Afternoon InquisitionRandom Asides

Afternoon Inquisition 5.28

I apologize, but I’m really pressed for time today, and I know the Chicks are all busy as well, so I couldn’t bring myself to ask one of them to take today’s Afternoon Inquisition for me.

So in lieu of a more thoughtful, sciency Inquisition, and in the interest of keeping things light and fluffy, I’m simply going to list my thoughts the instant they pop into my head, and hope you’ll play along:

  1. I like Pop Tarts as a snack.
  2. Dude, why do so many people say “Dude”?
  3. The day Vonnegut died was a sad day.
  4. I like junk food, but despise junk mail.
  5. Are there any living Flappers?
  6. Connie Go-Lightly on the torched skillet (????).
  7. Stupid people are prolific breeders.
  8. I either admire Al Gore or want to kick him in the nards.
  9. I got the Rear Speaker Blues.
  10. Many female news anchors are attractive.
  11. All the pot smokers I know lipton cutie monster fragrant bubble.
  12. Hold that tiger.
  13. I don’t own any purple clothing.

What random thought/non sequitur is bouncing around in your head right now? And now? How ’bout now? What about right now?  . . . Now? . . .

(Oh, and let the psycho-analysis begin.)

Sam Ogden

Sam Ogden is a writer, beach bum, and songwriter living in Houston, Texas, but he may be found scratching himself at many points across the globe. Follow him on Twitter @SamOgden

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106 Comments

  1. I love weed, hate almost every pothead I know.

    Diet Coke is awesome, I don’t give the slightest fuck about the number of calories and I hate all other sodas.

    Happy Hardcore started to suck around 1999, 2000

  2. The bitch hit me with a toaster

    I know all Republican’s aren’t morons but why are the morons the only ones that get air time?

    Why do I have two opened bottles of water on my desk?

    Zombies!

    I’m not really going to die alone and miserable, am I?

    There has to be a better way to get the world to see just how awsome I am.

    Going to do improv tonight note to self be funny.

  3. Why is my internet connection so slow today? Why did some douchebag leave a note on my car about a bush that is not in my yard? How many loads of laundry do I still have left to do? Is the iPhone really all that and will I miss my crackberry? Yeah, that guy from Ice Road Truckers is sexy in a survivalist way.

  4. Have to check out that IT job at the college and get out of this corporate one.

    Also, go back to school.

    Mmmm, wife’s making chicken fingers tonight!

    She is sooooo cute! (The wife that is.)

    I’m going to be late getting home tonight.

  5. Why was I such an idiot this morning when I swiped that stupid trash can with my right side mirror? Stupid fucking mirror won’t go back on, stupid fucking mirror. *grumbles*

    That has been my thought since abut 6:30am.

    Also, now: “I got waaay too much food at Arby’s. Why do I do that? I never eat it all!”

    And mmmm root beer.

  6. Boobies, man I love boobies. Why am I always thinking about boobies. Ooh, she has such pert and cute little boobies. Wow she has huge boobies. I think I have a problem.

    This ice coffee is pretty tasty.

    oh my head hurts so bad. how did this migraine sneak up on me. Why don’t I keep imitrex in my desk at work.

    You tube is so cool. Just watched the TOS man trap at lucnh. Cool.

    Boobies

    Oil and gas accounting is tough

    head hurts so bad, think I’m gonna spew

    pain

    [pain

    feeling lightheaded from pain

    hurts

    hmm, if I rest my chin on my chest it lessens the pain I’m feeling

    no, that stoped working

    I love watching the boobies walk past my window

    I love women, just love them, fat or skinny, athletic or arty, short, tall, just as long as they aren’t dumb.

    love em, the smell, look, smile, just being around women is great

    pain

    hurt
    pain
    headaches suck
    fucking migraine
    boobies

  7. I wonder what that pain in my stomach is. Oh, never mind, it’s from eating too much for dinner just now. So why do I feel like drinking a big glass of soda? Oh, Boston Legal is on. Gotta go. Denny Crane.

  8. Oh, where to start? It sometimes seems like my entire thought process consists of one part of the brain spewing random rubbish while a second part of the brain frantically tries to pick out the relevant bits and a third part of the brain takes what’s left and figures out if it’s worth posting online.

    Something like this, overlayed (currently) with “Fascination” by Human League on an endless loop: origami paper airplane spacetime bubble watch out for that bus coffee filter prom dress that mockingbird sounds like a lovebird mouldy Stilton Mr Flibble Linux ice cream

  9. Damn it, everyone said what I was thinking, now I’ve got nuthin’.

    Boobies… but only because Gabriel mentioned it… yeahhhhhh.

    Man I need to be working on my painting.

    Man I hope I can get the idea for my painting to work.

    Man I hope that if I make my idea work I don’t muck it up with lousy or mediocre execution.

    I’m glad spell check corrected mediocre for me

    Even if it is lousy or mediocre I’ll learn something and that’s good because art is a journey.

    You say that to all the mediocre painters don’t you.

    Yes I do.

  10. …and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

  11. My grandmother was a flapper

    I miss my grandmother

    she told the best ghost story ever

    she was tiny

    Kitten is named after her

    I miss my grandmother

    My grandfather was pretty cool also

    Ok, now I feel sad….

    [IMG]http://i358.photobucket.com/albums/oo28/kittynh/grandmotherbettertwo.jpg[/IMG]

  12. Yes, it is like twitter. crap.

    I have boobies.

    And no, the cold your kid has isn’t swine flu, altho my kid could have had swine flu since there was a confirmed case of it in my husband’s office, but he never got it.

    Now I have the image of Homer Simpson drooling say braaainnnnsss in my head.

    what the fuck?

  13. Why are people willing to kill over things that can’t be proven, but not over things that can? When was the last time someone blew someone up over whether it was a moose or a cat?

    Why do we debate if Al Gore was right about global warming, but never say he was right about Iraq?

    Do men really think about sx every 6-8 seconds? What counts as a thought about it?

    When do you need help, and not just crazy like everyone else?

    Why are business hours about 8a-5p? Why are they all the same, why not off set them, some 8-5, some 7-4, some 9-6?

    Why are you called skeptical if you doubt something, even if there’s a lot of evidence to the contrary, but skeptics are willing to accept something if there is a lot of evidence for it?

    What is the difference between a skeptic and a cynic?

    Why does Will Ferrel still have a carreer, every character is a carbon copy of the last?

    What ever happened to good comedies, where you actually have humor, as opposed to awkward situations?

    Why was Full House on the air for that long?

    Bob Saget, how did he pull off his stage personas? Really, who saw that coming?

    The children’s shows we watched growing up, would they be appropriate for children now?

    What if you’re grown up, and still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up?

    If you heard someone say whiskey tango foxtrot, would you know what they meant?

    Why do I say whiskey tango foxtrot, but not lima oscar lima?

    did the lima bean come from peru, or did the lima bean go to peru?

    Did we get the term grim from the grimm brothers, did they take the name because it sounded better than the smith brothers, or are they unrelated?

  14. @MiddleMan: I have somewhere around 2500 DVD’s so there’s always a movie quote floating around in there.

    “So that happened.”

    “They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they’ve all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? “I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?”

    Must remember to smog my Jeep

    I think my cat is tasting me while I sleep.

    Is my addiction to NPR a sign that I’m getting old? Because I’ve been listening since high school.

    Boobies

  15. @infinitemonkey: I’ve seen Bob Saget live. He “yelled” at my date when my date got up to use the bathroom. It was rather hilarious. Bog Saget is hilarious. Also, very tall.

    Re: Children’s shows: I believe the 1st season DVD of Sesame Street comes with a warning saying it is not for children. LOL.

  16. Why did I stay in bed until 2 this afternoon?

    Remember to take student academic progress to financial aid so I don’t have to deal with this bullshit for the third time. My GPA is .02 away from letting me get back into the art program. Can’t they just accept me back in after I went back home to Riverton and graduated with my associate’s of art with a 3.0 GPA?

    Take application to library for a job. God fucking damn I need a job.

    I need to start a drawing this weekend. What should I draw?

  17. @infinitemonkey: You know, I’ve seen a human egg cell upclose when I went to Body Worlds in 2006. That would be a pretty damn representation.

    And another thing or two.

    I’ve never understood University of Wyoming’s beef with Colorado State University. However, I am all for the burning down of Brigham Young University. Fuck them and they’re beautiful Mormon women. Shit, I’d even drive the first bus full of angry Wyomingites to Utah, even though I can’t drive a stick XD

    One day, there were a couple of anally religious demonstrators or whatever out at Prexy’s Pasture at UW. I really wanted to steal the guy’s sign, but I had a bunch of stuff with me and didn’t know anyone, because if I did, I was not coming back for fear that guy would smash me with his guitar. Then at some point another student stood on one of the rocks and starting saying some bizarre shit while reading the Bible aloud upside down. The only thing he said that I can remember is “why are lesbians better carpenters than men?” and went on about how it was not just Adam and Steve, but also Eve and Ruth and about their bisexual adventures through Eden. At one point, the weird Jesus freak guy made some comment that we were all going to be riding the bus to Hell. One lady replied “sweet! I’ll even drive the bus!” and someone she knew I guess joked “you’re a Jew you’re riding the short bus” but it was funny in a horrible way. I just thought I’d share this random memory with Skepchick. I even have photographic evidence of the event!

    http://starman.nucleardog.com/Tolerance.jpg

    I’m the fucktard on the far right.

  18. Is it ever okay to be the “gad guy”?
    How can I get more people to read my blog/
    Why do I want more people to read my blog?
    Why aren’t more people reading and talking about this: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/29/world/asia/29korea.html?em
    I am so glad this month is almost over.
    Why haven’t I gotten a PG and E bill yet this month?
    Will they be able to fix my windows this afternoon?
    Do my boobies look good in this sweater?
    Why do I want my boobies to look good in this sweater?
    Must write response to crappy science article before bed
    Must also work on draft of short story
    And do laundry
    My laundry room is creepy.

  19. I really love this AI topic

    Tanks middleman, I often marvel at other folks’ handles, yours included.

    I wish scanning images didn’t seem so tedious to me.

    I guess I could at least turn on the scanner.

    Oh hey look, I like what infinitemonkey said to sean. tee hee.

    I’m putting of this scanning business aren’t I.

    Yeah.

    Up Up and Awaaaaaaaaaaay!

  20. headache is starting to come under control. I love science.

    now the pain is still there but it is very far away and wrapped in wet wool blankets. I’m nauseous from the pain but I can still function.

    Gonna make fettucini carbanora for dinner.

    women are so pretty

    except for that ugly hooker over there she aint pretty.

    poor lady, how did she end up doing that? that makes me really sad.

    I hope Elyse is okay. That makes me really sad. Cried over that. So sad.

    I hope Kaylia is okay, she made me cry too.

    now I’m in a sad loop.

    hate those

    get out of it think of something happy

    boobies
    boobies are happy

    love the new skinny ties I got at Kohls for super cheap

    wish Kohls had clothes for tall men, I would save so much on my suits if they did

    damn I like dressing sharp

    would wear suits all the time if I could afford it

    almost time to go home

  21. I’ve been so busy this week at work I could bare get my head above water to post here.

    Why do kids (mine) love Care Bears so much?

    Waiting for my work to replace this stupid Moto Q with an iPhone.

    Daytime TeeVee is so bad. Really really bad.

    Tacos for dinner.

    Didn’t even check out twitter today.

  22. Where’s science when you need it? Why can we figure out the mysteries of the universe, but we can’t solve the questions that have been plaguing humanity for years? Is there a scientific way to find a person who’s compatable with with you, or is it all luck? Is it possible to be one of those few people who will never find true love? Is there REALLY true love, or something along the lines of “being with you is better than not”? Or is being alone sometimes just a result of not trying hard enough?

  23. Oh crap, I’m getting laid off in a few months. This is horrible, what am I gonna do? My life is meaningless without work! I’ll have nothing to do all day! I won’t be able to afford day care. Hmmm…if I don’t have a job, I won’t need day care. If my kid isn’t in daycare, I’ll spend my days taking care of him. What shall we do? I could take him to the beach…the zoo…the museum. Hmmm…the museum…maybe I could work as a volunteer at the museum. That would be fun. I like to learn and it would be cool to teach people things. Better yet, maybe I could go back to school. I love psychology…yeah…go back to school study psychology. That would be awesome. Yes, this is great. Getting laid off will be the best thing ever! Yay!

  24. @LadyMitris: Heh – that’s pretty much what I went through when I was fired (after 21 years at a horrible job): I was absolutely devastated, for about an hour and a half. Then after another hour and a half, I was looking up nearby colleges and I was on my way.

  25. Oh man, here goes my ADD mind at this very moment: could I build a titanium aardvark that would be powered by aluminum and thus end the problem with recycling but at the same time instantly create a massive army of robotic aardvarks that would then take over the world. So then would I have to create a much larger creature out of a much stronger metal alloy to battle the said robotic aardvarks thus creating robo-geddon? After the robo-geddon is finished and the metal seals (which is what I just thought would be good, as they can be super-computers that bounce balls on their noses) win, the metal seals will no longer find a use for going on (as since the metal seals only ate aluminum, they would eventually power down). I completely lost my train of thought on where this was going because my washer started making loud noises which then frightened the cat which then caused me to stop mid-sentence which then made me ponder how sunny the skies are which then made me want to watch Aspen Extreme again which then made me end this comment. ~

  26. Man, I should have not have drank 3 beers and peeked in your heads.

    I think I’m getting fat, not america fat, maybe french fat, still.

    is getting drunk 5 nights a week the beginning of alcholism, if I wanted to have just 1 beer a night could I do it? But I don’t just want one beer a night, maybe I need a hobby, I already have that one, homebrewing, maybe I need a different hobby?

    Blah, apartment living sucks, nothing to do, I guess I’ll go and do the dishes.

  27. @kittynh: I do believe I’ve just seen a GILF.
    That might not have been a welcome comment.
    Screw it, I’ve done worse.
    That X-men movie was really stabby.
    And a good distraction for the crying girl at my door.
    I, too, love boobies.
    ‘specially hers.
    Now I’m thinking about George Carlin writing that he regrets never having sex with a grief-stricken woman. I should try that.
    Tears could make good lube, if you’re in to skull-fucking.
    I love Full Metal Jacket.

  28. @Merkuto: Every day 2 GILFS smile at me, one puts her hand on my shoulder and asks me how I’m doing.

    One is 38, her son was born when she was 20, son had his first when he was 18.

    the other is ???, She has laugh lines, and a slightly lined face, yet has a firm body, grey hair and perky breasts, dresses like she’s 60, carries it like she’s 20. White teeth, but she brushes them after lunch, Who brushes their teeth after lunch?? How old is this women??

  29. skepticalhippie:

    Can I eat your extra fat and absorb your power or essence… blah, nevermind I’m a vegetarian. So many avenues of power closed to me.

    How funny “The Atheist’s Way” is on my list, after I finish God Delusion.

    If Atheist’s Way has any tips on gaining the power of others that’s vegi friendly let me know.

    My cat is nagging me … again.

  30. The word “Dude” will never go out of style as far as I’m concerned. But then, I tend to substitute the word “Boss” for “Cool” in casual conversation, mostly because it irritates people. I’ve also had the song “Running on Empty” by Jackson Browne stuck in my head for the past few days.

  31. I must get the syllabi done for my summer classes.

    Car insurance, must get new car insurance.

    Have I got everything ready for Nationals? Not at home. Dog needs boarding, mail must be stopped.

    Hotel for July, got to call them tomorrow.

    Training manual needs to be updated.

    I could use a drink, can I have one with these antibiotics?

    Too much work, not enough life.

  32. Okay I tried not to be influenced by the other posts before I got to it so here goes:

    Why is porn bad but violence good
    eschewed is a hard word to rhyme
    hot buttered rum is yummy
    What the hell am I going to do with the Libyans
    “ach, yer hummin’ me balls”
    I still have to get ready for the road trip
    Why.. why didn’t you get that womans name?
    Ack.. the cat just threw up.. I’m done.

  33. I’m a damn fine cook

    my fettucini carbanora was delicious

    I bet the chicken soup I’m making tomorrow will rock but it won’t rock as hard as the pork wellington I will make on Sunday.

    I love to cook

    I love to eat good food

    Does a martini count as more than one drink?

    I thought the g in gilf stood for guy

    my head finally stopped hurting about 30 minutes ago

    I wish my wife liked sex half as much as I did.

    I would have loved to find a woman who liked sex as much as I do but they probably don’t exist.

    Always feel so damn weird after one of those terrible headaches.

    You can tell that Kari Byron is pregnant on Mythbusters, that’s great, I was afraid that they might try to hide it. I wish they would do an episoide on anti vax, I don’t know how they would approach it but I wish they could figure out a way too.

    Love iron chef america

    love good eats

    think I’ll go look at facebook see if anyone is trying to flirt with me

    Steph would be pissed if someone wsa flirting with me

    flirting is fun, makes me feel young, and attractive

    damn I feel so fat and unattractive

    I used to be so damn fine, tall, lean and tight hard muscles,

    now I just look like other men

    hate that

    wonder if the girl at the bookstore was hitting on me

    she was cute and had really pretty eyes

    feel old

    only 37

    is that old

    feels like it

    tired

    old

    tired

  34. Really? Honestly? Right now?
    I’m a bit OCD, and ADD, I think.
    There’s not going to be much variety to this…
    Did I screw up that date last night?
    She hasn’t responded to my last text at all.
    Was it even a date?
    We didn’t really say whether or not that was a date.
    Is she really going to break up with her boyfriend or am I just an idiot?
    I think I might be an idiot.
    I was warned by someone else about her, but I just figured that she might be “misunderstood.”
    Why do I keep on getting myself into these situations?

  35. I should have gone to bed sober and before 2.30am – work today will be a chore

    I wonder why the water from the tap in my office kitchen tastes worse than anything else in the whole world. Ever.

    I think I reached the end of my box of cereal, and I feel very slightly saddened whenever I have milk that goes bad before I finish it.

  36. @sarahcookson: I prefer to think of it as a vivid example of why telepathy is a bad idea. This is what you’d be picking up unless you could read deep thoughts and had a sophisticated parsing system that could separate the important thoughts from the “Why are my armpits so sweaty?”

  37. @Gabrielbrawley: “I would have loved to find a woman who liked sex as much as I do but they probably don’t exist.”

    They exist, trust. I had to dump someone ‘cuz he couldn’t keep up with me. :( (It was more than just sex drive….) We’re still friends though. :o)

    And 37 IS NOT OLD! I’m 28 and 37 is just about perfect for dating, tbh. Actually, I have a date with a 44 year old man on Sat…he’s cool. Maybe he can keep up with me?

    Random thought: I need to date more girls. They smell nice.

  38. @marilove: I’m married and love my wife, we get along and I like her companionship but damn I miss sex. I’ve never been able to get enough, never feel sated, always want more. Yes porn is awesome but the most awesome is the homemade variety. I much perfer real people having real sex over porn people having porn sex. I’m just weird that way.

    @tiger kitty: I would love to see that. I see it right now in my head and it is a great show. to continue if you want [email protected] or not.

    @marilove: an awesome dream.

  39. @tiger kitty: I have big boobs so I prefer small and perky (but really, all boobs are awesome). Kelly Clarkson is like, my perfect woman: Curvy, adorable, awesome ass, and small perky boobs. Srsly, I want to eat her up. Pervy Pun totally intended.

    @Gabrielbrawley: Yes, boobs are great, no matter what. BOOOOOBIES.

    Ok, skepchick.org has an unhealthy obsession with boobies, methinks.

  40. @Soresport:

    You got it!, I can identify with the Martin Blank character… well not the contract killing part but the not being a part of anything and being in a constant state of self examination. Still chances are if I show up at your door you did something to bring me there.

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