Yesterday, I received this hilarious email via my friend Jen. Her friend Kevin is a librarian who recently had an encounter with someone in need of serious research help. Here’s what went down (I’ve deleted her name and changed the name of the TV show, to protect the credulous):
I got a call from a local historian who’s been asked to make an appearance on [a TV show called “Haunted”]. There is a local bowling alley that is supposed to have some, um, visitation. (The historian) has been asked to provide background as to what may have caused this.
She called me. Conversation went something like this:
HER: “Do you have anything on [the name of the alley] in the vertical file?”
[I check–we don’t] HER: “I’m trying to think what would be a cause, as it were, of a haunting.”
Me: “Could someone have died in a hideous bowling accent?”
HER: “Well, no, but there was a skirmish there in 1775 and some British soldiers were killed. Do you think that’s good?”
Me: “I think for a ghost story it’s very good.”
HER: “But why would British soldiers be haunting a bowling alley?”
Me: “Well. they are dead. What else would they be doing with their time?”
HER: “But isn’t a haunting caused by some kind of horrific event?”
Me: “Well, I imagine being killed is quite horrific.”
HER: “Well it’s just that if I’m going to help make a segment for a television show I want the argument to be plausible.”
Me; “You told me the show is called Haunted. I doubt plausibility is a major concern.”
HER: “Oh and I remember now somebody died a really bizarre death around there at the turn of the century.”
Me: “Bizarre death is good. Whenever you have a chance to bring up a bizarre death you absolutely must.”
HER: “Okay, but I’ll have to do some research. I just don’t want this to seem specious.”
Me: “I imagine the only viewers of this show are cynics like me who want to laugh at the credulous and people who actually think they’ve seen Elvis. I imagine specious will be fine. You’re starting with the premise of a haunted bowling alley. There’s no direction to go but up.”
HER: “Oh thank you, Kevin, this is very reassuring.”
She actually said it without irony.
Not making this up.