And by “medicine cabinet”, I mean my shirt… because my boobs have magical healing powers! It’s true it’s true! (and by “true” I mean “false”.)
It is important to note that not every woman has magical medicine melons. So please don’t touch the bazooms of random women on the street in a perverted attempt to cure what ails you. In fact, in order to have healing hooters, you must be lactating.
Before you groan and tell me that cancer-curing (among other things) bovine colostrum is old news, let me tell you that I am not talking about cows or colostrum, I am talking about the juice from human jugs!
Do you ever get tired of calling your doctor and going to the pharmacy for pesky pink eye infections? Call no more! Just find some naturopathic knockers and stick a nipple in your eye! C’mon, what’s cooler – trying not to blink during your 12th attempt to get some antibiotic drops into your eye or trying not to blink during your 12th attempt to get an eyeful of sweet succulent sweater fruit? (No one reads Playboy for the articles or Visine ads.)
Now most ear infections clear up without antibiotics, but that’s not important. If you want to clear up an ear infection without antibiotics, just use ta-ta milk! The evidence is clear! Most of the time, if you use your Milky Murphies instead of calling the doctor, you won’t have to give your money to big pharma. (note: for ease and accuracy in administrating drops from your bebops, try decreasing the room temperature by 5Â°F.)
If you happen to burn yourself and you like muffins, you could be in for a real treat! Burns treated with magic bloobberry paste (that’s my word for blueberries mashed together with boob milk) heal in one hour!!! Any leftovers can be mixed with Bisquick to make aforementioned muffins.
Still breastfeeding your teenager? After feedings just squirt some milk on his face to treat acne!
Don’t bother with antibiotic ointment, you can just squirt your mesmerizers onto your gaping wounds to keep them uninfected.
Sore throats be gone with a nice big gulp of the stuff! (“Really honey, this isn’t what it looks like. You see I thought I was coming down with strep and my secretary is lactating. I swear!”)
And there’s still the ever popular nips-up-the-nose maneuver to cure sniffles!
There’s nothing that can’t be cured with a good squeeze of the ol’ maracas. But I know what you’re thinking – now that your family is totally cured of all infectious diseases, what are you to do with all this leftover mammaramba milk? Make soap!!!! Yes, soap. I guess it’s better than using the regular stuff when you wash your kid’s mouth out.
On a serious note, I understand that there are many very good reasons to breastfeed, there is absolutely no question about that. As I mentioned, I am currently breastfeeding my 5Â½ month old son and will continue to do so for a while. Unfortunately, there is some bad advice going around about the health benefits associated with it aside from the rather amusing ones I found. Terrifyingly, at one point I was told that breastfed babies do not die from SIDS, and mothers who breastfeed do not need to worry about putting their babies back-to-sleep, the #1 preventative measure for SIDS. I was relieved when I was unable to find any websites making this claim. Breastfeeding reduces the risk but does not cure SIDS, period. While it’s irresponsible (albeit hilarious) to tell women to use their boobs to clear up infections that will probably clear themselves up anyway, it is criminal to tell them that their milk immunizes their babies against death If anyone runs across such a claim, let me know.
Please lactate responsibly.