my singleness. Perhaps to such a degree that I may even boycot VD altogether, even if I should some day have a relationship that lasts beyond February 14.

    Besides, with that many couples trying to be romantic on this day, you're bound fail somehow by comparison, or get caught in a line somewhere between other couples wanting to be romantic. Better to pick another day to celebrate your togetherness. Perhaps February 13 and/or 15, just to be contrary.

  3. "I’ve never actually had a relationship that coincided with Valentines day. Or the other way around."

    Me neither. And I can't say I'm all that broken up about it. It's such a racket. Overpriced flowers, overbooked restaurants, etc.

  4. Exactly, romantic in no way implies expensive. But merchandising would have you believe otherwise.

    Sadly, I fear that any girl would be upset if you decided to boycot VD. Probably one of those things you should be honest about upfront. Like a VD …

  5. Fo' sho' Valentines Day is totaly fake like anything supernatural, goverment for the people etc etc etc…but that doesn't mean we/you/us can't have kindness today. I love this site and I guess the people, even though I've never met any of you and it seems that you are east coasters…but…

    I'm a single dude and I love brains, not the two up front, but the one up top. Sexy, sexy brains drive me crazy and many times I come to this site ( and others ) and I totally laugh and become informed. Sometimes when I'm at work I sneak into the office for a quickie, a laugh, a hug/embrace of witty skepticism, then I can go back to my day. Thanxs much.

    Happy Valentines Day everyone, even the dudes, pleezes keep up the great work.

    Heart always, Kriss, self proclaimed hunk-a-holic, brown lover of the sexy, desirable brain, and absolute lover of Skeptic.

  6. “I say we skip the whole thing and get drunk early for St. Paddy’s.”

    Rebecca hasn’t commented, but I think it’s safe to say that this gets her Official Stamp of Approval.

    The one year I had a girlfriend around VD, we skipped celebrating on the day of and I just took her out for a nice jazz brunch the next day (which was a Sunday). It was still romantic and fun, but without the ridiculous pressure. Or the need to book months in advance.

    The one thing I do like about VD is that the Brattle Theater has a tradition of playing Casablanca, which is one of my two favourite films of all time. So I’ll be there tonight. Alone, granted, but who cares?

  7. And that is why I'll stay out of Bombay. That's right, BOM-BAY.

    Reminds me of this cartoon where a character is bashing his rival's alarm clock to prevent him from waking up. He looks up as his enemy opens up a closet filled with alarm clocks.


    The clock basher runs over and starts throwing more clocks on the ground in an orderly fashion.

    I don't know how they do it down south, but I've seen VD cards in New Delhi shops and they just made me want to join in the burning. Or maybe that's part of a sophisticated strategy:

    1. Stock all the cheesy cringe-inducing cards.

    2. Wait for pillaging mobs.

    3. Restock and profit.

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