Afternoon Inquisition

AI: For the love of god please help me

I’m violently ill today.

I could have asked someone to cover my AI, but I didn’t… because I need you.

I need you to cure me. Because you can do this. You probably have positive energy or psychic healing powers or special crystals you can rub… or at least a magic chalice you can fill with fermented “remedy” that you can drink on my behalf. I don’t even care. I just want to stop barfing. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!

So, Skepchick community, what are you doing to heal me? What is your magic cure? Am I going to die (not like eventually, like right now)? What is your secret magical solution to my puke problems? HELP ME!

 

Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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53 Comments

  1. Lots of people seem to be sick lately with various stomach ailments. It’s hard to find a common cause when one of my friends thinks she ate something dicey at a seafood restaurant a couple of days ago and another friend destroyed his kidneys participating in an experimental therapy for multiple myeloma. Other friends just have a typical unidentified stomach “flu” (which, what ever it really is, is definitely not influenza.)

    The CAM people are into single cures for everything. Might I recommend the Turing Test, but substitute English Breakfast Tea for the English gin?

  2. Sip an electrolyte drink and water, very slowly. An ounce every couple of minutes is not too slow. See your physician if you can’t keep that down. Phenergan (in suppository form; prescription) is effective for vomiting. Suppositories aren’t fun but unlike many oral meds they stay in place long enough to do their job.

  3. Eat cloves of raw garlic, actually chew them up. I can’t be positive but I’m fairly certain that it doesn’t do anything other than appeal to the notion that if it hurts it must be helping. Of course you could just do as the prfesser recommended above.

  4. I’d suggest regression to the mean, because if you’re really ill now, chances are you won’t be quite so horribly pukey tomorrow. I guess it doesn’t sound like much, but at least it’s pretty much guaranteed to work.

  5. If I know that I am going to puke in an on-going fashion, I try to pound cold water. Sometimes it comes right back up. After a couple of iterations, there is something very odd about puking up still cold water. I’m not a dr and I’m not advocating this behavior. But there are worse things to puke up than cold water.

    My other go to for witch doctoring is sautéed onions with soy sauce and butter.

    I hope it passes soon.

  6. Ondansetron nausea medication is great stuff and I know it is one of the few meds docs will call in over the phone for most patients. (I mean who wants to really clean up puke from our waiting room / bathroom.)

    Another cool thing to do is eat any foods you have had an unhealthy craving for in the past (oreos? cheetos?) since after you puke them once or twice you won’t want them again… sometimes for years.

  7. sips of gatorade. and a trip to the hospital if you really can’t keep anything down. I got a norovirus several years ago and it was the most sick I’ve ever been. Retching even though there was nothing in my stomach to the point that the capillaries in my eyes burst. Eventually went to the hospital where they stuck me in the butt with something that kept me from puking for a few hours until I got through the worst of it. The gatorade was only helpful after I had the shot though.

    1. Jesus people?
      I thought we all were atheists here! :D
      You really ARE ill!

      Have you tried Fiber One?
      Have 2 cups worth of the original flavor.

      That way, instead of barfing, it comes out of the other end. :)

      I’m also trying to use telepathy and sub-wave communication methods to call you The Doctor.
      For some reason, it doesn’t seem to be working. I think I need to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

  8. A Maxilon injection will stop nausea dead in its tracks. Call yr GP.

    @here_fishy: Norovirus is the pits, tho somehow I escaped the nausea and got only the diarrhea.

    I made sure I took my poo sample to a rival lab on the off chance I might take out some of the opposition – that virus is super infectious. Didn’t work tho.

  9. Kimchee. Throwing up kimchee is worse than death. No matter how bad you feel from chemo or flu or whatever causes this, you will have a benchmark experience that in the future you can draw on.

    You have my pity in bundles. I hate puking.

  10. Magnets.

    No, it’s not what you think. I’ll do an astral voyage to Switzerland and pray at the very middle of CERN’s particle accelerator while they are running an experiment. That’s bound to amplify the effect.

  11. I dunno, TV, cartoons, and searching google for images of bunnies with pancakes on their heads. Always makes me feel better. :) Or you could watch a truly awful movie that would normally make you ill and have it cancel out your current illness.

  12. I will imagine doing what I actually (really, truly) used to do… take a shamanic journey to the lower world on behalf of the afflicted and consult my totem animals, then bring back a cure — or at least dance around the afflicted shaking my rattle and singing my “power” song.

    I used to put on quite a show, I even fooled myself for 10 years.

    Imagine, imagine, imagine…

    Feeling any better yet?

    No? Imagine that.

  13. 1. balance on your left foot
    2. rub the tip of your nose with your right pinky finger (if you don’t have a pinky finger you are now SOL)
    3. Toss dried basil over your right shoulder with your left hand
    4. Rotate your head counterclockwise
    5. Chant “I believe in the power of bizarre rituals” 9.5 times
    6. Repeat the chant in latin
    7. Puking ends, you can now put down your right foot and stop balancing.

    Why would this not work, really. How couldn’t it? It’s a NUMBERED LIST of actions, it has to work. Numbered lists are “ofichul”.

    If you are too pukey to follow the list, make your minions go through it on your behalf.

  14. Illness of the stomach or your third chakra are due to emotional issues, personal feelings …fear, tenseness, hostility, rage. Ask yourself what issues are you not dealing with so much so that you wish to purge yourself? What emotions have you been bottling up that has caused you severe issues with your stomach. The stomach represents digestion. What new ideas or pending change are you having difficulty accepting?

    Father’s Day has recently passed. Perhaps you have unresolved issues with you father that need to be attended to.

    To ease your pain, relax your body in a comfortable position listening to calming music visualizing the color gold or yellow. Breath deeply and exhale. Imagine golden divine honey flowing into your crown chakra. As it enters into your being, know that it brings healing light energy as it touches each and every part of your body. Imagine the golden honey traveling down through your head and over your face, through your throat and chest, down your arms through your heart charka to your chest and stomach. As you visualize this divine healing light touching and healing your body, affirm ten times “I am willing to change and accept new ideas. I release and relax, knowing I am in alignment with divine guidance.” Relax into the meditation. When you are ready to return to this world, begin wiggling your fingers and toes, arms and legs slowly. Breath more deeply and and great your new consciousness.

    Namaste.

  15. I recommend half a cup of Noxzema.

    Because your digestive system is technically outside your body (we are essentially living doughnuts) and your skin is outside your body, the cleansing power of Noxzema should rid you of whatever is bothering your obviously dirty digestive system.

    Hey it works great on inflamed sunburned skin, why not on inflamed guts?

  16. Clearly, this calls for homeopathy. Find a picture of something nauseatingly cute. Puppies, kittens, butterflies and unicorns and rainbows – whatever works for you. Remember, nauseating is the key. If it’s on the internet, print it out; otherwise, rip it out of whatever magazine or book it’s in.

    Crumple the picture up and put it in a glass of water to soak. Give it an hour or so, and then take a teaspoon full of the ‘cute water’ and stir it into a fresh glass of plain water. Take a teaspoon full of that water, and stir it into a new glass of plain water. Take a drop or two of the diluted, ‘super-strong cute water’ whenever you feel like throwing up.

    You probably won’t feel anything when you take a dose of ‘super-strong cute water’. That’s how you know it’s working.

    (For serious, during my worst-ever attack of nausea/vomiting, I couldn’t keep anything down – water, soda, flat soda, flat soda diluted with water – nothing. I ended up taking nothing by mouth for several hours, and when I tried after that I was able to keep stuff down, bit by bit. I know you’ve got other stuff going on, though, so I’d have to recommend asking your doctor and following their advice. But you asked for BAD advice, and homeopathy seemed like just the cure.)

    Hope you feel better soon.

  17. I have it on good authority that your ails will be cured by sucussing one molecule of duck liver one hundred times over, and ingesting the resultant solution. Your symptoms should clear up in 3-5 days.

  18. It is clear that your body is telling you that your aura is clogged and in need of a good Aura Cleansing.
    Don’t go the wishy washy aroma therapy way. Get a proper Aura Cleansing Spray.
    After cleansing, use a Aura Restore Spray to align the Bai-Hui point and the inner chamber of the heart chakra, and the crown & heart chakras, to speed up real healing.

  19. You need that book called The Secret. It’s a full 20 pages, but don’t be intimidated. The message is profound: just say things will be okay and they will. I know, I had to go back to grad school just to understand the technical terms.

  20. GOOD NEWS! All of your energies and wishes helped me!

    I went to the hospital yesterday and it turned out my esophagus closed and the doctor opened it back up with balloons.

    WHICH I CREDIT TO ALL OF YOU AND YOUR PRAYERS! THANKS EVERYONE!

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