Chairs. They’re ubiquitous, such an accepted part of everyday life that no one even thinks twice about them.
For as long as we’ve had television and film, falling out of chairs has been a common trope to express shock, clumsiness, or uncontrollable laughter.
These days, even genuine accidents are giffed about the Internet without so much as a single person wondering why so many of our chairs seem out to get us. Chair-related “accidents” are almost universally seen as humorous, a view that is the result of the masterful PR work of a powerful lobby of chairs.
When will we wake up to the dangers of this deadly furniture? After they’ve killed us all and taken over the planet?
Decades ago, a small intelligence unit noticed the alarming problem and set out to stop it by forming the Worldwide Wrestling Federation as a front for destroying chairs one by one.
But recently, the chairs started to catch on, resulting in the biggest chair massacre the world has ever seen.
Yet somehow, even now, we all go about our daily lives, sitting in numerous different chairs, blissfully unaware that we may never get up again. I had no idea myself until I saw the data in the CDC Wonder database. Deaths from falling out of chairs are on the rise:
What could possibly explain this alarming increase in fatalities? Maybe chairs are just more cheaply made, or maybe we have a larger population of older people then ever before who are more likely to suffer serious injury from falling off a chair.
Or maybe, just maybe, sentient chairs are bent on our destruction. Is that a chance you’re willing to take?
Paid for by the Beanbag Alliance of America.