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Reader Rants: This Rant Has Been Recalled by [name withheld]

This introduction has been voluntarily redacted by the author, Elyse Anders. Any questions or comments regarding the content of this introduction are subject to investigation by the FBA, CIA, Homeland Security and the Elders of Zion. The contents of this post are highly classified and are matters of governmental security and public safety.

The release of this information to the public is considered an act of terrorism against the United States Government and will be treated as such.

Living in the Shadow of Big Quality

[name withheld]

For some time now, I’ve been reading about the conspiracy theories some people have put forth. Honestly, some of them are quite amusing. But, I’m here to tell you about a conspiracy that is more real, more dangerous, and more unknown than any others — Big Quality

Every product that you use, from your TV dinner, to your hairspray, to your car, all depend on statistical process control — the idea that taking a random sampling of the products made and testing them to their breaking points will give you an idea of how well that group of products will stand up to everyday wear and tear. You can use SPC to build your own perfect puzzle, and make sure every piece fits together. The idea of this started some time ago, but then, in the early 80’s, technology companies began to build software to monitor the controls of the products a manufacturing company was making. By the time the Tech bubble burst, in the early 21st century, over 75 percent of major manufacturing companies were using a handful of quality control applications. Now, that number is just over 90%.

In 2005, the presidents of these companies met in a remote resort near silicon valley. There, they engineered what was probably one of the greatest conspiracies of all time. They all agreed to revamp their system, and introduce an online version of SPC, where multiple plants of the same company could communicate in real-time. This would really help if Plant A built parts to go with Plant B parts to be assembled in Plant C. The catch? These presidents of the quality control companies put in a bug that stayed in communication with a server in Silicon Valley, which in turn would relay information back and forth to the presidents of these companies. Any president could at any time look into any client of any company and could see what that company was doing. Also, they agreed to engineer certain codes, that when put in, would crash the quality system of one client, then propagate through the whole system, and crash every single quality system. If this code were used, it would be like the US and the former USSR both launching their entire arsenal of nuclear missiles. Nothing would remain. They called this the Omega Code. As a precaution, this code was set up so if just 90% of the code were put in, only the targeted client site would be prompted to call tech support. After receiving the call, the corresponding president must alert the other conspirators to the events, or someone would input the Omega code, and drive the whole system under.

Last year, these presidents, who call themselves TQM, decided to move on to phase two of their plan. They called in the largest customers these conspirators had and revealed the existence of the Omega Code. The were people like Kraft, Dell, Boeing,
Merck, and others from all industries, from paper and textile to food to aerospace and automotive. Their demands-recalls of products. They chose one company to recall a product. The companies have no choice but to comply. They are so integrated and dependent of this software that if it were to fail, then they could go out of business. They’d either have to slow down production ensure the quality of their product, or run the risk of putting truly hazardous products on the market. No company could withstand the way of resulting lawsuits that would follow, and building their own from scratch would take years.

So, what’s the payout? What motivates this group of people do such things? Expansion of power. Before the client is chosen, they first decide which president’s company will take the fall. Then they decide which president is going to swoop
in and pick up other manufactures not in the net. Usually, this involves trading something. This could be anything from luxuries to money.

So, after reading this, you might be asking yourself, who is this guy, and why should I believe him? I work for one of these companies. I’m just a lowly assistant. occasionally, these meetings will be held in the office I work at behind closed doors. I make sure our “guests” have plenty of food and drink. I can’t tell you much more, or something of mine might have a catastrophic failure. My blow dryer may short out (look for a recall on blow dryers) or my brakes may fail (look for a recall on breaks), or I might have some tainted food. But I can‘t do this any more, I have to warn the masses.

Jeff Sykes, better known in skeptic space as Infinite Monkey, is a critical thinker and wannabe creative writer from the deep south. He enjoys cute kittens, discussions of the particle-wave duality of light, and hot, nerdy guys. He also has a very short attention span. What do you expect! HE’S A MONKEY!


The Skepchick Reader Rants, posted every Wednesday at 3PM Eastern, is a feature where you, the Skepchick readers, get to tell the Skepchick community what you think about whatever you want! To be considered, please submit an original rant, preferably unpublished anywhere else, to skepchick(at)skepchick(dot)org with the subject: My Rant.

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Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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27 Comments

  1. Hah! I have you all beat, conspiracy-wise. Not only do I work in Quality…but in Pharma as well!

    I’m reporting every one of you for processing. Don’t make me fill out a Deviation report about all this!

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