Random Asides

If you give a Shamwow pitchman some money…

If you give Headset Vince some money,

he’ll want to spend it on a fancy hotel room

When he gets to his hotel room,

he’ll feel happy and want to celebrate,

so you’ll take him clubbing.

At the club, he’ll dance . . .

. . . and have some drinks . . .

. . . and talk to girls.

One of those girls will be a hooker.

0327092sham2

He’ll buy her a few drinks . . .

. . . and she’ll offer to show him a good time in his hotel room.

He’ll pay her $1000 and take her back to the hotel.

Once they get to the hotel, they’ll start to have a good time.

They’ll drink a little champagne . . .

. . . and he’ll try to kiss her.

When he tries to kiss her, she’ll bite his tongue.

To get her to stop biting, he’ll punch the hooker in the face.

She’ll punch back then run away.

The police will come . . .

. . . and arrest the ShamWow guy and the hooker.

0327092sham1awm

Then everyone will have to go to jail.

So you’ll have to go to the jail to bail him out.

Once he’s out, he’ll see some pretty girls.

They’ll remind him of the club he was at the night before.

He’ll remember the hotel room . . .

. . . and convince you to give him more money.

If you who haven’t heard, Vice Offer (aka ShamWow Guy, Slapchop Guy or Headset Vince) was arrested early Thursday morning for punching a hooker in his hotel room.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about Headset Vince. I told you that he’s not just the ShamWow pitchman, but an up and coming superhero. He not only invented ShamWow, he is selling them to raise money to fight the Church of Scientology.

I also told you that he was using all the profits from the sale of Shamwows to fund his fight against them. I don’t know if that’s still true. Maybe it is. I mean, he certainly has overhead costs. Some of those costs include paying his employees… and he is one of his own employees. It’s only fair that he pays himself some sort of living wage. And in this economy, part of that wage absolutely must provide for $750 hotel rooms and $1000 prostitutes. Right?

And no matter how many of those hotel rooms and hooker nights go exactly as planned, sometimes, as Vince knows from working in customer service and sales, transactions can go awry… and end up in the news… and embarrass the people trying to convince the world that Vince is a good guy.

Right now, there is no official “her side of the story” from Sasha Harris, the young lady with whom Vince sought biblical relations that evening. She refused to answer police or media questions, except to say that she is considering filing a lawsuit against our beloved enemy of Scientology.

Vince’s side of the story is that he was at a social gathering establishment where he met a comely young lady. After some conversation, she invited him back to his hotel room for a night cap (I believe the term the kids are using these days is “straight sex, $1000”). Enchanted, awestruck and hypnotized by her beauty, he handed her a giant stack of $20 bills.hookers

His hotel room became like the Garden of Eden, only Vince was Eve, and the beautiful young temptress was both the serpent and the fruit. She beckoned him to taste her sweet lips. When he did, she tried to bite his fucking tongue off so he punched her in the face repeatedly until she let go.

At this point, there’s not enough information to pass any judgment on whether Vince was in the right or in the wrong. It’s not really okay to go around punching hookers in the face, but I’m definitely in favor of punching people wherever necessary if they are using their teeth to amputate parts of your face. It’s a self defence move I will now dub the ChopSlap.

What I do know:

  • Vince was taken to the hospital and treated for his injuries
  • Harris was taken to the hospital. She had “lacerations all over her face including several facial fractures”.
  • Both parties were released without being formally charged.
  • Vince was, in fact, not in a great mood all day after slapping his troubles away.

What I don’t know:

  • How to continue biting someone else’s tongue while getting your face broken
  • Harris is a Scientologist fair gaming Vince
  • Harris was hired by Billy Mays
  • Harris bit Vince because he insisted she had to “Say ‘wow’ every time”
  • Vince actually told her she was going to love his nuts
  • How to make $1000 a night in a city with an 87% foreclosure rate
  • That Miami actually has an 87% foreclosure rate

To quote Augustus Porter, my wise Facebook friend, “I say let he who has not had a drunken brawl with a hooker cast the first stone.”

Amen, Augustus; amen, bother.

Tags

Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

Related Articles

39 Comments

  1. That’s why I post masterful philosophy by an anonymous identity, for fear that the COS finds out and send a lovely hooker to bite my nads.

    As of Shamrock guy, people enshroud celebrities with attributes that sometimes they do not have and possibly do not want. Then they get burned merciless for something that has nothing to do with their accomplishments or fame.

    Particularly, what’s he to do with his money, I rather don’t care.

  2. Viiiiiiiiiiiiince, Vince, Vince, Vince…

    I trust the crime scene was spic and span by the time the police arrived?

    I don’t need a lady to come be my wife
    I don’t want a woman to share in my life
    I’m not searchin’ for a girlfriend to take out to lunch
    I’m just looking for a hooker who can take a punch

  3. I won’t say “I told you so”. For one thing, there’s no way any of us could have predicted this sort of outcome, and even then it doesn’t have very much to do with the original conversation. And, as you point out, there’s a lot about what transpired that we just don’t know, having only one side of the story.

    But I will say this: if your enemy’s enemy is your friend, you might end up surprised at who your friends are.

  4. $1000! That’s about £850 in real money! Bloody Hell whatever happened to honest-to-goodness trading on one’s fame?

    I thought the whole point of being on the telly/in a band/ in politics was so that you wouldn’t have to pay tarts any more, and that groupies would be desperate to jump into bed with you because you were famous.

    Next you’ll be telling me that ministers of state are watching porn films at the public’s expense

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7970731.stm

  5. Super humorous post! Long-time lurker, first-time commenter, etc. etc.

    I just have to make one comment about Vince being the superhero-against-Scientology and all that.

    While I do commend superheroes, and I was momentarily encouraged to go out and buy a Sham-Wow…

    But then I thought to myself, man, what a reluctant “superhero”. It seems clear he had NOT rejected Scientology through some deeply-thought-out new-found rationalization, but rather because they kicked him out. He wanted back in, desperately, and only decided to “fight” them because they wouldn’t let him back in. That sounds more like sour grapes, to me…

    …Or did I miss an important aspect of the story?

    One more point… Is it possible that Sasha Harris knew exactly who he was, and was simply trying to spare the world any more of his infomercials? If so, I think many might argue that $1000 is far too little for such a service… Not that Vince should have to pay for his own undoing, of course, because that would be just wrong…

  6. @supercheetah: Trying to imagine a brothel run by the same people who run the DMV…

    Of course, that would be government-run, not regulated. I guess regulated would be more like the restaurant inspection thing where everyone has to display their health rating on the wall. “This establishment received a score of 94% at the time of inspection”

  7. @moopet:

    1. That’s the way the free black market works

    2. The first part is a take on a series of children’s books called If You Give…

    @Peregrine:
    There’s no “i told you so” about it. I didn’t say he was a nice guy… I just said he was fighting a good fight. And that it’s a fight worth fighting. By “one of the good guys” I never meant that he wasn’t someone that punches hookers… I just meant that he works for a good cause. I’d feel better about supporting his cause if he weren’t breaking the faces of pretty girls (or ugly girls… or guys), but you don’t always get the hero that you want. (or so I’ve heard).

  8. Great post, I laughed very hard in a ‘gallows humour’ way, particularly at ‘ChopSlap’. Snork.

    There was a women in Britain recently who bit off her lover’s tongue. Perhaps it’s the new thing.

  9. I guess this just goes to show that it is hard to know just what a celebrity really is like, I don’t think there is any way at this time a balanced opinion can be made about this incident until more details surface though.

  10. I’m just glad that Vince and Sasha paired up and thus made only two people miserable instead of four.

    And now I want to see infomercials for hookers. “A $1,000 value, but if you come in the next ten minutes…”

    Camera Guy’s job would then be so much more interesting.

  11. I know you’re not supposed to kiss hookers (unless you’re dating them and then they’ll only kiss you).

    But $1000 for that chick?

    One of my exes is working PCH, these days, and she would bite you, or punch you, if you tried to kiss her. (That’s an intimate act and she usually doesn’t want to know ya. Why sucking you off is NOT an intimate act, I don’t know and she never explained. May haps I’ll just drive by and say hi…tempting…)

    But I digress.

    I mean girl’s plenty cute and all but a $1000? Around here? $100 tops ($200 for two of them). More like $20, on a slow night, if you just wanted oral.

    Not that I ever do that sort of thing.

    I’ve just heard the guys talking,

    rod

  12. well and honestly, if someone wants t hire a hooker…2 consenting adults and $1000! Geez! That’s not bad at all!

    Biting is not nice and he was probably trying to say the safe word, which is hard to say when someone is biting your tongue.

    I’m with the sham wow guy on this one. Who cares about the facts?

  13. I’m just glad that Vince and Sasha paired up and thus made only two people miserable instead of four.

    Word. I mean, word.

    While I, too have heard that some sex workers (as Rodney says) prefer not to kiss their customers, surely just saying “Hey, Vince, no kissing,” would be more appropriate than biting his tongue. That is just beyond fucked up. Not only is it bad manners, it’s an awful business practice. Everyone knows that in any client-based business you have to cultivate the repeat customers.

  14. @Rodney “One of my exes is working PCH, these days, and she would bite you, or punch you, if you tried to kiss her.”

    I’m guessing PCH doesn’t stand for Publishers Clearing House unless there’s a lot more than a giant check in that Prize Patrol Van.

  15. Nothing against sex workers, I just think having to pay for sex from a stranger instead of getting it as gift from someone you really care about sounds kind of sad. Alternately I think having sex with strangers, no matter how much you get paid sounds really lonely. Poor Vince. Poor Sasha.

  16. @truthwalker:

    Yes, it is rather sad isn’t it. Unfortunately, there are a lot of folks who somehow or other don’t meet the necessary prerequisites, whatever they may be this week; this year, to gain such gifts from someone they really care about.

    It’s a dog-eat-dog world.

    That being said, I’m not so sure that having sex with strangers is such a lonely deal though. Sex with strangers can be quite exciting, exotic, and certainly fresh, different, and invigorating. And to get paid for it, especially as well paid as some high class, so-called, prostitutes (male and female) are doesn’t seem like such a dreadful thing.

    But I guess it’s all relative and somewhat dependent on motivation and other circumstantial and/or causal factors.

Leave a Reply

You May Also Enjoy

Close
Close