The Astonishing Prophesies of Octodamus The Prognoctopus

On the 26th day of October, the world lost the greatest cephalopod mind of our times [Aside to PZ: they have minds, right?]: Paul the Octopus, a squishy seer of the sea who successfully predicted many of the winners of World Cup soccer [football] games [matches?].

It is only now, two weeks later, that we have had the opportunity to look back and see exactly how insightful the magical mollusk was. Skepchick was able to get a copy of all his predictions, as conveyed to a pet psychic. I give you

THE ASTONISHING PROPHESIES OF OCTODAMUS THE PROGNOCTOPUS

(UPDATE: Surly Amy’s artwork has proved so popular that we made t-shirts you can buy here!)

I’ll only be printing the prophesies that have already come true, but those also contain prophesies yet to be fulfilled. Please note that Paul (Octodamus) conveyed his predictions as octains.

Glub glub glub
Stop staring at me
Climbing on the wall
Do these suction cups make me look fat?
I will squeeze into this jar
You didn’t think I’d fit
But I did
Take that.

Experts believe this to be a prediction of fashion trends, specifically skinny jeans, which became immensely popular in the past few years. It is also believed that this contains a prophesy that is yet to be fulfilled: sneakers with suction cups on the bottoms.

This also predicts the existence of the pop group Take That.

Sometimes I get angry
Quickly
Right now I’m blue
BAM NOW I’M RED
The tiny humans get freaked out
Run tiny humans, run
If I had blue rings
I’d bite you

This is obviously a nod to the 2010 US mid-term elections, in which the Republicans (identified with the color red) enjoyed a historic retaking of the House of Representatives from the Democrats (blue). This also has to do with the move to conservatives in the UK, since blue rings may refer to the Olympic rings and the 2012 Olympics are in London.

Very short people should probably be on alert for potential terror attacks at the Olympics.

8-8-8
I have 8 legs?
Shut up, please. I actually have
6 arms and 2 legs.
If any of them had fingers
I would flip you off
Seriously stop staring at me
Assholes

It’s eerie how obviously this refers to the terror attacks of 9/11. Paul often communicated in puzzles, and 8+8+8=24. 9*11*01=99, and when you divide that by 4 (the number of Paul’s arms minus his legs), you get 24 (rounded down). It is statistically impossible that this is a coincidence.

The reference to “assholes” who “flip you off” can be nothing other than Lower Manhattan.

Don’t eat the tartar sauce
In the cafeteria
It’s gone off
And is very fattening anyway
Also Lindsay will end up back in rehab
And the news will shake the world.
Whatever, who cares.
Octopuses only live a few years, anyway.

Clearly this is Paul predicting his own death. The “tartar sauce” is probably code for a white light at the end of the tunnel (cafeteria, where many octopuses end up), which for an undersea creature would most likely be represented as a moist gravy or dip.

The reference to “fattening” is likely a call-back to his earlier fashion prediction, indicating that skinny jeans will soon go out of style.

“Lindsay” is a city in California, so obviously the news that will “shake” the world is a major earthquake there. This has yet to come true and is thought to be Paul’s only “miss” so far.

We may post more of Octodamus’ wisdom in the future as we evaluate these important prophesies. All hail Octodamus.

Thanks to Surly Amy for the illustration of Paul Octodamus the Prognoctopus!