I have the greatest readers ever. A very special Sunday Night Sermon shout out goes to Robert, a reader of Skepchick who decided that I didn’t have enough assclowns in my life. Robert alerted me to Don Walton, a frontline Creationidiot who spews absurdities at a faster rate than the average world wrestling champion. He’d at least be more entertaining if only he were wearing spandex tights and screaming things like “The Don ain’t uh-ceptin’ no fossil evidence what ain’t in Genesis, bizznitch!”
“The Don” Walton wrote a fascinating little article for “Florida Baptist Witness,” your regular source for Fundie-mental news. You can read it here. Go on, I’ll wait a second while you look it over.
The Don begins his diatribe by talking about the failure of the Genesis space capsule, leading eventually to this insightful comment:
Now I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know about you, but as far as IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m concerned, scientists who canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t figure out which way to put in a parachute have no chance of figuring out the origin of the universe.
I don’t know about you, but as far as I’m concerned, Bible literalists who can’t figure out that 30 million animals can’t all fit on a boat have no chance of figuring out much of anything else.
The Don then sets his super-fundie powers on the discovery of a pulsar. Honestly, I’ve read and reread that paragraph and I have no idea what he’s complaining about. I get the feeling that researchers haven’t fully explored the new find yet, and for some reason that means evolution is wrong. Look, stop asking your stupid questions and just trust the Don.
Finally we’re on to the main event: the discovery of a 375-million-year-old transitional fossil that God planted in the Canadian Arctic to test us. The Don’s rebuttal? The coelecanth.
Yes, The Don claims that this hideous fish
…has not only given evolution a black eye, but left evolutionists scratching their heads for an explanation to why the Coelacanth failed to evolve into an amphibian and has remained virtually unchanged for the past 400 million years.
Yes, many a scientist was forced to put down his test tubes and crack a Bible due to the overwhelming evidence for creationist nonsense presented by the lowly coelacanth. After all, no where else have we ever seen an animal remain unchanged for such a long time! Except for the gingko tree. And the dogfish. Uh, plus the bishir, the gar, hagfish, lamprey, lungfish, paddlefish, sturgeon, giant sequoia trees, millipedes, armadillos, crocodilians, and some bacteria. OH, and horshoe crabs, I think. But that’s besides the point! Clearly, evolution is wrong because these things have not evolved into other things.
It’s like the monkey argument in a different format. If humans evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys around? You see? It’s crazy! Oh, and my cousin. Tell me this, evolutionists: if I evolved from my cousin, then why is my cousin still alive? Why isn’t my cousin me? You have no answer, do you? WHERE IS YOUR SCIENCE NOW?
The Don has delivered the final slam from the top rope, leaving evolution broken and bleeding on the mat. In your face, science. In your face.