Dear Tim Tebow,
I hate you. Really, I’ve hated you for a long time. I think you’re a pretentious dickbag and I’m really tired of you and your very literal holier than thou bullshit. I get it. You’re blessed. You’re saved. You’re the greatest college football player ever (so I’ve heard.) You’ve chosen not to take the date-rape free-pass that most big football players get, and everyone is very proud of you for that, especially since you’ve chosen to announce at press conferences that you’re also passing on the consensual sex until you’re married. You practice medicine without a license because orphans in the Phillipines deserve to have their penises touched by you. Because you’re better than a doctor; your hands are guided by God. Sure, in other countries, like the one you and I live in, you’d probably go to prison for performing not-medically-necessary dick surgery on uninformed, non-consenting patients while simultaneously not being a doctor. But I’m sure those boys are living better lives now that you touched their wieners in a totally-approved-by-God way.
I’m happy that the whole football thing worked out for you. I am. I like when good things happen to people. But could you lose the pretentious eye patch Bible verse things and just concentrate on not being so goddamn annoying? I hate watching football. I hate watching football even more when it involves extra homework just to find out what the hell you’re trying to say with your eye-cheek things.
And, even more annoyingly, now you think that just because you were born, you are a spokesperson for everyone who has ever been conceived. That’s very noble of you. And by “noble”, I mean that it really makes me want to murder you in the face with bears.
If I were Jesus, I’d hate you as much as I, Elyse, hate you.
Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to talk to Skepchick readers about your ridiculously assholey commercial that you’ll be appearing in this weekend during the Super Bowl. Because nothing says “do unto others” like promoting a hate-mongering, anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-civil rights, anti-equality organization to people who are just trying to nom some Hooter’s wings, get drunk, and gamble. And being a virgin who plays football in no way makes you an expert on my dirty sinful parts and the people who may or may not be inside them. It kind of makes you the opposite of that. And it kind of makes you a huge dickhole.
I hope you enjoy hell, Teebs.
Dear everyone who is not Tim Tebow,
Thanks for bearing with me through that. I really hate Tim Tebow.
By now, if you have access to the internet, to anyone in the US, to anyone who has access to anyone in the US or to anyone who has access to anyone with access to the internet, you’ve heard about this purportedly pro-life ad that Teebs and Mama Teebs are doing for Focus on the Family. It’s the first ever of it’s kind to be aired during the Super Bowl, and is likely being included because, thanks to the economy, companies who normally would, can’t or don’t want to shell out almost $3million per minute for ads. Normally, an organization like Fuck us with a Family (see what I did?) would not be allowed to run an anti-abortion ad (or really any other ad for any of their “traditional” “Christian” “family values”) because it would be deemed too controversial. But this year, the rules changed, and FOTF was all over it like Tim Tebow on an orphaned Filipino boy’s penis.
And here’s where it gets fun! People are angry about this commercial. And people are thrilled about this commercial. And people are annoyed by the number of people who are talking about this commercial. And people are annoyed that people are angry about this commercial. And people are angry that people are thrilled about this commercial. So what’s so fun about that? No one has seen the damn commercial! No one even knows for sure that it has anything to do with abortion.
But let’s assume that it is about abortion. Because, let’s face it, it probably is.
Pam Tebow’s story is one of those storybook “look what I would have missed out on if I listened to abortionists” pro-life stories. She and her husband were missionaries in the Philippines when Pam fell ill. She was on “strong antibiotics” before she found out she was pregnant with her fifth child, the great Tim Tebow. Doctors supposedly told her that her life was in danger unless she aborted football’s messiah (though the doctors just thought he was a useless mass of cells and didn’t care about him at all). She told doctors that they don’t know what they are talking about, and instead decided to continue the pregnancy.
The pregnancy was wrought with complications, and she almost lost Tim four times. Doctors kept urging her to terminate, but she knew better and instead prayed. Her prayers were answered when she gave birth to that fifth child… who then went on to be the greatest college football player ever.
The moral of the story is that doctors are stupid. They want to kill your baby because they don’t care about life and they love killing babies. They will tell you you might die if you continue your pregnancy just to pressure you into doing the devil’s work, but if you ignore them God will reward you with a son with super-human abilities.
Of course, given the number of babies born vs the number of Tim Tebows, you’re rolling a handful of loaded 30-billion-sided dice… which might be proof that there is a god.
But the opposing team has chimed in to chastise Pam Tebow for lying through her blessed teeth about the pressure to terminate her pregnancy. And now Gloria Allred is angry. And she wants you to report FOTF to the FCC and the FTC for misleading advertising.
Allred has pointed out a particular inconsistency with Pam Tebow’s claim. Abortion is outlawed in the Phillipines, and has been since 1930, and makes no exceptions for maternal health, rape or incest. Getting an abortion is punishable for up to 6 years in prison for the woman and the doctor of midwife who perform it.
Therefore, Allred claims, it was unlikely if not impossible that Tebow was offered, much less pressured into terminating her pregnancy. And even if she were, Jesus or no Jesus, it was probably in her best interest to continue to refuse.
This certainly presents an interesting twist on the story. However, another twist is that apparently Gloria Allred is incapable of using Google or checking on facts and examining Filipino laws beyond what is outlined specifically in their abortion laws.
According to the United Nations, who seemingly have no interest in gaining fame, money, credibility, or a space in heaven off of this year’s Super Bowl, Allred is correct… and, at the same time, MamaTeebs might very well be telling the truth.
Although the Penal Code does not list specific exceptions to the general prohibition on abortion, under the general criminal law principles of necessity as set forth in article 11(4) of the Code, an abortion may be legally performed to save the pregnant womanâ€™s life.
And while the consequences of abortion in the Philippines are seemingly high, the risk of facing those consequences is relatively low. The same UN document states that the International Planned Parenthood estimates between 155,000 to 750,000 abortions are performed in the Philippines every year. The Guttmacher Institute estimates that 400,000 abortions, 25 per 1000 women, were performed in 1994.
I do tend to be wary of stories from women who insist they were unnecessarily highly pressured to terminate a pregnancy, but refused, only to give birth to a full term, healthy baby.
I also tend to be annoyed by those same women when they claim that you, too, should defy your doctor’s advice that you could die if you continue your pregnancy because you could be carrying the next greatest thing-doer ever.
Whether you want to carry your little thingaling to term or not, no matter what your circumstances, you are far more likely to give birth to a career criminal than to Tim Tebow. I’m no math whiz, but I ran the numbers.
Tim Tebows in the US in 2008: 1
Convicted prisoners in the US in 2008:Â >2,000,000
And what about all the kids who go on to do pretty cool things that would have never been born if their moms didn’t abort the baby before them?
My take on the whole MamaTeebs v Allred? Pam Tebow is probably taking some liberties with her story, but most of it rings true. Gloria Allred needs to brush up on her International Law.
What can you do? When you see a heavenly light emitting from your standard def TV, walk away. If you cannot walk away, whip out your uncircumcised penis, show it to the TV screen and yell, “YOU’LL NEVER GET ME, TIM TEBOW!!!” If you’re circumcised and cannot walk away, hold a quick gay marriage ceremony during the commercial. If you don’t want to get gay married, you’re circumcised or don’t have a penis, and you can’t walk away, after the commercial talk about how much you miss the Pets.com sock puppet and the WAAAAAZZZZZZAAAAAAAAA guys. Or… just don’t watch the Super Bowl.
No matter what you do, just keep hating Tim Tebow. He’s a dickbag douchenozzle. And he probably doesn’t even realize that Jesus is a hockey fan.
Dear Focus on the Family,
I can think of no better reason to have an abortion than to stop the world from possibly having to endure another Tim Tebow.
Thank you for supporting a woman’s right and responsibility to save the world through abortion!