Sometimes I haveÂ vagina envy*. It seems to me that there are many advantages to having one’s genitals hidden insideÂ the body, although I am also aware of theÂ dreaded Yeast Infection Risk. I don’t mean I’d rather be a woman – I’d much rather be a man as it happens (does my bias look big in this?) – but I do sometimes wish I had a handy vag. Here’s why:
- NoÂ debilitating grazing blows. I’m sure it’s painful to catch a round house kick or Hulk Smash punch in your womanly secret. There are indeed nerve endings in the regionÂ afterall. But it takes merely a glancing bit of contact to a fellow’sÂ coin purseÂ to render him unable to breathe and to cripple him for the better part of the day. It’s a bad design, from aÂ protect-your-goodies standpoint.
- Crack one off at any time. You know what I’m talking about. And while you may not be particularly inclined to have a sneakyÂ twiddle leaning against the machine at the laundrette, the point is that you can. Not so easy for the lads, for most of usÂ anÂ open flyÂ and penile extraction is required. We have to take it out.
- Communing with nature. Nothing says “FOLLOW ME YON PELICANS!” like aÂ nasty, dripping, smeggy, unwashedÂ packet. Men are incapable ofÂ connecting with the animal kingdomÂ without some strategically placed peanut butter.
- Comedy value.Â Vaginas are hilarious. They are like cute little puzzles, for a start. There’s a tiny man in a boat wearing a hoody. And they are always smiling a jolly toothless smile at you. If I had aÂ vagina I’d be delighted all the time just knowing something so comedic is there for the viewing any time I’m bored.Â Some areÂ like roast beef cutlets! With hairy bits! Ha ha!
- Better euphemisms.Â Penis words are rubbish.Â Vagina words are awesome, fromÂ trim toÂ schnizz to glorious divide. I admit that the C word is very useful, but I also enjoy calling my enemies ‘massive twats’, and theÂ penis doesn’t have half as many funny ones.Â Schmeckle is quite amusing I suppose, but it’s no whisker biscuit. It’s definitely noÂ cum dumpster.
I rest my case.
*Quick note, I don’t wish I had a vagina as much as I wish I had some vagina.
POINT: I’d Rather Have a Penis