I am not in my parents’ house. I am in an alternate universe where everything is made of sugar and Jeff Dunham is funny. There are 700 TV channels and not one has shown a commercial that wasn’t designed by and for idiots. Video Professor will teach me how to sell on eBay! Pay no mind to the free FAQ and step-by-step instructions on eBay’s web site! And now it’s SNUGGIE, the blanket with sleeves! It’s a blanket! With sleeves! The Snuggie! Two for the price of one! Two Snuggies! For the price of one Snuggie! Snuggie keeps your arms warm! Snuggie! Oh look, it’s Slim Clip, the amazing stainless steel wallet that you can put in the blender, if putting wallets in blenders is your sort of thing! That’s exactly how I lost my last wallet. And oh look, the History Channel has a show called UFO Hunters, because nothing says accurate historical scholarship like a weekly search for things that maybe don’t exist.
Ahem. Anyway. Comment o’ the Week! It goes to this report from the front lines of the War on Xmas:
Oskar Kennedy (LBB)
// Dec 23, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Dear Diary,
Heavy casualties today. Stumbled onto an advance party, scouts from the 1225th Hollyhuckers. We traded small arms fire, but their main force arrived too quickly, and we were overwhelmed. Private Leibowitz went to work on them with his nine-pronged flame thrower, and those of use who were still alive managed to retreat into the safety of the pine forest.
I looked back, and saw them hit Leibowitz’s position with a missle; TOW, I believe. They’ll be sending what’s left of him home in a Ziploc bag.
About a dozen of us made it back to the cave, and we’ve been holed up there ever since. We’ve got the lights down low and we’re trying not to be noticed. Those of us who still have an appetite are quietly munching on some egg rolls that I scrounged from the mess before we hiked down into this awful place.
The lieutenant thinks if we lay low for long enough, they’ll give up and let us go. I can hear him discussing it with three of our wisest men. The murmur of their voices almost sounds comforting.
Dawkins is on watch. He yells from the mouth of the cave. I see a starburst flare, high in the sky to the East. I hear ordinance cracking in long strings, like popping corn. Splashes of blood, bright crimson, stain Dawkins’ green fatigues.
We’re not going to make it out of here…
Was that too literal an interpretation?
Nope, that was just literal enough. Well done Oskar, your efforts have won you a SNUGGIE! You’ll have to assemble it yourself, though: just take an old sweatshirt and staple it to a blanket. Ta-da, Snuggie!
P.S.: Those of you who enjoyed Oskar’s entry should be sure to listen to Sam’s essay at the very end of the Very Special Skepchick War on Christmas.
We lost a lot of good men that day.
Was Sam’s essay the one with the Doors soundtrack? I wasn’t keen on it. It seemed a little earnest. But I loved Oskar’s! I also loved the Skepchick war on Christmas. I contributed to the War by buying my husband an “Evolving Darwin” playset, which he’ll display at his office (admittedly, a science lab, so not very bellicose in that context).
“And now it’s SNUGGIE, the blanket with sleeves! It’s a blanket! With sleeves! The Snuggie! Two for the price of one! Two Snuggies! For the price of one Snuggie! Snuggie keeps your arms warm! Snuggie!”
.
You’re forgetting that you also get, not one, but TWO clip on reading lights. But only if you call within the next 10 minutes.
My five year old is now obsessed with the SNUGGIE(tm)! Several times a day she pretends she’s cold and says “But if I had a Snuggie(tm) I could be warm AND still answer the phone!”
To which I respond “No one calls you anyway, so you’re not really gaining any benefit from the Snuggie(tm).”
Congratualaions Oskar, that was a good COTW.
Y’know, it’s only just now that I got the “nine-pronged flame thrower” bit. :-D
To be fair,
A blanket is darn difficult to use and blanket technology has consisted of four corners since it’s invention.
Basically, those wizards at “Snuggie co.”, saw an opportunity.
By using under aged slave labor, in a foreign country, and devastating the rain forest, they can provide a product useful to those who have an I.Q. below 70 and cannot figure out how to properly use a blanket.
I hear Sara Palin’s was 82, so she won’t be buying one, I think…
rod
BTW: They don’t really devastate the rain forest as part of their manufacturing technique. They do it just for fun.
i once owned the ancient precursor the snuggie. we called it a “terrycloth robe”
does anyone watch that commercial, see the family sitting around the fire in their red snuggies and think of The Stonecutters episode of the Simpsons?
Can I nominate this for Comment of the Year?
My favourite part of the Snuggie commercial is that one very serious-looking old guy who’s using the Snuggie. Mainly because he looks EXACTLY like a cult leader wearing his crazy cult robe. Dude’s totally a Stonecutter, I mean come on.
I had to look up the Snuggie commercial on youtube. Yeah, um, wow. It’s that whole cult robe / operating gown vibe that creeps me out. I guess that’s why it comes in burgundy.
Yeah, I think Amercian capitalism has just reached some sort of limit with the “snuggie”. Seriously, are blankets that hard to deal with, actually I think they’re comfortable.
@Steve DeGroof—Yeah I grew up in a Catholic school with Franciscan monks, and that’s what that commercial reminded me of, because of the weird robe look.
I’ve been watching some cable recently and I LOVE THOSE COMMERCIALS. They always start with “tired of inconvenient…” and somehow look like they were all shot in 1984. My favorite part is the sound effects.
Oskar, you’ve really outdone yourself (and everyone else) on this one. I laughed my ass off. I hope you don’t mind, but I used it in a “I’m Doomed” email to a couple friends of mine. They thought it was a riot.
@Elyse: I still own one myself, along with fleece lined slippers and flannel jammies.
Hmm, Snuggie eh? Well, being called Sugden, all the way through school and college I was known as “Suggy” by everyone including the then future Mrs S.
Now if you take the word “Snuggle” and combine it with “Suggy” you get “Snuggie” (which also sounds a bit like “nookie” the english word for sex).
Anyway, I’m certain that “Snuggie” was applied as a noun long before these blanket makers came along. If only we’d applied for a copywrite…
I think Oskar needs a cammo SNUGGIE for the next campaign, (congrats on the COTW) and Rebecca needs to drink more over the holidays.
@russellsugden: “shagging” is the British word for sex. “Nookie” is universal among English-language speakers.
Funny, I thought the SNUGGIE(tm) looked a LOT like an abaya. (I went to the website and the first picture is of a mom The man is much funnier.
I have one too, mine’s red. Over-sized terrycloth robe FTW!
@ Elyse: I have a terrycloth robe, too. Blue with red/white pinstriping, no less!
Yeah, I was at a friend’s house when they were showing the UFO Hunters segment about the lights over Illinios in 2004. I had a hard time keeping a straight face. Luckily, my friends are airline people too and we just rooled our eyes at each other.
Funny how those “mysterious” lights could transit some of the busiest airspace in the US without a problem…the Terminal Control Area and controlled airspace around O’Hare. You’d think if there really was something odd about those lights, there would be about 50 F-15’s and F-16’s chasing after them, seeing that these are the post-9/11 days…The US is a bit sensitive about unidentified aircraft…
“And if you call right now, you can get a deluxe cheese straightener!” (With a nod to the great Frisbeetarian, George Carlin. I hope you’re laughing it up on the roof, George!)
Am I the only one that thinks that guy selling the ShamWOW is really, really scary…?
@QuestionAuthority: So glad you brought up the ShamWOW! My sister-in-law got it from her mom because she (my SIL) spent countless late nights with a crying baby watching that commercial, to the point where she could recite it word-for-word. It became a great running gag last night.
I just love the fact that they put the word “SHAM” in the actual product name. Was that by court order?
Aw shucks. Thanks for the kind words. It’s that kind of external validation that keeps me coming back to the Internets. That and the DIY prizes. =)
@Elyse:
That’s it. It’s been driving me nuts (you know… even more nuts). Every time I see the commercial I think, “I’ve seen this scene, like in a movie or something”. It’s so familiar, but I just can’t place it. It’s the Stonecutters from The Simpsons.
Thank you, Elyse.
I am a Hedge