Hello and welcome to this late edition of Monkeys and High Hats. My goal was to have this up about 12 hours ago but there was a combination of Valium and other life things distracting me.
Forgive me, skeptics, for my tardiness. Or don’t, but if you choose not to, you have to show up at Mahoney’s on Saturday to issue my punishment (sentencing guidelines call for Bombay Sapphire gimlets at the expense of the offended party).
Either way, here are your Olympics-free Monkeys and High Hats after the fold.
Good news about baby bottles! You know how letting your babies drink from bottles will cause bisphenol A to leak into their drinks shrinking their genitals, making them infertile, lowering their IQ’s, leaving them dateless for prom, and causing them to make gay snuff films in your basement? Well it turns out that while, yes, BPA does leak out into bottles, but not in amounts large enough to do any harm.
I guess I moved into a basement-less house for nothing.
Monkeys to Danica McKellar for bringing the awesome once again. As if writing Math Doesn’t Suck wasn’t rad enough, she just wrote a second book for pre-teen girls called Kiss My Math: Showing Pre-Algebra Who’s Boss.
A couple of excerpts from the excerpt on her website:
So, what does “Kiss My Math” mean?
It means: “Um, excuse me, I’m going to do whatever I want with my life, and I’m sure as heck not going to let a little math get in my way.”
And if anyone tells you it’s impossible to be fabulous and smart and make a ton of money using math, well, they can just get in line behind you—and kiss your math.
Sassy, sexy, snarky and smart, I have a serious internet girl-crush on Danica.
(Monkey to reader Paul for the heads-up)
I’d like to take back everything bad I’ve ever said about Comcast, and apologize by giving them a monkey. Comcast is giving me a free* Wii! I’m debating whether this promotion is better than the Pampers promotion that gives vaccines to babies in third-world Africa. It’s a close call.
I’ve been wanting a Wii since before I got my first Atari, so Comcast are my heroes this week.
*Free for signing up for Comcast service. They didn’t ring my doorbell and say, “Hey, we’ve got this extra Wii that no one wants. It’s free. You want it?”
First, hats to me because I believe this was sent in by a reader, but I can’t seem to find who sent it in. Second, hats to Britain’s Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority for their decision to cut a rape victim’s compensation by 25% because she “contributed” to the incident by being drunk.
The Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority (CICA) told 29-year-old Helen, whose drink was spiked before she was raped four years ago, that she would be awarded $15,696 rather than the standard $20,928 because, “The evidence that we have shows that your excessive consumption of alcohol was a contributing factor in the incident.”
You know, because if she wasn’t drinking, she wouldn’t have a drink for some guy to spike. Leaving her glass out there in the open was obviously an implicit invitation to drug her which is practically giving consent (25% of the time anyway.) Or maybe she was slutty enough to be wearing make up and a skirt and therefore was totally consenting to roofie sex.
The saddest story I’ve heard in a long time: Baby Manjhi was born July 25 by a hired surrogate mother in India to Japanese parents with the husband’s sperm and an anonymous donor egg. Unfortunately, the parents divorced before Mahjhi was born. The Japanese mother has decided she no longer wants to be a mom and is not going to claim Manjhi as her daughter.
The surrogate mom is not about to get involved. She was hired to carry the baby to term and her job was done.
The happy news is that the father desperately wants his daughter. The sad news is that when he arrived in India with his mother – Manjhi’s grandmother, he was not allowed to bring her home because she cannot be issued a passport without her mother’s consent. So he decided he would adopt her – his biological daughter.
But India said no way. A single man has no business adopting a girl.
And in the whole mess, CNN reports,
Then, with Manjhi stuck in legal limbo, she became sick and had to be hospitalized. Without her birth mother around, the tiny child refused to eat and became dehydrated. She also contracted septicemia.
Her father and grandmother were heartbroken as they found themselves in a legal mess with a sick baby girl in a country where they didn’t know the law and didn’t speak any of the languages.
There is a chance she may be going home to Japan with her father, but it’s still uncertain.
On to more baby ridiculousness. Hats to NBC’s Baby Borrower’s aftermath episode. The first 15 minutes of the hour long episode was spent talking to the teens about how raising kids was way harder than any of them thought. The rest of the episode was stupid filler about how the teens slept in the same beds together (with an Abstinence-Only-Educator-On-the-Spot to consult) and a half hour on the “teen pregnancy epidemic”. And guess who’s to blame for the epidemic. Why. the media, of course. Teen girls are getting pregnant because Jamie Lynn Spears was on the cover of some magazine holding a baby and Juno won an Oscar.
Maybe it’s been a while since I’ve been a teenager, but I’m pretty sure that any girl who gets pregnant because she saw someone in a movie do it is probably getting pregnant anyway, and her pregnancy risk is likely only number 4 or 5 on the list of the problems she already has.
I have an idea! Instead of blaming the Spears family for everything wrong with society, how about we, as a society, take responsiblity for our kids. Let’s take responsibility for educating them about sex and what happens when you have it and how to avoid unwanted pregnancies. Let’s talk to them like the intelligent human beings that they are and let them know that abstinence is the only 100% fool-proof way to avoid things like STDs and pregnancy, but if they choose not to abstain, there are other options.
Nah, forget it. If people started doing that, there would be no sensationalism to panic the parents of teenagers.
That’s all for this week!