Did you know that wet dreams, morning erections and arousal itself are caused by ghosts?

Forget what biology tells us, or what you learnt in the schoolyard; Dr Narek Helms will re-educate you in his peer-reviewed Supernatural Sex.

Dr Narek HelmsHowever, the dashing Dr Narek Helms is actually me. Yes, I submitted a patently ridiculous article to the believer site Haunted America Tours and they published it, uncritically.

Dr Narek Helms is a Deepak Chopra on Viagra, and waxes academic about sex and the afterlife.

It all began when I wrote a review of an article about rectal ghosts for the Skepbitch blog, and a reader implied that the joke might be on us instead. I still think that the article was legitimate, and sadly indicative of existing beliefs.

At any rate, the joke is indeed now on Haunted America Tours…

Karen Stollznow

Karen Stollznow

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27 Comments

  1. Profile photo of maggie
    August 22, 2009 at 8:54 pm —

    You are so awesome. *laughing my ass off*

  2. Profile photo of Steve Thoms
    August 22, 2009 at 9:18 pm —

    I believe the proper term is “Epic Win”?

  3. Profile photo of gregladen
    August 22, 2009 at 9:20 pm —

    Niiice… the ghosts are pwned, totally sokaled. Nice work.

  4. Profile photo of Knurl
    August 22, 2009 at 9:22 pm —

    This is incredible. And hilariously wonderful on so many levels. It crossed my mind quite some time ago that someone should try pulling a stunt like on the wooish ones. To to my knowledge you are the first to do so, at least successfully.

    Therefore, by the powers vested in me by my cat Loki, I hereby grant the first ever Knurl Knarlssen Award for Excellence in Skeptical Action.

  5. Profile photo of Jodi
    August 22, 2009 at 9:28 pm —

    This is so awesome. You definitely rock!
    I have to go show this to everyone now.

  6. Profile photo of Knurl
    August 22, 2009 at 9:37 pm —

    @Jodi: Yes! I’ll be going with this for quite some time. I feel so good now that I might even get a Gravitar.

  7. Profile photo of glanceaskance
    August 22, 2009 at 9:38 pm —

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at your success.

    I was thinking that it’s not possible that there are people who can’t see through the idiocy, lack of logic, dubiousness of the photos, and sheer outrageousness of the claims.

    But then I read (skimmed, actually), “THE VERY REAL AND HAUNTED ZOMBIE DOLL” article on the site, and realized that you have nothing on your competition.

    If only they allowed reader comments…

  8. Profile photo of Steve Thoms
    August 22, 2009 at 9:43 pm —

    What I also like about this, is how poor the writing is. “I am a specialist expert in this area of supernatural sex.” BAHAHA!!!

    Not only did they publish it uncritically, but also, apparently, without an editor or quality control.

  9. Profile photo of jenigray
    August 22, 2009 at 9:58 pm —

    “genital leg”

    HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..! *falls off chair*

  10. Profile photo of frenchy
    August 22, 2009 at 10:02 pm —

    I wake up with ghosts in my pants almost every morning……

  11. Profile photo of laurae
    August 22, 2009 at 10:09 pm —

    so that’s where those stains come from… it all makes sense now… my genital leg has a ghost….

  12. Profile photo of Michael Critz
    August 22, 2009 at 10:30 pm —

    First off, kudos for such a great hoax.

    If you weren’t concerned about journalistic ethics, you could create false letterheads, fake web sites, even use Google Voice or Skype to create a fake phone line.

    Think about it for next time.

  13. Profile photo of containscaffeine
    August 22, 2009 at 10:33 pm —

    That is amazing. You have to wonder if Haunted America Tours actually are believers, or just cashing in on anything that sounds like it might sell to the gullible public.

  14. Profile photo of llewelly
    August 22, 2009 at 10:44 pm —

    As a grammar pedant, I feel the need to correct the following sentence:

    But they find sex with living people to be more better enhanced.

    It should be corrected as follows:

    But they find sex with living people to be more bestest gooder enhanced.

    Thank you.

  15. Profile photo of James Fox
    August 23, 2009 at 12:33 am —

    For the anal ghost: “A quicker form of the dry enema ghost removal utilizes the injection of a small amount of water-based lubricant such as K-Y that is blessed and administered directly into the rectum via a non-hypodermic syringe, such as an oral syringe, or from some other source. My husband usually does this for 5 days after any ghost encounter he has as a precaution. ”

    Soooooo funny!

  16. Profile photo of Aaron
    August 23, 2009 at 12:43 am —

    Wet dreams and ghosts? Why does “I’ve been slimed!” come immediately to mind?

    Also, props for the “It doesn’t work, but when it does…” line! And I love that Dr Narek Helms *almost* has his PhD in naturopathy! Fantastisch!

  17. Profile photo of zaphod900
    August 23, 2009 at 1:32 am —

    Narek:

    You are my hero! Great piece of work! Loved the bad grammer and unfocused sentences.

    Thanks for many belly laughs.

    Nairb Trah

  18. Profile photo of QuestionAuthority
    August 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm —

    You owe me a new monitor – Mine is covered in coffee now! :-D

    Absolutely hysterical! How can I get some of that “supernatural sex?” LOL

  19. Profile photo of rkh10
    August 23, 2009 at 12:54 pm —

    Did you find the pictures somewhere or make them yourself? How did you get the orbs where you wanted?

  20. Profile photo of Bookitty
    August 23, 2009 at 2:40 pm —

    Hysterical! And it reads so true to form.

    After your “Sex While Ghosthunting” article, I’ve been poking around the internet trying to see what less skeptical opinions are out there. (For entertainment purposes, only.) Another few days, I would have discovered this and forwarded the link here. Awkward!

  21. Profile photo of kittynh
    August 24, 2009 at 12:58 am —

    wait wait, your ghosts have to get in line.

    My aliens are the sex fiends!!

  22. Profile photo of idoubtit
    August 24, 2009 at 7:53 am —

    I TOLD you that site was freaking me out. The high contrast and excessive blinking just screams credibility.

  23. Profile photo of exarch
    August 24, 2009 at 8:43 am —

    My non-supernatural browser seems incapable of properly displaying that link … ?

  24. Profile photo of Rebecca Watson
    August 24, 2009 at 10:09 am —

    Karen, I’m a bit late to comment but this post is made of win. WIN. Hilarious.

  25. Profile photo of Karen Stollznow
    August 24, 2009 at 3:12 pm —

    Argh! They took the article down!

    Anyway, I saved the web page for posterity, and the whole article appears on Skepbitch:

    http://skepbitch.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/paranormal-punkd/

  26. Profile photo of Brian
    August 24, 2009 at 6:19 pm —

    Fantastic! LMAO But yeah, it looks like they caught on at last. Good on ya.

  27. Profile photo of Garrison22
    August 27, 2009 at 10:19 am —

    Excellent! I was laughing until my sides hurt. Then I went to the website in question and looked at their disclaimer and found this (in tiny print):

    “This site is for entertainment value only.”

    That’s all they need to get away with posting articles like yours without any consequences. Interesting that they removed your article after finding out about the “hoax” (I guess). Another priceless quote from their disclaimer is:

    “Haunted American Tours.com is a ghost tour information site; our information is only as reliable as readers’ contributed ghost and haunted reports. We assume no credit for your adventures, and accept no liability for your misadventures. Use common sense.”

    I especially love the inclusion of “use common sense.” Priceless! Clearly the credulous folks reading this sight and accepting this bullshit have very little common sense to begin with, so they need to be reminded.

    Good on ya, Karen!

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