Yesterday I got into an argument with one of my husband’s co-workers over whether the Rapture was upon us. She insisted that no, it was not yesterday, but today that the world will end. I told her she’s completely dim (because apparently I don’t care about my husband’s employment) and pointed her to the post I wrote about yesterday’s end of the world. Then she called me an idiot and pointed me to the site that says today is the day the US government nukes Chicago. It’s not quite the apocalypse, but to those of us in and around Chicago, it kind of is.
Fortunately, the 9/22 site is brief, otherwise the apocalypse would be happening in my head.
So let’s break it down, point by point.
The U.S. Government might nuke Chicago, IL on Tuesday, 9/22/2009.
So, we have the huge warning that it might happen. Other things that might happen today:
- I might win the lotto
- The economy might fix itself
- The Nightman might cometh
- Somebody might declare Goodburger to be the greatest movie of all time
- It might rain
“Might”. That’s a pretty huge loophole.
Firstly, keep in mind that a “second 9/11” or “9/11 sequel” could occur on 9/12/YYYY or 9/22/YYYY, rather than on 9/11/YYYY. Furthermore, eight years passed between the 1993 World Trade Center bombing and 9/11, and now eight years have passed since 9/11.
So it can happen on any day in any year, as long as it’s September, but all the evidence points to today. Why? Because after a sample of one timespan between WTC bombings, we can conclude that The Man will be bombing World Trade Centers every eight years. Except that there is no World Trade Center to bomb anymore… so the obvious next step is to nuke Chicago.
There’s probably a checklist that the CIA has. It goes like this:
- Fail at bombing the WTC.
- Fly “planes” into the WTC, then control demolition.
- Nuke Chicago
- Collect underpants
- Make Profit
So, according to this checklist, I was wrong, the economy is not going to fix itself today, it will be fixed in 24 years (since they wait 8 years between items).
–9/22/2009 is a Tuesday, as was 9/11/2001.
And now that McDonald’s no longer offers Free Coffee Mondays, this makes Tuesday especially irritating… especially knowing that Mickey D’s can totally afford it since they get paid every Tuesday for the hamburgers they already gave out… or was that something else? I don’t know.
Tuesday, based on the evidence from a single attack 8 years ago, is a great day to attack again. Assuming that Tuesday once = Tuesday always for killing thousands (or millions) of Americans is reasonable enough… right? Okay, maybe not. Perhaps this makes sense when you look at the rest of the evidence? Maybe?
Oh, and the 1993 bombing was on a Friday… so maybe they like to mix it up with the days of the week (but not more than once) but not the number of years in between.
–9/22/2009 is the first day of fall (“fall” being the operative word here).
Holy shit! Quick! Somebody call Grammar Girl! CHICAGO IS BEING ATTACKED BY HOMONYMS! It really is the end!
–Chicago is known as “The Second City.”
Homonyms and nicknames taken out of context!
And the government has been telling us for the last 120 years that it’s “The Second City” because Chicago was destroyed in some fire, and this is the second Chicago.
Was Mrs. O’Leary’s cow a government shill?
Or is this just a textbook example of what some might call a “nonsequitur”?
Hey, don’t look at me, I’m just the Skepchick asking the questions. I’m also the one pointing out that there was no O’Leary cow.
–President Obama is from Chicago.
Soooooo he wants to bomb his friends and family?
Am I the only one who thinks that if I’m in charge of the government that’s going to nuke an entire metropolitan area, I’m going to pick the one without my million dollar home in the middle of it?
–Chicago is a candidate city for the 2016 Summer Olympics. The host city will be selected in October.
For real? Are you seriously just taking random bits of trivia from the Chicago Wikipedia page? Do you even remember what you’re talking about? Are we even still on the subject of “reasons to nuke Chicago”?
Sure, not everyone here wants the Olympics in our kick ass city, but to call in the nukes to stop it? And isn’t the government the one trying to sell this city to the Olympic decision makers? If we nuke Chicago, that would take us out of the running. Don’t we want to bomb out competition instead?
I’m going to say the Olympics point is a great reason not to nuke Chicago.
–Illinois Lottery drawings are held at 9:22 p.m.
Is that how they pick dates for when to bomb a city? By the time the lotto numbers are drawn? Because there’s also a drawing at 12:40 p.m. Does that mean that they might also nuke on December 30, 2010? Because 30+10=40?
And if drawing the numbers at 9:22 is a good enough reason to nuke an entire fucking city, I… I just… I don’t know what to say.
–9/11 occurred during President Bush’s first year in office; President Obama is currently in his first year in office.
Maybe that’s because they do these things every 8 years. The math works out that way. So what I need to know is whether they want to attack during a president’s first year or if it’s an 8 year cycle.
And why did they choose to bomb in February for Clinton and September for Bush and Obama?
–September 22nd is the 265th day of the year and is followed by the final 100 days of the year.
Oh right… 100 days left in the year. That’s when you start thinking about how much vacation time you still have left to use before January and that you need to start using up your nukes or your department is going to lose nuke funding for next year.
So what else? Nothing. That’s it. That’s the entire case. That is every bullet point. That is every argument. I have quoted 922warning.com in its entirety.
With all this compelling evidence, I still don’t understand a motive… other than not wanting to bring international synchronized swimmers onto Michigan Avenue. I think there are better, cheaper and easier ways to keep them out… like paying Mayor Daley off to withdraw our bid? Or paying the Olympic committee to choose another city? Or sending in assholes to make Chicago seem wholly unappealing. Destroying the third largest city in the country seems like a less than elegant solution.
Or is it just that it’s been 8 years so it’s time to blow some shit up?
Sadly, somewhere someone thinks this is a legitimate case for believing that Chicago is getting nuked today. And someone else agrees.
After yesterday, I’m really worn out. Planning your demise is hard work, really. So today, I say whatever. Check in with me tomorrow and see if we’re nuked. If we are, someone needs to throw a naked keg party in my honor.