Religion

The End is Here!

I wanted to thank you all for the great fun. Today is my last day posting at Skepchick. It’s not that writing here hasn’t been fulfilling; indeed it has. And it’s not that I don’t love you guys immensely; indeed I do. And it’s not that what I feel for my fellow Skepchicks is less than true adoration and love; indeed it’s more.

My work here is finished because I have bigger and better things to move on to. My plans don’t take me on travels through Southwest Asia, Iceland, and London (unlike some of us). They take me somewhere far better. I have the audition of my lifetime today… it’s the biggest audition anyone’s had in the last 6,000 years, actually… well, maybe 2,000.

You see, today is the Rapture, and Christ will be choosing his bride. While I’m quite content in my current marriage, since today is the end of life as we know it, I thought I’d trade up. So I’m going for it! Don’t get me wrong, Brian is a great guy, and he makes really cute kids (one anyway)… but he works in advertising. He claims to perform miracles every day, but really, though we all think the Progressive chick is pretty hot, we don’t need to hear her say “tricked out nametag” 100 more times. Jesus, on the other hand… there’s like an entire book (or at least half of a book… or maybe like a third of a book) written about his miracles. And today, he’s the universe’s most eligible bachelor!

He has a kingdom you know… in the sky! For serious! The fucking sky!

raptureI’m sorry that the rest of you probably won’t be invited to the wedding… while Jesus “loves” you and all, we’re only going to invite his closest, most dedicated friends. And you guys… well, you all upset him with all your doubting. Why you gotta be hatin’ on the King of the Jews, yo? (Really though, unless you really like fish, you’re not missing much.)

[HECKLER IN THE BACK: The rapture is bullshit!]

Oh, right… yeah, I’m just kidding. I’m not leaving Skepchick to go marry Jesus today. This was just a piece of performance art… to teach you a lesson. Today is still the rapture and stuff.

No, it’s not even that.

Today is the day that some dude, claiming to have prophetic powers, concluded is the Rapture. And really, his logic is flawless (and by flawless I mean so riddled with flaws it’s hard to tell which ones belong to each other and which are new flaws… it’s like logic flaw meat slurry). He even uses math!

…if you use exactly 49 Jewish (360-day, prophetic) years from the day Israel captured the Temple Mount on June 7, 1967, you get 49 X 360 = 17640 days, which amazingly takes one exactly to September 23, 2015, The Day of Atonement 2015 and is the start of a new Jubilee year!

So the end of the world is 7 years before the Day of Atonement… which means the end of the world is September 23, 2008 which is… oh no! A year ago! Wait! We’re still here! WTF?

Oh, he can explain:

When the Mark Blitz released his information last spring, everyone thought that this was easy!  If you subtract 7 years from 2015 that meant that the rapture would be on September 29th to 31st 2008 (Rosh Hashanah – The Feast of Trumpets) and the 7-year tribulation would start around Yum Kippur October 9, 2008. We were all dismayed when those dates came and went.  However, if you look at the bible, the time period of the antichrist is the only time where an exact 7-Jewish Period of 2520 (7 x 360) days is given.  For we read:

Daniel 9:27… And he shall confirm the covenant with many for one week: and in the midst of the week he shall cause the sacrifice and the oblation to cease, and for the overspreading of abominations he shall make [it] desolate, even until the consummation, and that determined shall be poured upon the desolate.

If we subtract 2520 days from September 23, 2015 we come to October 29, 2008.  SEE CALCULATION In Revelation 8:1 it talks about a silence in heaven for 30 minutes, and in the scripture above in Daniel 9:27, it could be read: “he shall reaffirm his campaign promises with his many followers for one week”. SEE MORE HERE As you probably remember, Obama’s 30-minute info-commercial occurred on October 29, 2008!  Never before in the world’s history has anyone given a 30-minute info-commercial “confirming his campaign promises with many and that if he is elected he would change the world”.  What are the odds that this event occurs exactly 2520 days from September 23, 2015?   Why 30 minutes?  Why not 15 minutes?  Could the 30-minute silence in heaven (which only occurs this one time in the bible) be referring to Obama’s 30-minute info-commercial?  You see, nothing happens by chance!  God controls history!

I love studying the laws of probability, in other words what are the odds of some event happening.

1992_RaptureWhich you see, totally clears this all up… right? Because for Mark Blitz (should I know who that is? because I totally don’t) it was ridiculously easy, but he was wrong… but now some other guy sitting on his couch with a bible, a calculator, a 365 Days of Paper Airplanes calendar, and a totally rational fear of Muslim Non-American Anti-Christ US Presidents figured it out. And, also, God got everyone to shut up so he could watch the My Name is Earl finale.

Really, the crazy goes on from there. The page explaining today’s world-ending event is just as long, rambling, and non-sensical as Time Cube. And for every paragraph written, he’s got a 10 minute YouTube video to go along with it… and at the bottom of the page he even gives you the option to READ MORE! I’m fairly certain that the Rapture might actually be people’s brains refusing to work anymore after being subjected to that site. There should be an OSHA for brains, and that guy should be fined.

The problem here is that the end of the world is predicted a lot, and every time, people are wrong. The proof is that, you know, the world is still here and stuff. One of my favorite end-of-world preditions was the Nuclear Baby which Rebecca covered December of last year after covering it 6 months earlier.

In fact, there were at least 15 failed prophecies in 2006, according to ReligousTolerance.org, the most famous being 06/06/06. And, you may remember that 09/09/09 was the inspiration for a Mexican plane hijacking because apparently the beast reads everything upside down.

1463_heavens_gate_468And remember Heaven’s Gate? An entire religious group shedding their earthen vessels to meet their space god in his rocket ship comet?

This stuff happens all too often. Fortunately, they’re wrong. unfortunately, enough people believe it.

And you know what happens tomorrow? The September 21 guy won’t admit that he was wrong altogether and the idea was silly, he’ll go back and re-work the math… at least, that’s what I learned by watching the Simpsons… and reading this stupid Rapture predictions for so long.

As Kanye would say, “Hey, September 21, 2009, I’m real happy for your rapture thing, and Ima let you finish but December 21, 2012 is the one best end of world prophecies of all time! All time!”

(And a Happy Rapture Birthday to our beautiful and talented Skepchick Jill!)

Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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47 Comments

  1. Oh shit, this is why my Wii, 360, and my brother’s laptop mysteriously disappeared today! Apparently my own laptop is an atheist, and was left behind.

    Either that, or my house was burglarized this morning when my brother and I were both gone to class.

    I hope it was just a burglary, I’m pretty sure my insurance doesn’t cover acts of God.

  2. Hi there!

    My wifey is Catholic, and when we both wanted to get married, we had to go to pre-cana, which is like a little marital study course for Catholics. As a non-Catholic, I didn’t have to pretend to believe in all the crazy things that my lovely wifey (fiancee at the time) did. They didn’t even ask me if I were Atheist, just: “Have you ever been baptized in a Christian tradition”? “Um … yes”? (I was baptized Methodist when I was an infant) So, the whole thing went pretty smoothly.

    But, I had so many questions for the priest. There was one in particular that I really wanted to ask, but my wifey-to-be wouldn’t let me. She specifically forbade me from asking “The Nun Question”.

    I’d wanted to ask: “So … okay, Nun’s are considered the Brides of Christ, right? (they even wear wedding rings to indicate their marriage to Jesus) And … Jesus is coming back, riiight? So … when he comes back, is he going to have to CONSUMMATE all of these marriages? Because if so, he’s going to be a Very Busy Man. I figure I have PLENTY of time to repent and become a good Christian while’s taking care of business, ifyouknowwhatImean. AmIRite!?”.

    But I wasn’t allowed to ask that question. Oh well. ;)

  3. I must say, I’m pretty damn excited about this whole rapture thing. This way, I can get a MUCH better job a lot easier as I won’t have to compete against all the “other people.” And, I know that my services will be … well servicing a more intelligent, at least more logical population. Bring on the Apocalypse!

  4. All the statements in the New Testament are based on the assumption that Jesus would return to establish his kingdom while some of his desciples were still living. But the last one, John, died around 100 A D. So anyone who says Jesus will return soon, or at any time at all, is either lying or badly misinformed.

  5. Anyone for a Rapture party?

    We’ll sing along to Blondie’s song.

    We’ll watch that Mimi Rogers movie. (She’s got big boobs… he he he.)

    Then we can watch all the Christians swoosh up into the sky.

    It’ll be fun!

  6. @Im a Hedge:

    Interestingly enough, the Priest never asked ME to agree to raise my kids Catholic.

    He did ask my wifey-to-be about it, and it was interesting in that he said: “WHEN you have children, do you agree to raise them Catholic”? Not “if”. It’s very important to Catholic Church that they get those little Catholic moneymakers in early.

    She said “yes”, and that was it. I felt like the implication was: “The Catholics are talking, sweetie, you just sit there and be quiet”. (and don’t ask about the nuns)

    However, my wifey and have no plans to have kids … ever, and if we do, I plan to let my wifey raise them in the Catholic tradition, and when they ask why Daddy doesn’t go to Church, I intend to be perfectly honest with them. :)

  7. DAMMIT!!!

    I read the first paragraph, and skimmed over the rest, and thought Elyse was really leaving! I wrote a genuinely heartfelt comment. At first, I felt like I died a little, now I’m just pissed!

    WOMAN! DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!

  8. @draconius (“when he comes back, is he going to have to CONSUMMATE all of these marriages?”)

    Have you seen a nun recently?! My wife’s great-aunt was a nun. She was 78 when she died. If I was Jesus I’d put off this second-coming as long as possible …

  9. I’ve always been convinced that if the Rapture were to actually take place, so few people would “qualify” (and thus disappear) that the rest of us would never know it had happened.

    I’m afraid you’re out of luck, Elyse. Sorry!

  10. I figure I have enough Christians in my Twitter feed, and on Facebook, that if the rapture ever did strike, I’d know about it before breakfast.

    “Hey, have you heard from [name] today?”

    “No, haven’t herd from her since last night. And [name] hasn’t updated his status since Thursday.”

    “Uh oh!”

  11. @SteveT: Have to agree with you there.

    Okay, given the rapture/consummation link proposed above, I’ve got the film rights for “Jesus: First Blood”, plus the sequel “Jesus: Back in the Habit”, followed by the inevitable “Nuns on the Run (from Christ).”

    @Paradym: You could probably get Mimi Rogers *live*. She’s a Scientologist. Totally wanted to consummate with her ifyouknowwhatImean, until I found out that little chestnut.

    Get it? Chest…Nut.

    *Crickets chirping*

    Is this thing on.

  12. @Elyse: That just means that more people should start following you. It’s a great way to get to see some of the behind the scenes preplanning as well as the ability to vote on whether you should stop your child from eating a jalapeño like an apple. (I vote that you should, though it’d be hilarious if you didn’t).

  13. One of the recent-past Rapture non-events was a big focus of Howard Camping, a nutter religious broadcaster. I’ve heard on good authority that they were offered a reasonably fair sum up-front for their TV stations, perhaps 25% of their value payable in advance of the Rapture in exchange for transfer of the ownership of the stations afterward. Seems like a good deal to me, but Howard curiously turned it down.

  14. If the second coming is when Jesus is to consumate his wedding to all the nuns, with whom did he experience the first coming?

    And is the meaning of “second coming” a second round of comings, after a two thousand year break, or is he going to consumate with thousands of nuns and only come once?

  15. What these folks don’t realize is that the Rapture arrived exactly on schedule, and it’s all over now. All seven True Christians (a gay cowboy from North Dakota, five miscellaneous tribesmen from Borneo, and a Mongolian camel herder) were raptured up to heaven. The rest of the doodah — the Tribulation and all that fuss — was cancelled on account of rain and will be replayed at a date yet to be determined.

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