ReligionSkepticism

Nuclear Baby Will Eat Your Soul

Thursday is the end of the world, which sucks because I’m going to pub trivia tonight and the prize is always money off your next bar tab and there’s just no way I’m getting back over that way Wednesday because that’s the big Scooper Bowl and then I have to do the podcast. I mean, maybe if the end of the world comes really late Thursday, since after work I can’t get to the bar before 7pm or so. All of which is to say . . . well, I’ll just let this image do the talking for the moment, and we’ll continue after the jump.

That’s right, on Thursday, the Nuclear Baby will tease back his bangs, lovingly cradle his giant doobie, and ride the EXPLOSION of SIN straight into your living room, fool. Crazy Texas-based cult The House of Yahweh is trusting that the third time’s a charm when it comes to naming doomsdays — September 12, 2006 came and went with little fanfare and June 12, 2007 was a great big non-doomsday disappointment, but this time they’re so totally sure that June 12, 2008 is absolutely IT. Nuclear Baby will have his day.

The HoY has seen a lot of poor press in its history, like when its leaders have been prosecuted for raping kids and then occasionally killing kids, too. If you head to the HoY site, you’ll find a helpful “Fact or Fiction” page addressing these claims. See?

RUMORS

* The House of Yahweh is a dangerous cult with guns and ammunition.
* The House of Yahweh offers animal sacrifices.
* House of Yahweh Members are locked in and no one is allowed in or out.
* House of Yahweh Members are only fed bread and water but work long hours daily.
* Everyone’s possessions go to The House of Yahweh.

Okay, so nothing on that list is actually addressed or debunked on the site. So . . . I guess all that stuff’s true.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a heads up so that you can plan your final days accordingly.

Special thanks to everyone who sent this in, including Mike W., Greg, and others. It has just occurred to me that when normal people search their GMail for “doomsday” they only get one, maybe two results. I had 54.

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Rebecca Watson

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

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51 Comments

  1. My husband is totally behind this one, I think… Saturday is our anniversary and Sunday is my birthday. If this works out, he’s totally off the hook for presents.

    If it doesn’t work out, he still has one day to get his ass to the mall.

  2. Dateline or 20/20 (I forget which one) did a story on these guys just last week. Seems that the head dude owns several grocery/hardware/etc. stores, and every once in a while announces a date for a nuclear disaster. And when he does, guess where all his followers go to buy truck loads of supplies to ride it out.

    Also, he was arrested shortly after the piece was taped for television. Last I heard, he was out on bail.

  3. Wait, hang on…the world is ending on Thursday? What the frack am I doing online? I have some serious end-time debauchery that needs to be checked off the life list.

    So, who is hosting the End of Days Skeptical Orgy and Potluck?

  4. Myself, I’ve got a Friday deadline for an assignment I never really wanted. So this Doomsday stuff would be good news, in a way.
    I’m suing the HoY if it doesn’t come to pass.

  5. RSLancastr, I have no idea what you are talking about. No idea. Nuclear Baby may have caused some trouble.

    ru_seriously: HOLY CRAP, quick, go check on your baby. Take a photo. Does it look like it’s holding a giant doobie and riding an EXPLOSION of SIN?

  6. I’m mostly alright with the world ending on Thursday. One less day of work, after all, and even this little advance notice means I don’t have to buy a Father’s Day gift, so BONUS there.

    And really, it makes sense that it’s happening on a Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays…

  7. I just got a new baby nephew last week. Do you guys think he could be nuclear? I mean, I heard some sort of explosion in his diaper just the other day. Are there any other warning signs to look for?

  8. Had I know, I might have considering having children myself. Who knows, I might have been the one a Nuclear Baby.

    But now, with only two days left, it’s not my unspawn I’m sorry about, it’s that I won’t get to see the end of BSG.

    Damn EXPLOSION of SIN!

  9. That really sucks. I spent $600 on my wife’s birthday gift and her birthday is the 13th. I guess I’ll have to give it to her early, but she will never have time to use it. Why didn’t I hear about this a few weeks ago?

  10. ddr: That’s my fault, I’ve actually been sitting on this info for awhile but waited to post it until the last minute because I thought it would be funnier to see you all really panic. It’s cruel, but I just can’t help myself. This is why I had my medical license revoked.

    Divergence of B: I know, I totally just had a big cup of pudding!

  11. Well, if the world has to end the 12th (and apparently it will), hopefully the proto-Chucky will at least share his Evil Giant Doobie. There’s nothing that brings a more calming effect pre-apocalypse than Satan’s Mega Bomber ‘J’ lit with the purifying fire of sinful explosia.

    What I want to know is… what’s in his bottle? Is it vodka, or is it the tears of the righteous?

    The sin… it burns us!

  12. Rebecca-
    As long as your adding the end of the world to the calendar, you might want to put December 21, 2012 on there as well. That’s the end of the Mayan long count calendar and another doomsday. I guess that the mice will recreate us on Friday to continue their great work.

    The Bible Code guy also says 2012 will be the end to our miserable existence thanks to a large comet.

    The Bible Research and Investigation Company says it will be in 2034. No date, though.

  13. Well, I’ve been unemployed sor the past nine months, so if the world is going to end this Thursday, GOOD!

    That means I won’t have to try to pay my property and school taxes without an actual salary!

    Can I sue Yisrael Hawkins if it doesn’t pan out?

  14. I’m happy that this ‘apocalypse’ is working out for some of you. But it’s a giant headache for me!

    Since my daughters last soccer game of the season was going to be Saturday is there any point in holding practice on Wednesday?

  15. Thats OK rebecca. I guess if the world is going to end it does not matter much if there is an extra $600 in my bank account or not. I hope it ends in the morning though. I have to make the final reservations and payment for the wife’s birthday party by Thursday afternoon.

  16. I think someone needs to sue the House of Yahweh for discrimination against nuclear babies. On behalf of nuclear babies everywhere, I have to say that is discriminatory to imply that all nuclear babies intend to bring about the apocalypse.

    Some of my best friends are nuclear babies. Most nuclear babies are peaceful, respectful people who almost never destroy worlds with explosions of sin. Indeed, Nuclear Babyism is a lifestyle of peace (and doobies).

    Just because these babies are composed entirely of fissile material and have a tendency to reach critical sin mass when carrying doobies, causing their hair to stand all on end, is no reason to denigrate and slander them all as heralds of the end times. It’s out and out bigotry.

  17. I’m going to go on record with my own prophecy: On the morning of June 13th, Yisrayl Hawkins will announce that Yahweh came to him and said He decided to be patient with us and give us some more time to repent of our sins before the REAL end of the world comes.

    So, what do I win if I’m right? *grins*

  18. I was thinking the same thing, Jenigray, but I was wondering if Yahweh came too him the last couple failed apocalypses. How many times can you play: “Dude, I’m gonna like open a big can a whoop ass on the world!”

    “Just kidding dude. It’s all good.”

    You’d think Hawkins would catch on eventually.

  19. weatherwax: “How many times can you play: ‘Dude, I’m gonna like open a big can a whoop ass on the world!'”

    A lot of times.

    There used to be a web site called “A Brief History of the Apocalyse”, but it appears to be down now. It listed a lot of end of the world. This Yahweh guy hasn’t even gotten started compared to the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

    The thing is, believers are not let down when the prediction fails. In fact, their faith becomes stronger than ever each time.

  20. Well, I’ve seen nothing on MSNBC about a nuclear holocost yet. Are you guys still alive?

    *giggles*

    Seriously, though, I think we ought to give Mr. Hawkins a really hard time about his prophecy failing to come true. He needs to be held accountable for scaring his followers into thinking the world is about to end. Agreed?

  21. Crap! Did I miss it? I mean, I’ve been super busy this weekend getting ready to do the music for a wedding that both my children are in while their father is out of the country for two weeks, so if the world’s end was in the news I didn’t see it. I hate it so much when I’m behind on current events.

    (Also, thanks to Rystefn for “You win … You win the internet.” It was about time for a good laugh.)

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