Random Asides

I’d Rather Have a Vagina

Sometimes I have vagina envy*. It seems to me that there are many advantages to having one’s genitals hidden inside the body, although I am also aware of the dreaded Yeast Infection Risk. I don’t mean I’d rather be a woman – I’d much rather be a man as it happens (does my bias look big in this?) – but I do sometimes wish I had a handy vag. Here’s why:

  1. No debilitating grazing blows. I’m sure it’s painful to catch a round house kick or Hulk Smash punch in your womanly secret. There are indeed nerve endings in the region afterall. But it takes merely a glancing bit of contact to a fellow’s coin purse to render him unable to breathe and to cripple him for the better part of the day. It’s a bad design, from a protect-your-goodies standpoint.
  2. Crack one off at any time. You know what I’m talking about. And while you may not be particularly inclined to have a sneaky twiddle leaning against the machine at the laundrette, the point is that you can. Not so easy for the lads, for most of us an open fly and penile extraction is required. We have to take it out.
  3. Communing with nature. Nothing says “FOLLOW ME YON PELICANS!” like a nasty, dripping, smeggy, unwashed packet. Men are incapable of connecting with the animal kingdom without some strategically placed peanut butter.
  4. Comedy value. Vaginas are hilarious. They are like cute little puzzles, for a start. There’s a tiny man in a boat wearing a hoody. And they are always smiling a jolly toothless smile at you. If I had a vagina I’d be delighted all the time just knowing something so comedic is there for the viewing any time I’m bored. Some are like roast beef cutlets! With hairy bits! Ha ha!
  5. Better euphemisms. Penis words are rubbish. Vagina words are awesome, from trim to schnizz to glorious divide. I admit that the C word is very useful, but I also enjoy calling my enemies ‘massive twats’, and the penis doesn’t have half as many funny ones. Schmeckle is quite amusing I suppose, but it’s no whisker biscuit. It’s definitely no cum dumpster.

I rest my case.

*Quick note, I don’t wish I had a vagina as much as I wish I had some vagina.

Further Reading
POINT: I’d Rather Have a Penis

Sam Ogden

Sam Ogden is a writer, beach bum, and songwriter living in Houston, Texas, but he may be found scratching himself at many points across the globe. Follow him on Twitter @SamOgden

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51 Comments

  1. Sam, way to make me spit out my morning tea.

    I have this horrible affliction of when someone suggests something weird or strange, I have an urge to draw it. But with this, I dunno. I don’t know if I could draw you with a vagina, dude.

  2. After reading both perspectives, I would have to say it is a draw. However…
    Penises are definitely funnier-looking and vaginas definitely get the better euphemisms. Coming up with new terms is one of my husband’s favorite hobbies. He is banned from using terms that include any reference to meat on a day that he actually wants to have sex, though. That’s just gross. I’m not a vegetarian but that is just an un-sexy association. Although, “smelly sandwich”, coined by a friend, is falling into common usage in our house lately.

  3. I have always been so jealous of the fabulous, innovative and downright cool toys available for the vagina! I think that NASA has a secret department for inventing these! There are buzzy things and twirley things. Some light up and make cool machinery sounds. They are made from every material known to man, as well as some materials that have just been invented (NASA again)! Hell there are even Vagina toys that plug into an ipod!

    What toys are there for a penis?…. a sleeve! Thanks for nothing NASA.

  4. Re: #1. We may not have be able to experience the “debilitating” pain of being kicked in the gonads, but at least men don’t experience what can be debilitating pain and worse every.single.month.

    And you don’t need to buy tampons, etc., which aren’t cheap.

    And you don’t need to go to a yearly gyno exam (also not free) to get poked. Every.year.

    Soooo, lol @ “omg if I get kicked in the nuts, it might hurt!”

    Pff, I was in so much pain last month, I had someone give me a vicodin they had. Didn’t work.

    That’s not to say this shit wasn’t hilarious, ‘cuz it was. :P

  5. @marilove: And you don’t need to go to a yearly gyno exam (also not free) to get poked. Every.year.

    I don’t know. You have to do that your entire adult life, but after 50 (or earlier, depending on your genetic predilections/who you ask) we have to let a guy poke us where the sun don’t shine on a yearly basis, and that’s after things aren’t as malleable and open to new things as they were when we were 20 or so.

  6. It’s not the vagina I mind, but the uterus and all the rest that comes with it. After suffering in pain due to a uterine fibroid, and chronic anemia from menorrhagia since I was 17, I’d gladly give it up for a penis.

    But, if we’re just talking about vagina over penis, I like vaginas.

  7. I’d like to credit my friend Casey, with the most off-putting euphemistic reference for girl parts I have ever heard…but it does make for a good laugh at parties.

    “Looks like half a pound of chipped beef hanging outta bears ass”

  8. Women sometimes have to get their butts poked too. I’ve had it done, as has my sister. She has colon problems, so he has to go through it a LOT. Butt poking is not a man-only thing.

    And you don’t have to get your butt poked every year for your entire life.

  9. Hi there!

    Awwww MAN, now you’ve gone and made me tell the PANTS story. >:(

    So … I was away at school for a year. When I came home, I brought a girlfriend with me. She had never been to New York City, so I offered to take her up there and give a guided tour. While getting ready to go out that day, I noticed that there was a brand new pair of jeans in my drawer at home. I wondered aloud: “Hmmm … Why didn’t I bring these nifty jeans with me to college?”. they were a perfectly good pair of jeans, I couldn’t guess why I would have left them at home for two semesters.

    So I tried them on, and they were just a little … tight. Well hey, that’s good, right? I’ll just go up to NYC with my girlfriend in my sexy tight jeans and we’d have a great time.

    Well, we went up to the Statue of Liberty first, and we started walking around. After acting like complete tourists for a while, I started to notice that the hard inseam of the jeans was poking me right … right between Tom & Harry, so to speak. After a few hours of this, it started to HURT.

    Now, I am a very mellow type of guy. I tend to just go with the flow, and I rarely get upset. I’m a very: “The Dude Abides” kind of fellow. So, after a few hours of pain in my crotch, I decided that maybe we should stop at a clothing store and buy me a new pair of jeans. Something that wasn’t jabbing me square in the apple-bag. But first, my loving girlfriend wanted to buy a new camera for herself.

    So we stopped in one of those ginormous 42nd street camera stores, and my loving girlfriend spent … oh, an hour or so looking at cameras. By this time, the pain had moved from between my legs, up into my stomach, and I was starting to sweat profusely and become nauseous. Loving girlfriend finally found a camera, but decided to give the salesman a thorough interview before actually purchasing it. As they were going through all the camera features, I finally sat down on a small ledge and started quietly thinking to myself: “OH JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTWOULDYOUJUSTFUCKING SHUTUPANDBUYTHEFUCKINGCAMERAANDLETSGETTHE FUCKOUTOFHEREBEFOREIWRINGYOURFUCKINGLITTLE
    NECKYOUWHORE!!” while sobbing with my arms clutched around my stomach.

    When I later described this experience to one of my OTHER female friends, she said: “You know, that sounds a lot like menstrual cramps. You probably had this constant discomfort in your groin, and it cause a hormonal response in your body”. I said: “So THAT’s what that’s like! Wow, now at least I can say that I know what it’s like!”.

    She replied: “Not unless you wore those pants for 4-6 days, you can’t”.

    So as much as I would LOVE to have a vagina, and as much as I’d spend hours playing with it and looking at it in the mirror, I think I’ll keep my wang. I’ve gotten used to it, and it gets me a lot of benefits in our male-centered patriarchal society. [nods] YMMV.

  10. @Draconius:

    FWIW, not all women have pain during menstruation. My periods are just like any other day. In fact, I usually forget that I’m even having one until I got the bathroom and see that I need to change my “sanitary products”. I don’t really know how common this is, but having a vagina (and related organs) isn’t always painful.

  11. Sam, you had me LMAO until I read #3. Wow…just wow. That brings back some baaaaad memories. There is nothing worse than getting that hottie you just met home for a little hanky-panky and finding out she smells like a seagull’s wet dream after the panties are down. Sad part is, since I don’t get it very often, I just hold my nose I dive in anyway. I’m a muffin muncher from way back.

    TMI?

  12. @catgirl: For the most part, my period is pretty mild. But every once in a while, the cramps are really bad (like last month), probably due to stress, or just my body wanted to torture me. When I was 17-18, I only had periods every six months or so, and when they came, they were bad — they’d last over a week, were VERY heavy, and I’d have horrible cramps almost the entire time. I’m so glad that things got more normal when I was 19. Ugh.

    But I know women who go through horrible cramps every month. Sometimes the pill can help alleviate the pain, sometimes not.

    Not to mention the OTHER symptoms — bloating, gas, diarrhea, headaches (or migraines), mood swings, etc. I tend to get the stomach issues (bloating and gas) more than the cramps, but when they combine, that sucks. Also, my breasts sometimes get VERY, VERY, VERY tender — to the point where even a slight touch makes me want to sob. The pill seems to make that problem worse, actually.

    Oh, and the constant threat of getting pregnant. At least guys don’t have to deal with that. Sure, they can get someone pregnant, but it’s nowhere near the same kind of fear.

    Being a man is, hands down, much easier and cheaper in the medical department (all else being equal).

  13. Oh! Two more things that make having a vagina suck sometimes:

    1.Yeast infections.

    2.UTIs.

    Both of which men can get, but it’s much rarer.

    Most women who are given antibiotics make a trip to the drug store to pick up yeast infection medicine, because antibiotics wreak havoc on a woman’s sensitive bits.

    A UTI is the worst thing in the entire world. Some women get them EVERY TIME they have sex. And UTIs can be deadly if not taken care of.

    Last time I had a UTI, I got really sick. Weird thing is that I wasn’t experiencing many of the physical symptoms, except a high fever and feeling like complete ass, which apparently isn’t that uncommon.

  14. I am a dude with a vagina (as in, I’m a transexual man). It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But yes, guys with the girl bits do exist, and the good thing is that I can go and buy a pretty nice fake penis that does the job wonderfully, but good fake vaginas are not so easy to get.

  15. Ok … I’m gonna play my doctor card here … I have examined many hundreds of penises and many hundreds of vaginas … and … I’d rather have a penis.

    Why?

    The vagina’s major advantage is protection against trauma.

    The vagina’s disadvantage is that the female’s overall genitourinary anatomy lends itself to greater susceptibility to infection.

    I am happy with my foreskinless penis.

    Now … if I actually remembered the circumcision thing , I’d probably wish I had a vagina.

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