Nuclear Baby Will Eat Your Soul
Thursday is the end of the world, which sucks because I’m going to pub trivia tonight and the prize is always money off your next bar tab and there’s just no way I’m getting back over that way Wednesday because that’s the big Scooper Bowl and then I have to do the podcast. I mean, maybe if the end of the world comes really late Thursday, since after work I can’t get to the bar before 7pm or so. All of which is to say . . . well, I’ll just let this image do the talking for the moment, and we’ll continue after the jump.
That’s right, on Thursday, the Nuclear Baby will tease back his bangs, lovingly cradle his giant doobie, and ride the EXPLOSION of SIN straight into your living room, fool. Crazy Texas-based cult The House of Yahweh is trusting that the third time’s a charm when it comes to naming doomsdays — September 12, 2006 came and went with little fanfare and June 12, 2007 was a great big non-doomsday disappointment, but this time they’re so totally sure that June 12, 2008 is absolutely IT. Nuclear Baby will have his day.
The HoY has seen a lot of poor press in its history, like when its leaders have been prosecuted for raping kids and then occasionally killing kids, too. If you head to the HoY site, you’ll find a helpful “Fact or Fiction” page addressing these claims. See?
RUMORS
* The House of Yahweh is a dangerous cult with guns and ammunition.
* The House of Yahweh offers animal sacrifices.
* House of Yahweh Members are locked in and no one is allowed in or out.
* House of Yahweh Members are only fed bread and water but work long hours daily.
* Everyone’s possessions go to The House of Yahweh.
Okay, so nothing on that list is actually addressed or debunked on the site. So . . . I guess all that stuff’s true.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a heads up so that you can plan your final days accordingly.
Special thanks to everyone who sent this in, including Mike W., Greg, and others. It has just occurred to me that when normal people search their GMail for “doomsday” they only get one, maybe two results. I had 54.
0
7890
5276
51 Comments
writerdd
06.10.2008
Oh, that must be why I’ve been in such a shitty mood lately!
Elyse
06.10.2008
My husband is totally behind this one, I think… Saturday is our anniversary and Sunday is my birthday. If this works out, he’s totally off the hook for presents.
If it doesn’t work out, he still has one day to get his ass to the mall.
TheCzech
06.10.2008
The true kings of doomsday predictions are Jehovah’s Witnesses. They are indefatigable. No matter how many times their predictions fail, they keep trying.
jtradke
06.10.2008
Dood, I will be so pissed if this happens. I have off on Friday.
You got some ‘splainin’ to do, Yahweh!
teambanzai
06.10.2008
Wow they need to work on their pitch. How are they supposed to recruit new members?
Rebecca
06.10.2008
I think their pitch is great. LOOK AT THAT NUCLEAR BABY! It makes me laugh every time I see it.
Sam Ogden
06.10.2008
Dateline or 20/20 (I forget which one) did a story on these guys just last week. Seems that the head dude owns several grocery/hardware/etc. stores, and every once in a while announces a date for a nuclear disaster. And when he does, guess where all his followers go to buy truck loads of supplies to ride it out.
Also, he was arrested shortly after the piece was taped for television. Last I heard, he was out on bail.
ru_seriously
06.10.2008
My daughter was born on 6/12/07, so maybe I’ve unwittingly spawned the nuclear baby! I’ll post here if I see any signs of the pending apocalypse.
Sam Ogden
06.10.2008
Okay, it was 20/20. Here’s a link to the story on the ABC website:
http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=5008225&page=1
Jen
06.10.2008
Why can’t crazy cultists/fundamentalists ever seem to get good graphic design? Seriously, I have to dismiss them on aesthetic grounds alone.
durnett
06.10.2008
Wait, hang on…the world is ending on Thursday? What the frack am I doing online? I have some serious end-time debauchery that needs to be checked off the life list.
So, who is hosting the End of Days Skeptical Orgy and Potluck?
DMS
06.10.2008
Myself, I’ve got a Friday deadline for an assignment I never really wanted. So this Doomsday stuff would be good news, in a way.
I’m suing the HoY if it doesn’t come to pass.
RSLancastr
06.10.2008
Is it “head’s up”? I thought it was “heads up.”
(Just wanted to make a meaningful contribution…)
teambanzai
06.10.2008
Son of a… I just realized Thursdays the opening of the improv show I’m doing. Can we put this end of the world thing off a day or two?
Rebecca
06.10.2008
RSLancastr, I have no idea what you are talking about. No idea. Nuclear Baby may have caused some trouble.
ru_seriously: HOLY CRAP, quick, go check on your baby. Take a photo. Does it look like it’s holding a giant doobie and riding an EXPLOSION of SIN?
Rystefn
06.10.2008
Well, I guess the end of the world would qualify as an excused absence from the reunion this weekend, and I can’t have that. If it does happen, I’ll definitely be going.
Expatria
06.10.2008
I’m mostly alright with the world ending on Thursday. One less day of work, after all, and even this little advance notice means I don’t have to buy a Father’s Day gift, so BONUS there.
And really, it makes sense that it’s happening on a Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays…
Rebecca
06.10.2008
PS, I’ve helpfully added the end of the world to the Skepchick Calendar.
Rystefn
06.10.2008
Damnit! Why didn’t I think of that joke. You win… You win the internet. I suck at everything. May I please bask in your glory for a moment before I head off to commit seppuku?
jtradke
06.10.2008
I just got a new baby nephew last week. Do you guys think he could be nuclear? I mean, I heard some sort of explosion in his diaper just the other day. Are there any other warning signs to look for?
TheCzech
06.10.2008
June 12th is actually my girlfriend’s birthday. Maybe this means one of these years her birthday will go out with a bang.
a.real.girl
06.10.2008
Had I know, I might have considering having children myself. Who knows, I might have been the one a Nuclear Baby.
But now, with only two days left, it’s not my unspawn I’m sorry about, it’s that I won’t get to see the end of BSG.
Damn EXPLOSION of SIN!
Peregrine
06.10.2008
If Thursday really is the end of the world, that would really suck, because I have May 10th, 2015 in the office pool.
Expatria
06.10.2008
They say you can’t hug your children with nuclear arms, but can you hug nuclear children with lead arms? Can you nuke your children with huggable arms? I think I’m confused.
KingMerv00
06.10.2008
The world ends on thursday the 12th? Little early, don’t ya think?
aiabx
06.10.2008
Damnit! All that trouble helping the kids put the Mother’s Day brunch together, and I don’t get my Father’s Day pancakes. Was that ever wasted effort.
ddr
06.10.2008
That really sucks. I spent $600 on my wife’s birthday gift and her birthday is the 13th. I guess I’ll have to give it to her early, but she will never have time to use it. Why didn’t I hear about this a few weeks ago?
Divergence of B
06.10.2008
End of the world? As if I need an excuse to ignore my diet.
Rebecca
06.10.2008
ddr: That’s my fault, I’ve actually been sitting on this info for awhile but waited to post it until the last minute because I thought it would be funnier to see you all really panic. It’s cruel, but I just can’t help myself. This is why I had my medical license revoked.
Divergence of B: I know, I totally just had a big cup of pudding!
Augustus
06.10.2008
If the world ends on Thursday, no one’s gonna hear the podcast anyway so I say go crazy.
Masala Skeptic
06.10.2008
End of the world a week before TAM? UNPOSSIBLE!
Slaytanic
06.10.2008
Well, if the world has to end the 12th (and apparently it will), hopefully the proto-Chucky will at least share his Evil Giant Doobie. There’s nothing that brings a more calming effect pre-apocalypse than Satan’s Mega Bomber ‘J’ lit with the purifying fire of sinful explosia.
What I want to know is… what’s in his bottle? Is it vodka, or is it the tears of the righteous?
The sin… it burns us!
kookbreaker2
06.10.2008
Darn apocalypse!
Amanda
06.10.2008
Oh, awesome! I don’t have to worry about exercising, getting a job, or doing my laundry!
Thanks for the heads-up!!
ekimbrough
06.10.2008
Don’t high-hat the Nuke Baby.
(Somebody had to say it. Might as well be me.)
durnett
06.10.2008
Rebecca-
As long as your adding the end of the world to the calendar, you might want to put December 21, 2012 on there as well. That’s the end of the Mayan long count calendar and another doomsday. I guess that the mice will recreate us on Friday to continue their great work.
The Bible Code guy also says 2012 will be the end to our miserable existence thanks to a large comet.
The Bible Research and Investigation Company says it will be in 2034. No date, though.
Rav Winston
06.10.2008
Well, I’ve been unemployed sor the past nine months, so if the world is going to end this Thursday, GOOD!
That means I won’t have to try to pay my property and school taxes without an actual salary!
Can I sue Yisrael Hawkins if it doesn’t pan out?
KingMerv00
06.10.2008
Guess there is no point in buying the new skeptchick/dude calendars. Wouldn’t get much use from them.
NoAstronomer
06.10.2008
I’m happy that this ‘apocalypse’ is working out for some of you. But it’s a giant headache for me!
Since my daughters last soccer game of the season was going to be Saturday is there any point in holding practice on Wednesday?
ddr
06.10.2008
Thats OK rebecca. I guess if the world is going to end it does not matter much if there is an extra $600 in my bank account or not. I hope it ends in the morning though. I have to make the final reservations and payment for the wife’s birthday party by Thursday afternoon.
Expatria
06.10.2008
I think someone needs to sue the House of Yahweh for discrimination against nuclear babies. On behalf of nuclear babies everywhere, I have to say that is discriminatory to imply that all nuclear babies intend to bring about the apocalypse.
Some of my best friends are nuclear babies. Most nuclear babies are peaceful, respectful people who almost never destroy worlds with explosions of sin. Indeed, Nuclear Babyism is a lifestyle of peace (and doobies).
Just because these babies are composed entirely of fissile material and have a tendency to reach critical sin mass when carrying doobies, causing their hair to stand all on end, is no reason to denigrate and slander them all as heralds of the end times. It’s out and out bigotry.
Kimbo Jones
06.10.2008
The baby in that picture is frigging hysterical. Hahahaha. Ah, adorable…
jenigray
06.10.2008
I’m going to go on record with my own prophecy: On the morning of June 13th, Yisrayl Hawkins will announce that Yahweh came to him and said He decided to be patient with us and give us some more time to repent of our sins before the REAL end of the world comes.
So, what do I win if I’m right? *grins*
weatherwax
06.10.2008
I was thinking the same thing, Jenigray, but I was wondering if Yahweh came too him the last couple failed apocalypses. How many times can you play: “Dude, I’m gonna like open a big can a whoop ass on the world!”
“Just kidding dude. It’s all good.”
You’d think Hawkins would catch on eventually.
Amanda
06.11.2008
Expatria… I think it’s unhealthy to laugh that hard right before bed. Stop being funny on the internet.
That is all.
(Nuclear Baby for President!)
TheCzech
06.11.2008
weatherwax: “How many times can you play: ‘Dude, I’m gonna like open a big can a whoop ass on the world!’”
A lot of times.
There used to be a web site called “A Brief History of the Apocalyse”, but it appears to be down now. It listed a lot of end of the world. This Yahweh guy hasn’t even gotten started compared to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
The thing is, believers are not let down when the prediction fails. In fact, their faith becomes stronger than ever each time.
jenigray
06.13.2008
Well, I’ve seen nothing on MSNBC about a nuclear holocost yet. Are you guys still alive?
*giggles*
Seriously, though, I think we ought to give Mr. Hawkins a really hard time about his prophecy failing to come true. He needs to be held accountable for scaring his followers into thinking the world is about to end. Agreed?
Expatria
06.13.2008
I’m so depressed. Nuclear Baby has failed again. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you interloping adolescents!
Improbable Bee
06.13.2008
Crap! Did I miss it? I mean, I’ve been super busy this weekend getting ready to do the music for a wedding that both my children are in while their father is out of the country for two weeks, so if the world’s end was in the news I didn’t see it. I hate it so much when I’m behind on current events.
(Also, thanks to Rystefn for “You win … You win the internet.” It was about time for a good laugh.)
Endicot
06.14.2008
The website “A Brief History of the Apocalypse” is back up at http://www.abhota.info/index.htm
A couple of other good End of the World sites are: “Exit Mundi” http://www.abhota.info/index.htm and Alma Geddon’s wonderful “It’s the End of the World as We Know It…Again” http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Oracle/9941/index.html
It’s too bad the world didn’t end on Thursday as I had to visit my financial planner that morning.
Endicot
06.14.2008
Woops!
The URL for “Exit Mundi” is http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm
There are no trackbacks to display at this time.