Welcome Back to Reality, Katie Holmes!
OK well not “reality” so much, because you are probably a millionaire (you’ve got Batman money!), but welcome back to a world in which it’s totally okay for you to Google the word “Xenu.” It can’t have been easy to live and be married to a Scientologist for five long years, and it can’t be easy to finally admit that that’s just not working out for you, especially when you have an adorable little kid you have to share with the Scientologist, but it’s okay! We’re here for you. Here’s a handy guide to being an ex-Scientologist:
You can Google anything you want!
Like “Xenu,” for example! Xenu is the secret twist ending of the grand Scientology science fiction movie, and it’s an ending they hate for anyone to know about before they’ve spent a good 10 years and thousands of dollars proving their gullibility to the Church. But now that you’re out, you can read all about him! Here’s a handy video about it courtesy of the BBC:
You can read the horror stories told by other ex-Scientologists!
The Church tries their best to stop adherents from learning about how L. Ron Hubbard was maybe physically abusive, how Scientologists ripped families apart, how Scientologists tried to have critics imprisoned in psychiatric facilities, and other juicy tales of woe. No more worrying about Tom reading over your shoulder!
You can go back to your therapist!
Scientologists hate psychiatry and spin some terrifying stories in order to stop people from getting the help they need for their mental health. Now you and your family can enjoy the very best mental health care available in the United States without worrying about a Scientology operative hiding in the bushes threatening to accuse you of pedophilia if you take Suri to a therapist or something. Enjoy!
You can donate money to organizations that actually help people!
You know, instead of a bunch of deluded dumbasses who go somewhere with no supplies (apparently in follow-up attempts they brought their own supplies, but still. Lots of secular charities need your help!).
You can yell during future childbirth!
No more “silent birthing” for you! Feel free to scream your head off without worrying about it fucking up your baby for life. Because it won’t! That’s definitely a stupid made-up Scientology story.
You can admit that it’s all super messed up!
When you finally learn what Scientology is all about, you can turn to your friend and say, “Wow, that is all super messed up!” without worrying about Scientologists attacking you in your own home. Awesome!
You can trade some ridiculous gossip with Nicole Kidman!
You know she knows some shit, Katie. You know she does.