News Fart is an expression I just invented. It means “a totally unnecessary piece of hot air which stinks up your public news page but can’t simply be ignored”. Â You know the type, they’re always about talking parrots or celebrity divorces. You resist clicking the headline all day because you know it’s crap, but after you’ve read every piece of ‘real’ news on the site, you find yourself clicking on the damn thing Â anyway, like the moment you can’t hold your breath any longer and have to take a lungful. Unless it’s my own fart which of course smell of baby rainbows and peaches.Â
Today I was trapped in a guff-filled elevator with this humdinger:
Prime Minister interrupted by own mobile – but what ringtone does he have?
From the BBC News homepage, that headline was accompanied by a pic of Gordon Brown, and no further information to confirm that the story was as utterly vaccuous and newsless as it appeared. I tried to ignore it. I’ve looked at the BBC News homepage about six times today, and every time, I tried to ignore it. But it wafted. It floated. It most definitely blew, and after having a conversation in my head several times in which I confirmed that I don’t give a flying monkey’s purple ass what ring tone my country’s leader has, I clicked the damn thing.
FINE. Now I know. I’ve smelt the fart of newsless news. I know that Gordon Brown has that awful NEENER NEENER, NEENER NEENER, NEENER NEENER, NEE Nokia ringtone that everyone hates. That’s appropriate, everyone hates Brown, too. But come on, BBC, please. Stop stinking up my news page with the fetid aftermath of last night’s curry.