I laughed, I cried, I got sick of hearing about it. Beginning with an e-mail I received yesterday, through the dozen more e-mails last night and this morning, right past the blurb on NPR’s Morning Edition, and up to and including the four e-mails I just got, I have finally decided to log on and acknowledge the existence of a stupid cat that is supposedly predicting the deaths of seniors in a stupid retirement home, a “fact” that was reported on in a stupid essay in the usually not stupid New England Journal of Medicine. Stupid stupid stupid. Someone “observed” that when the stupid cat lays down in the vicinity of someone, they might die within a few hours. Let’s recap what we know:
Cats spend 99% of their lives lying down, often within the vicinity of a human being.
Stupid Nursing Home
By definition, these are homes full of old people who are going to die soon.
No one has actually bothered to pay attention to how often the stupid cat hangs out with people who are within hours of death. They just kind of notice when it just so happens the person dies after a visit from Stupid Death Cat. This is known as Stupid Confirmation Bias, aka “the thing you do when you remember all the times a song you were singing comes on the radio and forget all the times a song you were singing fails to come on the radio and merely annoys those people around you who are trying to listen to the radio without you bursting into a random song for no reason.”
Stupid Cat Hates People
According to residents, the cat doesn’t even like people. Hello? Cat hates people, cat hangs out with people, people mysteriously die hours later? People please, if this were an episode of Colombo we would’ve already heard Peter Falk say, “Uh, sorry sir, I just had one more question…” and then the cops storm the place and throw Mr. Whiskers into frigging Cat Penitentiary for life x 9.
Okay? Can we stop with the stupid death cat now? Thanks. Kisses.