Itâ€™s Easter, so thoughts naturally turn to the big religious questions, like â€˜is there any chocolate left?â€™, â€˜isnâ€™t this a Pagan festival?â€™, and my personal favourite â€˜was Jesus hot?â€™
I invite you to submit your own ratings of the hotness of Jesus, but please keep any specific fantasies to yourself. First, a short investigation.
Our first port of call is that bastion of fact, the Bible. A quick speed-read (oh, alright, I Googled for it) reveals that there is no description of Jesus anywhere within its pages, and certainly no comment on his hunkiness or lack thereof. Forget that then, letâ€™s find something else. Paintings.
The most popular depiction of Jesus is the beardy one, but this seems to have come about as a direct result of the discovery of the Shroud of Turin. Prior to the shroud, Jesus was often painted as a beardless , short-haired young chap. Think Brad Pitt with a flock of sheep. Troublesome, then, as my sources for rating Jesusâ€™ hotness must rely on artistic depictions of him and most of the surviving ones have facial hair. Surveys show that only 3% of women find beards attractive, so Iâ€™m calling that a vote against hot. For now.
The most famous painting of Jesus is probably The Last Supper. Itâ€™s so famous, I have it on a placemat. Iâ€™m going to bring that in as evidence for hot, using the dodgy logic that as itâ€™s the most famous, it must be the most appealing and therefore the hottest. Heâ€™s our archetypal Jesus then.
Here he is.
Itâ€™s hard to see, but Iâ€™m assured he does actually have a beard in the painting. And in actual fact he does look sort of hot. In Da Vinciâ€™s day there was a trend for portraying religious figures with feminine features, for example high cheekbones, arched eyebrows and rosebud lips. Hmm, who does that remind me of? Not, not Elvis.
Sean was voted the 58th sexiest man in the world, 2006, by 10,000 women. Thatâ€™s all I need to make my decision. If Sean Penn is officially hot, and he looks like Jesus, then Jesus must also have been hot. And the final nail in the evidence coffin is a little reminder that Sean Penn was married to Madonna.
Case closed? Not quite. I have done a little master forgery and replaced the real Last Supper with my own version. If no-one notices, then itâ€™s official. Jesus was hot.