It’s a holiday so my mind is on vacation (which is a total cop-out since I’m unemployed and really it’s pretty much just another day, but with my husband home.) So today I’m giving you the opportunity to answer whatever question you’d like.
Is there a question that you have a brilliant/interesting/snarky answer to but no one ever asks you, or maybe you just don’t get asked enough? Answer that question now! We all want to hear what you have to say. Feel free to include (or not) the question you are answering.
A: “No, under the circumstances I happen to feel that my nudity was entirely appropriate.”
I don’t know what the question would be, but I’ve always wanted to answer with, “Well, if you go rock climbing, that will solve the problem you’re having.”
A: “No, but feel free to ask me again after you graduate.”
After somebody recommends that I try acupuncture or homeopathy or some other woo, and I say, “That doesn’t work,” then they say, “Well how do you know it doesn’t work if you don’t try it?”
I’d say, “How would I know whether it works if I did try it?”
Then I’d get to explain the post hoc logical fallacy.
A: “No, it’s not a plantain in my pocket, and I’m happy to see your sister.”
“How do you feel about being a back-up singer for Sha-Na-Na?”
“It’s a hard job but somebody’s gotta do-wop.”
“Yes, I did inhale and it was awesome.”
“No, I don’t think I have to be right most of the time.
I just happen to be right most of the time.”
Actually used this more than once.
Snarky and arrogant? Granted, but so worth it.
@MiddleMan:
along those lines:
q. You think you’re better than me?
a. Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
You’re standing there, still talking to me. That’s how I know it doesn’t work.
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@Desktop Icon: COTW
So, then I told her she could keep the 50,000 and boy, did I have a good night!
@tiger kitty: I’m not that arrogant… ;-)
A: “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard and I am going to smack your face off of your face now.”
Q: pretty much anything regarding vaccines, wheatgrass, chiropractic, acupuncture, The Secret, etc. But I’m was too p.c. for that, so I never get to answer the way I really want to.
Q. (Ask something online while misusing an apostrophe.)
A. Apostrophe doesn’t mean “look out, here comes an s!”
Actually, I do that ll the time.
Q: “So you guys are twins? Are you telepathic?”
A: “Yes. Right now he is thinking that you are an idiot”.
Most of the time I am too polite to pull that one out, but it occasionally gets an airing when I am drunk enough.
A: You see that is why I am vegetarian atheist!
@MiddleMan:
sure….. ;)
Aliens did it.
A: Jebus H. Crispix! This is the last time I’m gonna say this, the 99,999th digit of pi is 4. Not 5 you ignoramus!
This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but:
At work, whenever anyone sneezes, almost everyone says, “Bless you.”
I always say, “Gesundheit.”
Every time I say it, I’m hoping someone will ask why I say that instead of, “Bless you,” so I can say, “Because I don’t believe in God.”
“No, Obama is a liberal, not a socialist. I, on the other hand, am a socialist.”
@EdWood: I have always said “Gesundheit” after sneezes because my mother, the child of a German immigrant, did when I was growing up. When I lost my faith in gods, the practice served me well because I didn’t have to change it.
@EdWood:
I don’t say anything after people sneeze because I think it is a stupid custom.
When I sneeze I say “excuse me,” because it is disruptive.
@EdWood:
nonono – you don’t say that when they sneeze. You say, ‘Bless you!’ when they fart. When you get the quizzical looks, you tell them it makes as much sense as the other.
When people are talking too loudly, say on the train, I always want to go up to them and say, ‘Look, I’m sorry your friend is deaf…’ and when they disclaim being deaf, I’d say, ‘Then why are you shouting at him?’
@Chakolate:
My toddler says “Bless you” when people fart… and he’s very proud of himself for doing the proper and polite thing.
To avoid such future embarrassment, I’m not teaching my next kid any manners.
Q: So you think it’s okay to just kill and rape people whenever you want?
A: Of course not, atheists are way more moral than religious people. After all, we do the right thing because we actually think it’s the right thing, not because we’re scared of an omnipotent celestial bully with a sociopathic tendency to condemn people he supposedly loves to be tortured for all eternity.
I’m not bitter.
I also excuse myself when I sneeze. Go figure.
A: I can understand, given your approach to problem solving, how you might come to that conclusion. But really, it doesn’t work that way.
A. That is just wrong on so many levels.
A: And I’ve been driving a car for decades, but that doesn’t make me a mechanic.
I fix computers, so when ever someone questions my expertise or advice (usually because they’ve been “using computers for years”) I need to make that point.
A: Really? Let’s put that to the test. Go jump off that building and start praying.
A. What? No, that’s not what makes me a bitch. You’re not thinking big enough.
Honestly though I get to say that at least once a week. The thing I always, always want to say is: “I’m sorry Mrs. [Coworker], you don’t have his direct number? That’s odd. Here, let me give that to you …”
@The 327th Male: As an identical twin, I get that shit all the time and it drives me fucking batty.
It’s a classic, but no one has ever asked me: “If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?”
I have a very long drawned out answer/lecture for this, but the short version is: “No. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t HAVE to kill Hitler. Kidnap Child Hitler, bring him to our time, put him in a orphanage. A Jewish orphanage if you like irony.”
Here’s another one. This isn’t so much a question as a statement: “If you really want to see the world go to Hell, but the atheists in charge.” This has been said to me twice. First, by my then-boss. I let it go. Second by someone who WASN’T my boss. I answered: “Whereas the last 2,000 years of leadership in the West by Christian monarchs and politicians has lead to a world of peach and harmony. Oh! Wait a minute … That was in another dimension!” This was cool because I said it in a very sarcastic tone of voice and also because I got to use the word “whereas.”
PEACE and harmony, that is.
Q: Who are you to judge me? (or my beliefs, etc.)
A: Who do I need to be?
I hope I get an opportunity to say that, just once at least!
@Chakolate: Actually, around our house I do say “Gesundheit” to belches and farts. Sometimes I do it outside of the family, and I get strange looks.
“How was your university experience?”
“I was sleep-deprived, but not on Sundays.”
I’m going to answer a slightly different question. You know how sometimes after a situation you realize what you should have said? That’s the story I want to tell.
I grew up in South Carolina, and back in high school I won some sort of math-science award that led to a photo-op with our Congressional Representative, Floyd Spence. My mom went with me to his office downtown. When we walked in, he looked at us, and said something to the effect of, and I kid you not, “You brought your mother, who is a woman! And you’re a woman! I like women. All of my sons married women.” My mother and I were like guppies gasping for air. Unfortunately, he died of a heart attack about six months later, depriving me of the opportunity to vote against him.
About five or six years later, I called my mom to tell her I had finally come up with the appropriate response: “Really?! I like women too! And maybe someday I’ll find one to marry as well!”
@mollishka: Dammit, I wish you posted that earlier, because I so want to nominate that as COTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!