r/MensRights Hate Group Tro-lo-lo-lo-lled

r/MensRights Hate Group Tro-lo-lo-lo-lled

For the past week, I’ve been following a story that has appeared on Manboobz and Jezebel about a jaw-dropping thread in Reddit’s Men’s Rights subreddit (which was recently designated a hate site by the Southern Poverty Law Center). The thread was posted on April 1 and was obviously shitthatneverhappened.txt: a man was asking for help because a woman he had sex with grabbed the used condom and ran for the door screaming about how she was going to impregnate herself with his baby. The man in the story tried to stop her, even going so far as to punch her hard enough in the stomach to bruise, but she got away and threatened to call the cops on him. What shall he do, r/mensrights?

To you, me, and every non-paranoid normal person on the planet, that is an obviously made-up story. Women aren’t hysterical shrews driven to birth children regardless of where the sperm comes from. We’re not Loki, planning great Rube Goldbergian machinations to enslave men into becoming hapless fathers who will pay us a grand sum each month for the rest of our lives. That obviously is not a common occurrence.

Unless you’re in the Men’s Rights Movement (MRM) hate group – then it becomes the scary story you tell one another around campfires with the flashlight positioned under your chin. “And then, in the dark of night, the evil whore slipped out of bed unseen, crawled to the bathroom, pulled the used condom out of the trash, and injected the sperm into her . . . with a turkey baster.” Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs) believe sperm-jacking to be one of the worst injustices men face. Seriously:

I normally try to stay neutral as best I can in matters relating to the men’s rights/feminism debate, but this has me grinding my teeth.

So this is what feminists think about one of our most pressing issues.

Now you can start to understand why the MRAs not only believed the story of the sperm-stealing girlfriend but vociferously defended the poor man in the story, especially to the point of excusing his violence:

There’s only two people who know you punched your girlfriend, and your girlfriend doesn’t have a lot of credibility nor does she have any proof. Any evidence that does come to light can be assumed to be self-inflicted. You’re safe.

You were about to be enslaved for 18 years… you’re NOT a bad person for protecting yourself.

Etc. If you look through that thread (FSM help you) you’ll find a handful of people calling “troll,” and many, many, many more trying to help the poor OP get away from the spermburgler and hide the fact that he punched her. No one decried the use of violence.

Well, today, the OP has finally come clean and admitted that s/he is a troll.

I wanted to reveal just how twisted these men can be in the pursuit of their agenda so I came up with a story they could not resist . . .

The spermjacker trope is irresistible to “men’s rights” activists because they believe they are perfect Darwinian examples of masculinity and as a result are irresistible to the hormonally irrational schemers that make up womankind. Narcissism and misogyny collide to make a toxic brew.

In an update, the blogger added:

The “men’s rights” activists think I’ve unfairly distorted them. Take Reddit user Pooballs for example:, who had his “skin crawling” over my post:

This sums up the “men’s rights” movement pretty succinctly. Shoddy “logic” about how much harder men are treated followed by an affirmation of violence against women:

“Plus this rabid attacking of punching a woman.. omg. We’re not all delicate perfect little flowers who will die if somebody hits us. Honestly I think if I’d witnessed, or if this type of thing happened to me, I probably would’ve punched her too.”

You lose MRAs. Your movement’s intellectual underpinnings are just a veneer to cover up your seething hatred of women. Check mate.

It’s not a nail in the coffin, sadly – the MRAs are now stumbling over themselves to declare that they weren’t really fooled and besides, spermburgling is a serious issue that needs to be addressed. They’ll take this as one more sign that there is a grand conspiracy mobilizing against them, feeding into their absurd paranoid fantasies. But at least the rest of us have something to chuckle about before going back to being super depressed that these people actually believe this shit.

Featured image jacked from Manboobz (click through for the wonderful animated version).

Avatar of Rebecca Watson
Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org and appears on the weekly Skeptics' Guide to the Universe podcast. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

147 Comments

  1. Avatar of jtradke

    We interrupt this comment thread to announce that "spermburglar" has now been added to my phone's auto-complete dictionary.
    We thank you for your attention.

  2. Avatar of Steve D

    Wow, just goes to show how easy it is to fall for stories that reinforce your delusion. This spermburglar thing is the MRA equivalent of the "guy invented a car that runs on water but the gu'ment killed him" or "NASA employee got fired for investigating UFOs" or "Big Pharma is suppressing the cure for cancer" stories.
    Also, Spermburglar? Worst McDonaldland character ever.

  3. Avatar of lamuella

    people, let's not lose sight of what this really is;
    An amazing business opportunity.
    REAL MEN – Want to protect yourself from the prospect of scheming females making off with your precious baby-making fluids so they can self-impregnate and con you out of years of child support?  Want to be truly master of your domain, and save up your potent genetic ointment for your one true love who can play skyrim and make you a sandwich at the same time?
    For maximum security of your life creating essences, look no further than THE JIZZ-CINERATOR 2000!
    The Jizz-cinerator 2000 is a miniature furnace that can be powerd from any USB socket, mains outlet, or car cigarette lighter.  simply take your used condom, place it in the JC2000, hit the big red button, and the crazy impregnazis will never ever tie you down.
    Order today and we'll throw in the JC2000 screw-on fleshlight attachment.  Next time you're watching Gundam hentai and looking to get a little romantic, simply attach the JC2000 to the base of the fleshlight, wait until the train has left the station, and hit the big red button for easy disposal (note, the JC2000's actions do not constitute cleaning, JC2000 technologies are not responsible for any disease you may contract from an unwashed fleshlight, or for any burns sustained if the JC2000 is used while the owner is inside the fleshlight).

    • Avatar of ansuzmannaz

      Cool idea. Unfortunately, I think you're making this more complicated than it has to be. If MRA's really want to prevent spermburglary with 100% accuracy, there's a simple, natural, organic, time-honored way of doing so: they can cut their balls off.
      No sperm, no theft, no problem! Everyone Wins!

  4. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    Three comments in and I'm already lolling. This bodes well for this thread.

    • Avatar of Veronica

      Well, I laughed at the mental image of the MRA-camp and them sitting around the campfire telling scary stories about hysterical women stealing their flow… pollen. What an image!

    • Avatar of Pseudonym

      I'm going to bring the tone down by being serious for a moment.
      There <i>are</i> a number of serious issues which men face disproportionately compared to women. Some of them are bloody serious, like the fact that men from your country are disproportionately harmed when your country decides to send soldiers overseas.  (Wherever "your country" is, of course. Not saying that women aren't also killed, injured or suffer from PTSD in wartime, merely that <a href="http://www.fas.org/sgp/crs/natsec/RS22452.pdf">men are disproportionally represented</a>. I also don't wish to understate the suffering of civilians in a war zone.) Or the phenomenon of rape in custody, which also disproportionately affects men. Men are far more likely to be the victim of an assult committed by a stranger than women are. Men are disproportionately more likely to have a false confession extracted from them. And so on.
      My point is this: If you're going to champion "Men's Rights", why aren't you taking an interest in the multitude of <i>actual</i> serious issues that face men? There are plenty of <i>real</i> injustices in the world facing men. <i>You don't have to make shit up.</i>
      OK, I'm done. You can resume the mockery now.

      • Avatar of Pseudonym

        Erm… I should have checked the formatting there before posting. Sorry.

      • Avatar of ginmar

        Oh, give me a fuckin' break, pal.  Your argument is bullshit on its face, but let me count the ways it sucks in other ways:
        1. Men have made combat a necessity in obtaining promotions. 
        2.  Men have denied combat arms to women. 
        3. Men have set the standards based on men, so women are restricted from jobs which would otherwise be a fast track to promotion. 
        4. Because of this,  men dominate the fields in which one is most likely to advance. 
        5.  In some of the services, women are RESTRICTED BY LAW TO FORM NO MORE OF THE FORCE THAN A CERTAIN PERCENTAGE.  This is a policy set by MEN.  
        6. Men are not raped more in custody than women are in general or whatever the hell the latest MRA bullshit claim is.  Men commit more violent acts than women do, which results in more men in prision than women, after facing a male-dominated legal and judiciary system which has looked leniently on men who commit crimes against women.  
        7.  BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MEN OMG OMG OMG ? 
        8. Even though they set the situation—military service—-to their advantage, and design it so women are excluded—–they then have the gall to whine when it turns out it's not as great as they imagined. 
        9. The hierarchy in the military is male-dominated and rape and sexual assault is common. One case of gang rape in the Air Force wound up with the victim being convicted and the rapists offered immunity to testify against her.  Shockingly enough, very few rape complaints in the military result in actual punishment for the rapists. It's often the victim who's drummed out.  
        10. I served in the US military for twenty years, I was in combat, and I got the same medals as some REMF assholes who spent the whole tour behind the wire, folding cots and trying to find porn on the Internet.  
        If men want to set up situations where they get all the advantages and women get screwed, at the very least they should have the grace not to whine about it.  They created this problem; how come one never hears about this anywhere but FEMINIST boards,  when the dudes start to get nervous about how teh wimmens are talking too much about themselves?  

        • Avatar of Pseudonym

          Just to be clear, all I'm doing here is having ago at this so-called "Men's Rights Movement" by thinking about what a legitimate "men's rights" movement would look like. I am not proposing that there is an urgent and pressing need to go out and start one. All I'm saying is that if you do start one, you could at least deal with real issues rather than fake ones.
          Here are two things which I didn't say, because they didn't seem relevant to the point I was trying to make, but since the question has been brought up, I should add them for clarification.
          1. Any legitimate "men's rights" movement should not minimise pressing and urgent issues of women's rights. Women do not have it easier, especially in the less-developed world.
          2. Any legitimate "men's rights" movement should recognise that almost all of the subset of oppression and victimisation which is disproportionately inflicted upon men is perpetrated by other men. You correctly pointed this out, and I hope I didn't give the impression that I believed otherwise.
          That last point is important, because in a sense, these are issues rooted in power rather gender. But then, that's true of most oppression of women, too.
          By the way, I don't live in the US and never have. I certainly don't claim to be an expert on the US military experience specifically. In fact, the US military probably has it better than some other countries in some respects, such as those with a draft.

          • Avatar of ginmar

             Yeah, you're missing one major thing.  Exactly what rights are men deprived of? It's ridiculous.  

          • Avatar of punchdrunk

            Your second point answers the question of why they don't focus on those issues. They want to degrade and vilify women. They don't want to talk about the cult of masculinity and how to change it. That would require admitting that the culture rewards and embraces masculinity while denigrating and punishing femininity. They believe the opposite. They believe that women are the oppressing class and men are the victims of female supremacy.

          • Avatar of ginmar

            A funny thing happens when you have a supposed Mens' Rights Group——where bashing women and feminists is not allowed. "Seriously But What About the Men" actually has topics where they allow feminist bashing because otherwise, guys just don't comment.  There's communities for discussing mens' issues—–but they die on the vine,  if blaming all mens' problems on women aren't allowed. 

          • Avatar of dr. dr. professor

            Well look at the title "Men's Rights" saying that men are somehow deprived of rights others have.  And any Men's Rights group always villifies women.
             
            Men DO have issues (single fatherhood, maybe a very narrow set of career issues and I guess other things) but there definitely are support groups for these type of things that actually address the issue at hand without some stupid statement that men somehow are being oppressed and villifying women.
             
            In short, I think the limited range of stuff men experience actually does have a support network in society, so not sure why we need a Men's Rights movement.

          • Avatar of eean

            There are of course legitimate issues facing men. For instance Japanese custody laws amount to legalized kidnapping and its usally the man who loses out.
            But the solution isn't to create a new 'men's rights' movement, but to fold these concerns more explictly into feminism. Many of the legitmate issues brought up the 'men's rights' folks would fit right in. Like you brought up prison-rape, obviously this is a feminist issue.

        • Avatar of Pseudonym

          Like others who have responded, I agree with you that a "men's rights" group strictly speaking makes no sense, in that there is practically nowhere in the world where men don't have a useful right which women do not. (I don't know about Japanese custody laws enough to comment, hence the "practically" proviso.) So yes, this is one of several reasons why I don't like the phrase "men's rights".
          But here's the thing. The laws and institutions that we have were set up by powerful men. Powerful men don't just make laws which promote the interests of men to the exclusion of women. They make laws which promote the interests of powerful men to the exclusion of everyone else, and the more like a powerful man you are, the better your deal. If you're a powerful man, you have a good deal. If you're a powerful woman, you have a slightly worse deal. If you're a non-powerful man, you get an even worse deal. If you're a non-powerful woman, you get the worst deal of all.

        • Avatar of doctressjulia

          ginmar, have a said lately that I love you?

  5. Avatar of dr. dr. professor

    Well shit, spermburglar ain't got nothing on my female oppressor. 
     
    One time I had a female boss, and for the year I worked there, she was always telling me what to do and shit.  I didn't see how that was okay…
     
    Don't listen to these femimeaniepoopooheads, we got to stick together bros.  Stay strong!

    *BROFIST!!*

  6. Avatar of Anne S

    I'm really tickled by that "you were about to be enslaved for 18 years" comment, since two other big MR issues are child custody and their lack of legal right to stop women from aborting fetuses to which they contributed genetic material. Do you want the kids or not?

  7. Avatar of Madfishmonger

    And lo, we tread upon the dangerous waters of Crazy, at the edges of the Internet where the seas boil and churn with the fitful rage of the Unknowing, those poor, damaged souls subsiding solely on hatred and bile. The Unknowing are some of the most dangerous beasts to be found on the Internet, for when they attack they do so relentlessly, without heed for their own lives or of those around them. They will suffer not any intrusion or attempt at logic or reasoning: the Unknowing form tight clans untouched by the outside world. Even any of their own Unknowing who dare to deviate are attacked and cannibalized. The slightest deviations are punished. Your only hope when encountering the Unknowing (for they always travel in packs, if you have spotted one, there are more soon to come), is to pit them against one another. Keep them occupied with cannibalism and you may escape. However, you must be warned: few escape the Unknowing unscathed.
    Should you wish to journey to the land of Unknowing for the sake of Science, do so with great caution and ensure your armour is strong and well-fitted as they will seek the smallest of cracks to wound you. Should you wish to travel for the sake of Curiosity, I must sincerely caution you against it. Many an innocent traveller has been wounded or destroyed by these unconscionable beasts, and at worst they have been converted; turned into one of these hideous creatures to swell the ranks. Should you seek the Unknowing for the sake of Salvation: turn back. It cannot be done. While they writhe in the seas, no Unknowing can be changed. Merely position your Salvation as a beacon on the shore, and await those brave souls strong enough to sneak away from the clans, for while among the Unknowing, they are trapped.
    Heed these words, and tread carefully in the land of the Troll, the Commenters, the dark forests of Conspiracy. No sane person should cross the mountains to the country of Hate.
     
    -MadFish's Guide to the Internet, chapter 4

    • Avatar of marilove

      Wonderful :)

      The problem, though, is that I've known people like this in real life.  Most aren't quite as … vocal in real life, but you know if you saw their posts on Reddit (and you KNOW they post on Reddit), this is the kind of shit you'd be reading.  I can think of two guys (boyfriends of girl friends, of course) who think like this. UGH.

      • Avatar of Madfishmonger

        Yeah a lot of those kinds of people keep it in, until something gives them an opportuniry to vent it. IRL, sometimes it's a few drinks to loosen the tongue, or someone else says something horrible first.
        The good thing is, in real life, you can actually smack them instead of that frustrating urge to reach through the screen and do it.

    • Avatar of Buzz Parsec

      To put this in terms most of the reader hears can best understand, IIUC,  the Unkowning combine the worst features of the Borg (who are at least rational and logical) and the Reevers (who at least can be killed by flushing them out an airlock)?
       

  8. Avatar of Skeptinerd

    So is the general stance over here that this absolutely never happens? Or, that anyone who believes it is crazy? I should say up front that I am not affiliated with /mensrights, or any movement like it. This is the first I've heard of it. But, I have personally witnessed an attempted "spermburglaring". Thank the FSM it resulted in nothing more than a month of fear and depression. I wouldn't pretend to know how often that kind of thing occurs, maybe it's like being struck by lightning. Either way, it has happened, and this post/thread appears to be more about how dumb /mensrights are for believing it instead of how violent they appear to be towards women. 

    • Avatar of dr. dr. professor

      That's why I've started the support and activism organization for victims of spermburglaring, your can learn more about what we do here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48rz8udZBmQ, because you're right, it happens and these feminists turn a blind eye towards it and the lives it has stolen.

    • Avatar of Rebecca Watson

      Actually, this post and thread are mocking r/MensRights for being super stupid AND for excusing violence against women. Did you even read the sperm-burgler post?

      And surely you don't think that because it happened to you (or a friend? A friend of a cousin's boyfriend?) that this ranks as one of the most pressing issues concerning men today.

      • Avatar of Skeptinerd

        I read it, and agree with it. I'm not trolling here, it was a genuine question. I don't believe that spermburlaring is a problem. My only question was with the appearant tone that it is impossible it ever happens at all. 

        • Avatar of karenx

          It has happened five times. There was a disputed sixth occurrence, but the court ruled that since the woman had bought the condoms and that the man had put the sperm inside it willingly, it was not spermburgled.

      • Avatar of Buzz Parsec

        Can I actually post a serious comment/question* here, or would that be thread-jacking?
         
        I think lots of people's brains are single-threaded.  They just can't grasp the concept that something is a floor wax and a dessert topping.  I've seen it written somewhere (maybe by Richard Wiseman, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now), that if you assert one really good reason why something is or isn't true, you are more likely to convince people than if you assert several equally good reasons for the same thing.  This is why creationists are always demanding a single fossil that proves evolution.  (Of course, when you point to Tiktaalik, they just say "two gaps", or mumble something about kinds.)
         
        [*] Sorry, Liz, if you're reading, I guess this isn't a question.  We need to get your "What is a question" rant (long version) up on You-Tube someday.
         

    • Avatar of Elyse

      I totes believe you, yo.

    • Avatar of marilove

      Of course you witnessed a spermburgling attempt!  <i>Of course!</i>  Surely there wasn't more to the story probably told to you by some angry dude bro of yours.  Or by "witness" do you mean you were actually there as the woman grabbed the condom, and ran screeming from the room?  Because I seriously fucking doubt that.

      • Avatar of dr. dr. professor

        You wouldn't understand.  Here at ASSHATT, we have witnessed hundreds of men who have had women steal their sperm during protected sex and then ruined their lives with child support claims later.
         
        I'm betting in the case mentioned here, the woman probably seduced him and before he even had time to think about proper protection, she was already busy burgling.  It happens all the time, and I don't know why society thinks it's okay to keep taking the side of these professional criminals that they call "single mothers".  This unverified anecdote by this nameless poster is proof enough of overbearing female privelege.
         
        All of us ASSHATTS will fight against this blind female privelege here and restore the balance of sexual consequences back to the underpriveleged bros. 

      • Avatar of Skeptinerd

         
        It wasn't a misunderstanding from some “angry dude bro” of mine. This woman removed a condom from the trash and attempted to insert its contents into herself. When she was confronted about the missing condom she admitted to having done this. Now, all of this is really beside the point. The only thing I was questioning here was the apparent assertion that, in this respect, women are infallible and would never do such a thing. I think making this assertion detracts from an otherwise sound argument. I want to reiterate, I don't think this is a “pressing issue facing men”. The only reason I brought this up was a concern for the methodology of the argument being made here. Yes, it is crazy that a group of men who call themselves “Men's Rights Activists” think this is some sort of pandemic and are raising a fuss about it. It's even crazier that the MRAs make the claim that the possibility of sperm-burglary justifies their hatred of women and gives them the right to assault women. If I am missing some offense I have made that warrants these sardonic responses then I genuinely apologize. I was just trying to participate.  

        • Avatar of marilove

           
          LOL, seriously?  SERIOUSLY?
           
           
           
          Yep.  Even if I believed you, do you honestly believe that her chances of becoming pregnant in that situation is likely?!  More than likely she'd smear it all over her crotch and then the next time she peed, she would have wiped it off.  I'd also like to know the other circumstances surrounding this so-called sperm burglaring.
           
           
          "All this is beside the point."  Except no, it is not, since you brought it up.  It is up to you to prove your outlandish claims.  It is not "beside the point" to prove your outlandish claims.
           
           
           
          Secondly, come on.  This shit is not common, and the post was clearly mocking the completely outragious situation.  It even turned out to be a troll!  This did not happen.  And that was the point.  The point was the onslaught of misogyny.
           
          But you conveniently blasted past the entire point of this post, which was the blatant misogony, and had to come waltz in here with, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?  OMG!  The poor men!  And look!  Crazy women do exist!  I know because of heresay! Women are crazy and trying to trick poor men into having their baby by smearing sperm all over their vajajay because that will tooootally get them pregnant instead of just coming off the next time they wipe after a piss.  And I must ignore the point of this post to come in here with my heresay and anectodes so that I can prove that crazy women do exist and there are tons of poor men out there getting dubed by crazy sperm burglars!!!"
           
           
          Let me guess:  Assuming your story is true, she is not pregnant, is she?  Why, I never!

          • Avatar of Skeptinerd

             
            Please understand that I agree with you. I think I made it clear that I understand the point of the argument to be that claims of sperm-burglary do not justify hatred and violence against women. My only issue is that taking the stance that it is impossible that women would try this will weaken the argument.
            No, the girl didn't get pregnant. I don't imagine this working, and I don't think it's a problem. Perhaps I could have avoided this by not bringing up an allegory about how it has happened, I would retract that portion of my statement if I could, despite its authenticity. But I would not retract that denying it's possibility might become ammunition for MRAs.
             
            This argument shouldn't be about whether or not it happened, but claiming that it's impossible that it happened makes the argument about that instead of putting the focus on the insanity of a group of men claiming to be victims and claiming the right to use violence against women. That is the only point I am trying to make.

          • Avatar of jtradke

            @Skeptinerd: "claiming that it's impossible that it happened"
            No one has done that. Here, I'll be explicit: during the course of Earth's history, more likely than not at least one adult human female (probably with some unfortunate mental health issues) has tried get pregnant from a recently-used condom. Are you happy now? Do we now have your permission to ridicule the ridiculous?

          • Avatar of marilove

             
            "You agree with me"?  With what, exactly? I never said it was impossible, did I?  Nope.  You seem to think you're arguing with me about the fact that maybe some random sperm burglaring whore decided to wipe a used condom on her crotch when she was probably really angry and in a heated situation with what I am guessing probably was not some sort of angel of a partner.  Oh, and the whore never even got pregnant so apparently her evil plan to steal sperm failed.  They all got away!  How surprising! 
            The fact is, I just don't give a shit about your anectodal hersay.  I really, really don't.  Seriously, what was the point of bringing it up in the first place except to try and prove that OMG WOMEN ARE EVIL!  Tryign to steal sperm!  I know because someone told me!  I am ignoring the actual point of this post because I must *insist* — I MUST INSIST! — that crazy sperm burglaring whores exist due to my learnings via hearsay.  
            By bringing this hearsay up, you are basically saying hey, these men are overreacting for a reason!  'Cuz these evil whores totally exist!
             
            Stop hijacking the thread.  I don't care if you think crazy sperm-burglaring whores exist.  THAT WAS NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST.
             

          • Avatar of marilove

             
             
            And seriously, WHY did you bring it up?  It's not like she had even a remote chance of becoming pregnant, and I guarantee you she knew that, as did her partner.  Oh, so you mean they were having some sort of fight and someone overreacted and smeared sperm all over her cooch and then said "NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE A DADDY!  Bam!  I'm pregnant!"  …. but then somehow … amazingly … did not become pregnant?

            Okay.  Cool story, bro.
             
            This still does not seem like OMG! Sperm theft!  And it's not like we have some sort of epidemic of women rubbing semen all over their crotch and then getting pregnant.  This is a fucking ridiculous situation, and even if she did smear semen all over her crotch, the chances of her actually getting pregnant because of that are slim.  This is not a big deal.  This is not really a real problem.  Men are not becoming fathers because women are smearing semen all over their crotches. It's certainly not something to punch someone in the gut over.  Nor is it a reason to and say other horrifically misogynist crap.  AND THAT was part of the point of this damn post, which you clearly completely missed.
             
            The fact is that you, some random dude, came waltzing in, only a few comments in, because you HAD to prove to us that – hey!  Omg!  WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ???  Some women are evil whores and they would seriously try to get pregnant by smearing semen all over their vajayjay and even though she didn’t get pregnant because of it, it is seriously a big deal and we must!! talk about this, because it’s far far far more important than the blatant and disgusting misogyny presented, because omg evil whorish sneaky women want to impregnate themselves behind their partners’ backs, and my anecdotal hearsay totally proves it!  WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?!

          • Avatar of Skeptinerd

             
            I think I've already said everything I can to try to convince you that I am in agreement with the argument made by the article, and that I was only asking a question in relation to the methodology of the argument. I don't want to try to reiterate anything I said earlier, because having to treat “spermburglar” so seriously, rather than having a laugh at it, is depressing the hell out of me.
            It's clear you've set your sights on disliking me, your wild assumptions about my personal story, and then easy dismissal of it, being an example. A story, by the way, that I haven't bothered to follow up on because I would be the first to admit that allegory is worth shit and that I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.
            As to your methodology, I wonder, do you think that sardonic remarks, extreme cynicism, and seething rage are an appropriate method of convincing someone of your side of an argument. I mean, even if your assessment of me being a misogynist were true, do you think it would win me over to be such a screaming bully about it?  

          • Avatar of marilove

             
            Ah yes, the tone argument!  First, you were of course just talking about the "methodology".  Mocking a clearly fake story that was clearly utilizing misogyny to makes it point (and actually did indeed to turn out to be a huge troll-fuck)?  You found that so terrible!  I mean, what about the men!  Tsk tsk you feminists you, for mocking misogynistic idiots who fell for an epic (and obvious) trolling!
             
            You do realize they fell for it *because they think this shit happens all the time* right?  You are not helping at all.  You’re just reinforcing that notion. “But I swear! This shit happens!  Just listen to my anecdotal evidence!  But I’m not defending them, I swear!  I’m just questioning your methods!”
             
            And now you're pulling the tone argument.  Oh dear, I am annoyed at some man hijacking a thread about misogyny!  How terrible!  I am so, so sorry, kind sir, for getting angry at yet another man coming in here only to ignore the entire point of the fucking post just to tell us some half-baked, hyperbolic story about some woman you know that wiped her crotch with semen and clearly that means she was seriously trying to pull the wool over the guy who willingly put his penis in her a moment before.  I am sorry, sir.  I just witness this so often.  I just can’t help myself!  I am so emotional.  Hysterical, even!  Oh, won’t you please forgive me?!
             
            I wasn't trying to convince you of anything.  Clearly you are far more concerned about the poor, poor misogynistic men that were successfully trolled and then were RIGHTFULLY being mocked because of their highly troubling responses, than you are the actual point of this article.
             

        • Avatar of Elyse

          So… when you said you "personally witnessed" and that it wasn't a crazy story you heard from your bro, you meant that you didn't actually witness it but you heard it from your friend so you know it's true?
           
          Thank you for sharing your totally true story. You should hear the one I have about my friend's roommate's cousin who got her kidneys stolen in Amersterdam…. but I don't want to kidneyjack this thread.

          • Avatar of marilove

            Wait, wait, do you mean to tell me that "personally witnessed" means that you must have BEEN there, watching it, as it went down?  Oh.  I thought "personally witnessed" was just another term for "second-hand heresay".

        • Avatar of Nick Nergüi

          Yes, I often sift through my own trash to make sure all my used condoms are still there and their contents remain untouched. I would hate to imagine such a sacred part of me inside the body of a woman.
          For someone with "skeptic" in their name, you sure aren't thinking this through very well.

        • Avatar of lisavilisa

          Thanks for the clarification. I can see how reading the post as stating that the spermburglerer was implausible could raise some skeptical flags, but yeah, the article was on how the commenters reacted with such paranoid glee to this scenario and defended it even after it was revealed as an april fool's joke.

        • Avatar of lisavilisa

          Skeptinerd misread the post, he admitted he did so. His misreading caused him to ask a question that was irrelevant. He also said that including the anecdote was something he wishes he'd never done. He's not defending it, and he's stated numerous times that he agrees that the men's rights group is hogwash. I think we can stop blasting him.

          • Avatar of maggie

            I'm with Lisa. This guy is not the enemy. Treating him like it for having misread/misinterpreted that point in the article and asking what he thought was a valid question is just going to make him FEEL like the enemy. And that benefits no one.
            If someone asked us how rational skeptics would handle such an incident, we'd all proudly say that explaining where he went wrong without belittling him would be the thing to do.
            So… let's do that instead.

          • Avatar of marilove

             
             
            He "misread the post"?  Are you kidding me?  He didn't even say he misread the post.  He said he was questioning our methodology.  That's not the same thing as "misreading".  He just wanted to make sure that we made sure to remember that there are evil whores at there trying to pull the wool over poor, poor men, because!  Because he witnessed a spurm-barlgaring!  Except.  oh, wait.  He wasn't even there!  He didn't actually witness anything.  I should believe him?  Really?
             
            I’m tired of dudes coming in trying to convince us of how terribly bad the poor men have it.  Seriously.  It was off-topic.  He cared far more about the poor misogynistic men that were being mocked than he did about the actual post, which was about the misogyny.   It’s bullshit.  He just wanted to prove to us that evil whores do in fact exist and we must NOT forget that!!!

          • Avatar of Skeptinerd

             
            @lisavilisa and @maggie, thank you.
             
            @marilove, Wow, you are a paranoid, rage machine. It's clear you're not to be reasoned with, you win, you've shouted me into submission. I just just hope it's obvious to everyone else that I never expressed the sentiments you seem so hell-bent on pinning on me.

        • Avatar of ginmar

          Haha! Sure! Yeah, I bet.  Aside from all the impossibilities in this little anecdote ,  why do you go around checking for your used condoms?  Afraid they're going to wander off on their own? 

    • Avatar of Amanda Marcotte

      I fully believe that at least 75% of pregnancies are caused by women rooting through the trash for used condoms, and—instead of inserting the semen directly whilst in the bathroom peeing—run out of the bathroom while singing in their best imitation of the Joker how they're so preggers now, sucka! Because certainly there's no reason to think that women who really want free sperm would meet against anything but resistance. Men, as a group, are known to be far stingier with their sperm than Scrooge with Christmas bonuses. They never offer to give it away to women they just met in bars, much less to women they've been dating awhile. 

  9. Avatar of emmastaf

    How do MRAs feel about vasectomies? They are safe, easy, and reversible. Shoot blanks when you don't want to be enslaved, then shoot realsies when you're ready to bless the earth with your progeny.

    • Avatar of lisavilisa

      Vasectomies are not always reversible. What some men do is they the procedure done after they've frozen some sperm and if they ever want to have kids they use the frozen sample.
       
      From what I've gathered a lot of men's rights are worried because the only birth control options for men are abstinence, condoms, and vasectomies. Obviously, this bothers men who aren't men's rights proponents as well. When I met my husband he was of the policy that you should not have sex with a fertile woman if you weren't comfortable with her getting pregnant.

      • Avatar of Rebecca Watson

        There is that pretty great-looking new Indian procedure that uses a simple injection to shred sperm for however long you'd like, and when you want your boys swimming again it just takes another injection of saline (I think) to break it down. It's pretty awesome and I hope it gets approved for use in the US soon.

        • Avatar of Otoki

          I am intrigued.

        • Avatar of jtradke

          You are referring, I believe, to RISUG.

        • Avatar of lisavilisa

          Indeed, he was the first person to tell me about it. There's also some ultrasound thing they are studying at UNC Chapel Hill.

        • Avatar of openeyes

          I do hope RISUG gets approved in the US. Right now it's about to start being tested in the US on rabbits, under the name Vasalgel http://www.newmalecontraception.org/risug.htm

          • Avatar of Rebecca Watson

            Am I the only one who thinks that name's a little too close to Vagisil?

          • Avatar of Otoki

            Hm.   I hope the concerns about carcinogens and kidney disease end up being moot.  It looks really awesome.

        • Avatar of Madfishmonger

          I hope it gets approved here too, my boyfriend and I don't want kids, I'm on the pill but I'd like that added protection.

        • Avatar of Louis Doench

          Now you tell me… OUCH!

        • Avatar of Kitanin

          So, are we starting a pool on how long before the MRAs turn this into "Rebecca Watson wants to shred your sperm!"? If we are, I'd like to wager 400 quatloos on "four days".

    • Avatar of dr. dr. professor

      That's a load of  crap.  Men should not have to go to the lengths of a surgical procedure to avoid having women run off with their genetic code.  I know you don't get that, because you have the privelege of never being able to be sperm-burgled, but for those of us who men choose to enjoy their sexual freedom, it's a real threat.  I mean shit, sometimes they don't even bother running off with the condom.  Many times these dirty sperm-burgling bitch-faces will have unprotected sex with men and then expect them to pay child support when they get pregnant.  Can you believe that???
       
      These horrible, unacknowlege-ded crimes is why I have started my organization "asociated society of spermburgler hunters and truth tellers" (or ASSHATT for short).  We are starting a legal fund to help embattled bros fight off child support claims from burgled condoms and unprotected sex, a lobbying fund to represent our bros on capitol hill, and spermburglarregistry.com where men can identify known sperm-snatchers.
       
      We can do it bros.  Please refer to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMyhRRwbj-U for a full explanation of our cause.

    • Avatar of Amanda Marcotte

      But that would make it impossible to have all the benefits of having kids while screeching about spermburglary in hopes of getting out of child support. (Note: This is actually not an effective strategy for men who want to have kids but don't want to any of the responsibility for raising them. The courts will laugh at you as hard as we're laughing right now.)

    • Avatar of Louis Doench

      I can't tell you what an MRA has to say about vasectomy's, but I can tell you about mine…. OUCHIE OUCH OUCH OUCH! FUCK OUCH!  Not Easy… OUCH!
      This has been a public service announcement.
      Seriously OUCH!
       

  10. Avatar of Improbable Joe

    Hey, this isn't fucking funny AT ALL! Spermjacking is a serious problem in this country and/or Germany!  It is no laughing matter. 
    … the other day, I was "spending some quality time with myself" when my wife had to work late. I had no sooner pitched my happy sock in the general direction of the laundry hamper when a black-clad hand shot out of literally nowhere and caught my happy sock in mid-air. I did what any normal man would do, which is to spray cornhusker's lotion every direction in the hopes of blinding the spermburglar and/or causing her to slip in it and fall down comically. Neither of those things happened, because the spermburglar was a… ummm… SHE-NINJA! Yeah, she-ninja in a red costume with a sword and her midriff showing like all she-ninjas in the comic books! I drew my pistol but she kicked it out of my hand, but I managed to shove her away long enough to grab my katana. We sparred for several seconds, when I heard a noise behind me. I turned to see two more she-ninjas, wearing the same outfit except in blue and yellow, just outside my window! I turned back to the one in red, and she was gone. Turned back to the window, and all three she-ninjas were outside, like it was ninja magic! I gave chase, but they got to their helicopter before I could catch up. If only I had thought to bring my tracking dart launcher, but it was simply not to be.  
     
    Men, this could happen to any of us at any time! Women, take it seriously because… wait… any one of you could be a happy sock-stealing she-ninja! Egads! 

  11. Avatar of Zhankfor

    I'm confused. What does this have to do with tree kangaroos?

  12. Avatar of Luna

    Wait…..aside from the blatant misogyny, how does this condom-stealing thing work, exactly? She's going to, what, do unthinkable things with the condom when she gets it home? Just how long do those puppies last once it's turned inside out? What are the chances of actually getting pregnant from this technique? Honestly, Men's groups, I think you can do better with your scare stories. On a serious note, the SPLC is a great org.
     
    Now I'm just waiting for McDonald's to unveil their new villan, the Spermburgler.

  13. Avatar of Improbable Joe

    All kidding aside, how hard would it be for a woman to find a (maybe drunk) guy who is willing to have sex without a condom? ,Just like with any other ridiculous conspiracy story, if it seems overly complex and there seem to be several much simpler ways to come up with the same outcome, the story is almost certainly bullshit.

    • Avatar of marilove

       
      Right?  Exactly.
       
       
       
      And, look, it might be true that rarely, some random woman might poke holes in a condom or something.  But men do that too, and I'd be willign to bet they do it more often.  People are selfish assholes.
       
       
       
      But that isn't even what was described here.  It was completely and utterly over the top and, as goes with people who are deep into a conspiricy theroy (which MRAs are), many believed it, and it appears even those who didn't fall for it still had to say, "but if it really did happen, I would have totally understood why the guy punched her in the stomach!" because of course, it always has to be said how evil and whorish women are, even when the story in question is obviously false.
       
       
       
      And then, on top of that, we already hae some Skeptic dude here defending the spermburglers because he knows someone who knows someone who totally had their sperm taken.  That's the first thing he latches on to, instead of the much, much larger picture of blatant and pretty terrible misogyny.  Isn't that nice?

      • Avatar of Skeptinerd

         
        I assume “skeptic dude” is a reference to me. I really don't know how much more clear I can be that I am not defending these MRA people. So, if nothing else I write is understood please just let it be clear that I am not defending those nutters.  

        • Avatar of marilove

          Oh, you're not?  With your heresay and anectodes and half-information about a situation that may or may not be true and in which a woman DID NOT get pregnant?  Instead of addressing the very point of this post, you had to come in here with your anecodtes and heresay to PROVE that poor, poor men are having their sperm burglarized by crazy, crazy sperm-obsessed women who attempt to smear it all over their vajayjayas and then MIRACURIOSLY! don't get pregnant?

          Could have fooled me!

        • Avatar of Amy

          Thank you for making your stance clear. I am more than a bit annoyed with how you have been treated on this thread. I think you had a valid point that was worded poorly but you made your intentions clear, and people should accept that and move on. I know that commenters on this blog often feel trolled and may have jumped to that conclusion with your comment. It is understandable but in this case appears unwarrented. 

          • Avatar of erikthebassist

            uhhh no, There was nothing about his point that was valid in the context of the OP or in the comments that followed. The OP was about a ruse that mimicked an often quoted urban myth among MRA's about spermburgalers. The whole point of that excercise was to illustrate how MRA's will accept any farfetched fabrication at face value if it supports their mysoginistic view of women as evil whores who by and large seek to destroy the lives of men. 
             
            Skeptinerd then thinks it's appropriate to point out that this has probably happened at least once so it's wrong for the commenters and OP to go on the assumption that this never happens.  Well, we can assume that at least one woman has cut off a man's penis because we all know that headline, but that doesn't mean that there's an epidemic of penis lopping or that men should be up in arms about the evil penis lopping bitches. 
             
            The point that he missed, and which makes the point that he's trying to make completely invalid, is that if it has ever happened, it happens so rarely as to not really be worth mentioning in this context. The men who think this happens often are the problem, not the women who think it happens rarely or never. 
             
            Again, Marilove, and the others who throttled this guy are not the problem, the problem is men who think that spermburgelling is a problem, and men who think it happens often because they claim to have some personal experience with it. 
             
            Skeptinerd got throttled for making an issue out of something that was not relevent or necessary, and the more he defended himself, the more he got throttled. He could have cut it off a long time ago with a simple "You're right I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking clearly, next time I will ruminate a bit more before spilling my thoughts." 
             
            He didn't do that, until much later, and your admonition those who pounced on him came long after that. He didn't get an apology and doesn't deserve one but they did lay off after he finally admitted how wrong headed he was. 
             
            I saw an assinine comment get pounced on for good reason, no mistreatment in my book. 

          • Avatar of Skeptinerd

             
            @Amy, thank you.
             
            @Erikthebassist, you're right. I think anytime someone asks a poorly worded question it is our duty as skeptics to deride the shit out of them until they go elsewhere for their answers. Thank you, for my reformation by sarcasm.
             
            “The point that he missed, and which makes the point that he's trying to make completely invalid, is that if it has ever happened, it happens so rarely as to not really be worth mentioning in this context. The men who think this happens often are the problem, not the women who think it happens rarely or never.” 
             
            I didn't miss that point, and it doesn't make my point invalid. Again, I admit my question was poorly worded, and I should have left the anecdote out of it. But, I don't think it's fair to say I should be pounced on and mocked for having asked it. I also think it was a valid question (that was answered after a good deal of bullying).
             
            Next time I will use more caution with my wording. All I should have asked was, “Are you taking the stance that is absolutely impossible that this could be attempted? Because if so it might appear like denial, which could make the argument about that instead of the foolishness of believing it is an issue, and detract from the main point of the argument (that believing in fairy tales is no excuse for misogyny and violence).
             
            Again, sorry about the fuss, but I really don't think I did anything to deserve such seething hatred and ridicule. Normally I would ignore such a thing, especially on the interenet, but it stings a bit more coming from a group of people I respect.

          • Avatar of marilove

            Seriously, no.  This is the same thing that happened when we had the post about redditers being highly disgusting toward an underage girl in r/atheist.  It's the exact same fucking thing:  "BUT BUT BUT!!!"
             
            No fucking buts.

          • Avatar of marilove

            And what erikthebassist said.

          • Avatar of Otoki

            While I think some of the posts to Skeptinerd have been pretty overboard with the snark, I agree with Erik that in the context of this thread it was not appropriate for him to bring up (which he has since admitted).  
             
            It's like anti-vaxxers using the fear of vaccine-related side-effects to justify not vaxxing.  It wouldn't really make sense to say "Well, there ARE .002% of people who suffer this side effect, so we can't tell them their fears are misplaced!" because it's about statistics in this and that case, and in both cases their fears ARE misplaced.
             
            And Skeptinerd's post assumed that any of us argued that these sperm-burgleries never happen.  No one said that.  It was simply ridiculed because it's so amazingly rare that it's not a valid fear to have.

          • Avatar of Wilson

            I agree Amy, thanks – and well said. I was responded to similarly when I first made a post wondering what was so wrong with men's rights (before I knew anything about MRA). What prompted me to post then wasn't that I thought there was an actual issue. I know that men have it good. It was that while criticisizing the MRA folks for thinking it was an issue (valid) I felt too many people jumped the line in their sarcasm to "a circumstance like that occuring would not be problematic", which bothered me. The response to Skeptinerd, who was clearly honestly trying to be rational, polite, and willing to take criticism bothers me further.

      • Avatar of Amanda Marcotte

        There's actually research when it comes to contraception sabotage, and SURPRISE, it's not sneaky women doing it to men. It's mostly abusers, who are manipulating a woman's access to contraception in order to scare/control her. It's usually not sneaky, but more like slipping the condom off, flushing pills, forcing pregnancy through rape, etc. Often these guys then push for an abortion if the woman is pregnant. It has nothing to do with babies, and is another way for a violent man to terrorize his victim. 
         
        Since abusers are well-represented in the MRA community, I imagine a lot of their fears of spermburglary are projection of their own tendencies to use contraception as a focal point of abuse and control.

        • Avatar of marilove

          Oh, honey no.  BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MEN?

        • Avatar of Improbable Joe

          Why am I completely and utterly not surprised? Maybe because while there are some sick, evil, twisted women out there who do shitty and devious things to men, they don't have a giant worldwide club where they openly discuss shitty and devious strategies? I was going "apples and oranges" but it is more like "apples and dumptrucks"… different in both degree AND kind. 

    • Avatar of Louis Doench

      That is an incrdeibally good point. Spermburglary seems like the absolute least efficient manner of getting knocked up our crazy person is likely to use.

  14. Avatar of Kammy

    I am in love with this comment thread. I love it so much I want to have its babies. Conveniently I wore my red midriff baring ninja outfit so while you were all joking around I spermburgled this thread and enslaved you all for 18 years.

    • Avatar of Elyse

      FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

    • Avatar of SteveT

      Kammy, are you trying to kill me?  I'm lying here with a chest cold and you made me laugh so hard I just about coughed up a lung!  Consider me your slave.

    • Avatar of Improbable Joe

      It. Was. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
      …can I at least get the happy sock back? My wife will notice that one's missing the next, ummm the next time… wait, no, I do all of the laundry never fucking mind. 

  15. Avatar of James Fox

    Sperm-shredding, sperm-jacking, sperm-burglars, zygote rights man!!

  16. Avatar of koren

    Spermburgling? WTF, no one can just walk into the clinc with a staine on their pants and get the doctor to impregnate them… I under stand if a few moron's took this seriously but SOMEONE must have figured out how insane this story was >.<

  17. Avatar of B Hitt

    Sooooo. . . talking plausibility: When women are undergoing artificial insemination under the care of a medical professional, it typically takes several cycles to become pregnant.  The average pregnancy rate after using standard of care, best practices intrauterine insemination for 6 menstrual cycles is around 70% according to the UpToDate medical database.  The single cycle rate for intrauterine is ~20%.  That's for a medical professional performing intrauterine insemination, which cannot be safely done at home.
    The best an alleged spermburglar could manage is a DIY approximation of intracervical insemination, which even in a clinical setting has half the pregnancy rate of intrauterine at best.  You can bet a DIY "turkey baster" method will have a fraction of the efficiency.  Even if we very liberally suppose a 5% single cycle pregnancy rate for DIY artificial insemination, that still means that for every successful man-enslaving "spermjacking," there are about 20 attempted spermjackings. 
    An MRA that earnestly believes that child-support claims from unauthorized sperm use is a serious problem must believe that the behavior of semen thievery is nothing short of epidemic.  Yup, definitely a manufactured danger to bolster their misogynistic malice.

    • Avatar of lisavilisa

      Your post makes me think. With the low efficacy of pregnancy from clinical turkey basting, how can a guy prove that the pregnancy didn't happen from a previous sexual encounter where his condom failed?
      I guess if it's a one night stand, he'd damn well know when she got the sperm, but if she was a regular girlfriend and she got pregnant, chances seem pretty even it was from birth control failure rather than sperm snatching.

      • Avatar of Buzz Parsec

        Noboby so far has picked up on the paragraph two before the one circled in red… 
         

        There was probably no way that April fool''s joke would have turned out in the subredd favour, and I suspect if it was the equivalent story with the genders reversed in here it would've been just as bad.

         
        I tried to imagine it in reverse…  Ovumburglar?  The guy somehow extracts her (fertilized? unfertilized?) egg and runs off with it.  To do what?  Implant it in another woman?  Sounds like the plot of a really bad They Saved Hitler's Brain or The Boys from Brazil type movie.
         

        • Avatar of Buzz Parsec

          Oops, bad commenter!  Bad!  That wasn't meant as a reply to Lisavilisa but just as a regular comment.
           

    • Avatar of robro

      Great info. This idea of stealing used condoms to get pregnant just has to be bogus. As I'm sure you know, even het couples earnestly trying to get pregnant using the old fashioned method can take many cycles. Reproduction is not a perfect system.
      I'm willing to bet that any pregnancies attributed to spermjaking are actually the result of improper use of the condom in the first place because the bimguy didn't know how to put it on. Perhaps even more plausible is that there wasn't a condom at all and the theft claim is ruse to avoid taking responsibility for the pregnancy.
      But what really saddens is these jerks take this as support for battering women.

  18. Avatar of robro

    I hate to tell these bimguys, but the term of enslavement isn't 18 years. I got a 20 year old that disproves that notion in a snap. I guess these nitwits never heard of college tuittion.

    • Avatar of Madfishmonger

      I've known people who've lived with their parents into their 30s. Also, what about when their kids have kids? Do they think kids just get thrown out at 18 and you never speak to them again?

  19. Avatar of catgirl

    I would tell this guy to not worry too much about this woman who steals sperm to get pregnant and trap a man.  Considering that she's a mythical figure, she's ALSO likely to be that friend of a friend who really truly decided to get an abortion at 8.5 months pregnant just for kicks.  On the plus side, if you ever meet this woman who really truly does these things, you're very likely to also meet a unicorn and Elvis Presley.

    • Avatar of dr. dr. professor

      ASSHATTs around the country disagree.

    • Avatar of ginmar

      Is she related to that woman who refuses to let men hold the door for her and the housewife who gets beset upon by feminists who attack her choices?  l worked security for ten years and I never saw a woman refuse to let a guy hold the door for her. What I did see was guys letting the door slam shut in womens' faces or guys who kind of were weirded out by women opening the door for them.   Seriously, they acted like her next move was going to make a grab for their nuts.  

  20. Avatar of Improbable Joe

    Thanks Rebecca, and everyone being funny. This has been a terrible couple of weeks, and I needed the laughs. 

  21. Avatar of the owl

    Afraid of spermburlars? Have you considered abstinence – it is a viable option for all men afraid of the misuse of their precious seed.
    And remember no masturbation – it's a sin and you never know where that sock may just end up and whom you're going to be paying!
     

  22. Avatar of lamuella

    I love this thread, but I think we need another term for spermburgling as an alternative.
     
    Jizznapping?

    • Avatar of Skeptinerd

       
      If I wanted to be a jizznapper for Halloween, what would that costume look like?   

  23. Avatar of jerkofalltrades

    Your standard Sexy Hamburglar costume (eww), but with bandoliers of unrolled condoms that have had fake semen squirted into them and the ends tied. The Spermburglar should also wear a pair of good running shoes.

    • Avatar of Skeptinerd

      I think, maybe also a pistol holster with a turkey baster in it?

      • Avatar of Madfishmonger

        So many options! Future Jizznapper, with her high-tech Insta-Impregno kit, Steampunk Jizznapper, with unecessary gears on everything, 50's Jizznapper with her string of pearls and poodle skirt…

  24. Avatar of thebewilderness

    Long ago and far away, before there was google, there were stories about how you could get pregnant from a toilet seat that a man dribbled on and oh my dear paws and whisker how we scrubbed the bathtub after it was used by a man to be certain sure we could not be accidentally impregnated from the manbath residue. We were 12.
    We were skeptical, sure, but we had no google, and heaven forefend we ask a parental unit.
    And yet, here are what are purported to be adult males sitting at their computer, justifying punching a spermburgling woman, and it never occurs to them to google up the life expectancy of a wayward sperm, which turns out to be mere minutes?
    Stunning!

    • Avatar of erikthebassist

      From wikipedia: "In a non-harmful environment outside the body, such as in a sterile glass container[17] the number of motile sperm decreases with approximately 5-10%[17] per hour. In contrast, in a latex condom, the quality decreases with 60-80%[17] per hour, rendering the sample unusable in not too long time." 
       
      This would explain why I was allowed to collect at home during fertility testing for my ex-wife and I. My first thought on reading your comment was that you were wrong based on that experience, but that's why I love this blog, I'm always challenged and always end up learning something. The theory that a woman can get herself pregnant with ejaculate from a latex condom doesn't hold water, or ejaculate ftm. 
       
      And another random thought, it seems to me that I've never had to be afraid of something like this happening to me, but that's probably because I actually make an effort to get to know the women I might want to sleep with to findout if we have any other chemistry before jumping in the sack. I'm not much for one night stands with strangers, but maybe that's just me. Perhaps not thinking of a woman as a walking vagina in the first place might reduce some of this paranoia?
       

  25. Avatar of Rei Malebario

    "…and ran for the door screaming about how she was going to impregnate herself with his baby"
    This is the bit that really gives it away as a clearly made-up story. She's all surreptitious about the whole thing and is then foiled in her evil plan by finding it necessary to loudly exclaim the details of said plan like a saturday morning cartoon villain. (I imagine variations of this story are Bizarroworld's analogues of Dastardley and Muttley on sat morning tv).
    That's the bit that says that, although nothing in the story violates any known laws of physics, you'd still have to be a Grade A Dickhead to think it could possibly be a real story.

  26. Avatar of Cygore

    Now we know who the Republicans are trying to impress this year.  ;)

  27. Avatar of jthewonderllama

    Can I just say that Law and Order SBU (Sperm Burglar Unit) is one of my favorite nonexistent telivision shows.

    • Avatar of jthewonderllama

      For the record, my absolute favorite nonexistent telivision show is a reality show in which Alf and a bunch of celebrity cartoon cats have to live in the same apartment together. It's called The Hunger Games Real World.
       
       

  28. Avatar of erikthebassist

     
    My promiscuous roommate doesn't know it yet but I've jizznapping his used condoms for months now and selling them to the money hungry womenz all over the city. He must have literally hundreds of kids by now. They are all waiting to sue him for child support at once. I'm rich off it.
    And this becomes a story told as fact by MRA's in 3,2,1…..

  29. Avatar of Rei Malebario

    Man, we could create sperm-based remakes of every heist movie ever – clearly there exists a market for whom this would be the thrillingest kind of thriller ever thrilled.
    - "Ladies, we're going to rob a bank. But not just a money bank – a sperm bank. They have millions and billions of sperms in there!"

    • Avatar of erikthebassist

      "Sperm Wars – Episode VI IX – A long time ago, in galaxy far far away…" "Persued by the Empire's valiant agents, Princess Feminazi races home aboard her star ship, with the stolen sperm that can ruin the lives of men throughout the galaxy…"

  30. Avatar of scribe999

    Oh…aw…crap…man, I hate being late to an awesome thread. BTW, is one a "master baster" if actually able to achieve a viable pregancy with a turkey baster?

    • Avatar of erikthebassist

      I'm always late to threads, join the club. "Spermburgeling Jizznapping Master Baster" There's got to be a crypto zoologist out there somewhere trying to prove the existence of this mythical beast.

  31. Avatar of ineedavacation

    lol the comments in this thread are just about the best thing ever, I gotta start visiting this site more often

  32. Avatar of Skeptinerd

    I just pictured Antoine Dodson reporting this… "Climbin' in yo windows an snatchin' yo condoms up…"

  33. Avatar of Tom

    Here's what I don't get: have the MRAs heard of spermicide? I haven't looked at the stats, but I have to imagine that using a spermicidal lube would go a ways toward decreasing the effectiveness of the (mythical or otherwise) spermburglars. They even make condoms that already have spermicidal lube right there in the little packet. Even if there's not as much on the side of the condom that catches the sperm, there ought to be some left on the inside of the lady who's planning to burgle them.

    • Avatar of lisavilisa

      ah but that can irritate the skin, You don't want the precious golden MRA c*cks getting hurt do you?

  34. Avatar of Gordon Duffy

    What you don't realise Rebecca is that men only have a limited quantity of sperm and once a girl steals it they never get it back.
    It's not like we can make more. XD
    Sorry, I just can't grasp this. These people need a suffix to seperate them from regular men.

  35. Avatar of majo

    If they are so worry, why don't they get a vasectomy? It's safe, reversable, and in some countries even free.
    I'm not saying that there are woman like the ones they describe, but, if I were a man, and I thought like they do, vasectomy actually would be the perfect solution.

  36. Avatar of ginmar

        Did it ever occur to you that getting custody in a patriarchal society like Japan is not necessarily a great boon?     Nor here in America, for that matter, where childcare is ridiculously expensive and women tend to see a drop in income after divorce.  When children were unpaid workers,  women were denied custody because those kids could work on the family farm or in the family business.  

  37. Avatar of Stephen Edwards

    I realise that LIz Jones is far from representative from normal humans let alone women and I'm not suggesting this is something for men to worry about, the post just reminded me of it. Equally ludicrous!
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2056875/Liz-Jones-baby-craving-drove-steal-husbands-sperm-ultimate-deception.html

    • Avatar of ginmar

         Oh, God,  that article is based on her experience and hers alone, plus anecdotes from 'her friends' and 'a study.'   And of course,   she didn't succeed.  

  38. Avatar of thebewilderness

    Perfect! Spermburgling fail X2 reported in the Daily Male. I think she is representative of the fact that people lie to get what they want from their partner and destroy their relationships by doing so. Not exactly news.

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