Afternoon Inquisition

Afternoon Inquisition 5.25.09

It’s a holiday so my mind is on vacation (which is a total cop-out since I’m unemployed and really it’s pretty much just another day, but with my husband home.) So today I’m giving you the opportunity to answer whatever question you’d like.

Is there a question that you have a brilliant/interesting/snarky answer to but no one ever asks you, or maybe you just don’t get asked enough? Answer that question now! We all want to hear what you have to say. Feel free to include (or not) the question you are answering.

Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. After somebody recommends that I try acupuncture or homeopathy or some other woo, and I say, “That doesn’t work,” then they say, “Well how do you know it doesn’t work if you don’t try it?”

    I’d say, “How would I know whether it works if I did try it?”

    Then I’d get to explain the post hoc logical fallacy.

  2. “No, I don’t think I have to be right most of the time.

    I just happen to be right most of the time.”

    Actually used this more than once.

    Snarky and arrogant? Granted, but so worth it.

  3. A: “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard and I am going to smack your face off of your face now.”
    Q: pretty much anything regarding vaccines, wheatgrass, chiropractic, acupuncture, The Secret, etc. But I’m was too p.c. for that, so I never get to answer the way I really want to.

  4. Q: “So you guys are twins? Are you telepathic?”

    A: “Yes. Right now he is thinking that you are an idiot”.

    Most of the time I am too polite to pull that one out, but it occasionally gets an airing when I am drunk enough.

  5. This isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but:

    At work, whenever anyone sneezes, almost everyone says, “Bless you.”

    I always say, “Gesundheit.”

    Every time I say it, I’m hoping someone will ask why I say that instead of, “Bless you,” so I can say, “Because I don’t believe in God.”

  6. @EdWood: I have always said “Gesundheit” after sneezes because my mother, the child of a German immigrant, did when I was growing up. When I lost my faith in gods, the practice served me well because I didn’t have to change it.

  7. When people are talking too loudly, say on the train, I always want to go up to them and say, ‘Look, I’m sorry your friend is deaf…’ and when they disclaim being deaf, I’d say, ‘Then why are you shouting at him?’

  8. Q: So you think it’s okay to just kill and rape people whenever you want?
    A: Of course not, atheists are way more moral than religious people. After all, we do the right thing because we actually think it’s the right thing, not because we’re scared of an omnipotent celestial bully with a sociopathic tendency to condemn people he supposedly loves to be tortured for all eternity.

    I’m not bitter.

  9. A: And I’ve been driving a car for decades, but that doesn’t make me a mechanic.

    I fix computers, so when ever someone questions my expertise or advice (usually because they’ve been “using computers for years”) I need to make that point.

  10. A. What? No, that’s not what makes me a bitch. You’re not thinking big enough.

    Honestly though I get to say that at least once a week. The thing I always, always want to say is: “I’m sorry Mrs. [Coworker], you don’t have his direct number? That’s odd. Here, let me give that to you …”

  11. It’s a classic, but no one has ever asked me: “If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler?”

    I have a very long drawned out answer/lecture for this, but the short version is: “No. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t HAVE to kill Hitler. Kidnap Child Hitler, bring him to our time, put him in a orphanage. A Jewish orphanage if you like irony.”

  12. Here’s another one. This isn’t so much a question as a statement: “If you really want to see the world go to Hell, but the atheists in charge.” This has been said to me twice. First, by my then-boss. I let it go. Second by someone who WASN’T my boss. I answered: “Whereas the last 2,000 years of leadership in the West by Christian monarchs and politicians has lead to a world of peach and harmony. Oh! Wait a minute … That was in another dimension!” This was cool because I said it in a very sarcastic tone of voice and also because I got to use the word “whereas.”

  13. I’m going to answer a slightly different question. You know how sometimes after a situation you realize what you should have said? That’s the story I want to tell.

    I grew up in South Carolina, and back in high school I won some sort of math-science award that led to a photo-op with our Congressional Representative, Floyd Spence. My mom went with me to his office downtown. When we walked in, he looked at us, and said something to the effect of, and I kid you not, “You brought your mother, who is a woman! And you’re a woman! I like women. All of my sons married women.” My mother and I were like guppies gasping for air. Unfortunately, he died of a heart attack about six months later, depriving me of the opportunity to vote against him.

    About five or six years later, I called my mom to tell her I had finally come up with the appropriate response: “Really?! I like women too! And maybe someday I’ll find one to marry as well!”

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