Ted Cruz’s Anti-Dildo Brigade

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Sorta transcript:

Here in the US, the Republican presidential nominee election has been pretty well dominated by Donald Trump, the 4-chan white supremacist candidate of choice who never met a woman he didn’t want to reduce to her fuckability, including his infant daughter.

But there is another guy in the race, and that guy’s name is Ted Cruz. To give you an idea of how unlikely Cruz’s eventual presidency may be, a polling company found that 38% of Florida voters think there’s a chance he might be the Zodiac Killer. 10% were sure he was the Zodiac Killer. The Zodiac Killer was murdering people two years before Ted Cruz was born but honestly even I’m thinking there’s a chance it’s true. I even have the t-shirt.

But even if people do think he’s the Zodiac Killer, they may not realize how terrible he is when he’s standing next to Donald Trump. That’s why it’s important that we all take a moment to remember some of his greatest hits.

Sure, Cruz believes Planned Parenthood sells body parts. Of course he voted against the Violence Against Women Act. Obviously he’s against same sex marriage and doesn’t even think gay people should be allowed to have parades. Clearly he wants to abolish the US Department of Education. Yes he thinks Obama is coming for his guns. Absolutely he would shut down the government to prevent people from getting universal healthcare. Yes he wants to build a giant wall to keep immigrants out. No doubt he fought to keep “under God” in the pledge of allegiance and the 10 commandments on government property. Yep, he hates net neutrality and thinks that we should ban any technology that bad guys use. And yeah, he doesn’t believe in climate change and he’s probably not into evolution, either, as I covered in an earlier video.

But all that needs to take a backseat, now, because it has come to light that while Obama might be coming for your guns, Ted Cruz might be coming for your dildos. That’s “coming for,” to be clear, not “coming from.” If it were the latter, Cruz would be way more chill.

OK no, he’s probably not going to outlaw dildos if he becomes president, but it is worth noting that he was instrumental in fighting hard to keep dildos and other sex toys illegal in Texas. They weren’t illegal to have, only to sell, which Cruz (as a Texas solicitor general) tried to argue was not impeding anyone’s rights. The fact that Cruz doesn’t believe blocking access to something is impeding someone’s right to have it shouldn’t be surprising, since that has been the GOP’s approach to stopping women from legally obtaining abortions for the past two decades.

To make matters worse, Cruz’s team out-and-out argued that people have no right to “stimulate one’s genitals” (and that’s a direct quote). This is where you can see the complete bastardization of what the Republican party likes to claim it stands for — not for individual liberty, but for the State’s literal right to restrict even your freedom to touch your own dick.

When breaking this story, David Corn at Mother Jones wonders what would have happened had Cruz’s team appealed their losing case all the way to the Supreme Court, writing “Imagine how his political career might have been affected had Cruz become the public face for the anti-dildos movement.” You guys, it’s not too late. I get that it’s not shocking or even detrimental for a Republican to be anti-women’s healthcare, but being openly anti-women’s pleasure is just novel enough to work, especially when we can incorporate the word “dildo” so easily. And of course, it’s not just women’s pleasure he’s against, since the law also banned fleshlights and other “obscene” toys.

I’m hoping this results in a new meme: Ted Cruz’s Anti-Dildo Brigade. I’d buy that t-shirt.