Does Science Prove That Drunk Vegetarians Secretly Eat Meat?
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Sorta transcript:
A study has shown that one in three vegetarians eats meat when they’re drunk! This groundbreaking research was performed by the esteemed scientists at the University of VoucherCodesPro, a coupon website. As I’m sure you know, VoucherCodesPro was founded in 1834 by Thomas Jefferson as a haven for intellectuals to pursue humanity’s greatest scientific questions, and also coupons.
When reached for comment, the Vice Chancellor of VoucherCodesPro said, “It was really easy to make up these numbers and then put out a press release and have people believe it, because a lot of people who eat meat feel bad about it and they want to believe that people who don’t eat meat are somehow phoneys.”
When asked to elaborate, he clarified, “This press release really helped our search engine rankings, you stupid fucks. Here, have a coupon. No more questions.”
According to the survey, which almost certainly doesn’t even exist since there’s absolutely no data published anywhere about it, 34% of secret meat-eaters say they eat meat every time they drink, 26% said fairly often, 22% said rarely, and 18% said occasionally. 69% said they’re alarmed at the number of fake scientific results that get reported on in the media without a degree of skepticism. 100% said they think VoucherCodesPro is the greatest coupon website they’ve ever visited.
Here’s what the well-trained science journalists paid a full-time living wage for mainstream newspapers had to say about this study.
[interview missing]Here’s what a random victorious meat-eater had to say about this study: “If some vegetarians eat meat very rarely, it’s okay for me to eat meat all the time and not ever wonder where my food comes from or how it is produced. Ha ha ha, bacon. Bacon bacon bacon. It’s funny because I said ‘bacon.’”
On behalf of animal rights activists, science communicators, and most importantly VoucherCodesPro, I’d like to thank you for sharing this important press release study on all your social media outlets. Well done, team.
Seriously… You know who loves bacon? My 6 year old. He loooooves bacon. That’s what grown ass persons who go “Bacon, Bacon, Checkmate Vegans!!!” sound like, six year old boys. Not a vegan or vegetarian myself, but I at least have the decency to treat the people I know and love who are like fucking adults.
FWIW, my problem with animal rights groups is anti-indigenous terrorism more than anything. (Think Sea Shepherd.)
Drinking lowers inhibitions and rational thought, so it stands to reason when you drink you are more likely to do things that you wouldn’t do sober. Maybe it’s eating meat if you are a vegetarian, or smoking if you are an ex-smoker, or gambling more than you should (which is why you get free drinks at the machines/tables in Vegas).
I’m not sure why this would even get attention, real study or no, since it gives us the result we would expect. When I first saw a reference to this “study”, not for one second did I think vegetarians were “phonies”. What an absurd conclusion to make.
I just conducted a study that showed that 31% of theists have conjured Satan while drunk.
I am always suspicious of restaurant menus that say ‘suitable for vegetarians’.
Who says what is suitable? Whether the food does or does not contain meat is an objective fact but suitability is inherently subjective. I happen to think that many a vegetarian would be well suited to a nice slab of prime rib. But that isn’t an opinion many vegetarians seem to share.
Incidentally, why do restaurants serve Prime rib in 8, 10 and 14 oz portions? NONE OF THOSE IS PRIME!. Proper prime rib should be 7, 11, 13, 17, etc.
Relax, I’m sure those weights are for uncooked portions and when cooked they become fully prime. The 10oz must be particularly fatty and needs a trim as well.
I’d guess it was a non-negligible number who do that. I’ve personally known one person who did this. Considering that some pretty significant number of vegetarians like the taste of meat fine but think it’s unethical to eat it (source: personal discussions with many vegetarians but am open to being told I’m full of shit if the data is against me), I imagine drunk people who want meat but think it’s wrong might do it.
Personally I’m a vegetarian and think meat is super disgusting. (I also personally feel icky about killing animals for my consumption if it’s not necessary, but I wouldn’t myself eat vat meat if it were available because meat is gross to my personal palate.) I have weird recurrent nightmares about eating meat and thinking it’s gross. They have a similar feel to nightmares about having sex with Hitler or something. I’m not going to eat meat when I’m drunk any more than I’m going to eat paint.
So uh, I guess I’d find it vaguely interesting for pure curiosity’s sake if there were some actual data on the subject. Also what people’s primary reason for being vegetarian vs likelihood of drunk meating. (ethics vs. incidental vs. don’t like it vs. perceived health, etc.)