Anti-ScienceRandom AsidesSkepticism

World Homeopathy Awareness Week – Day 4: Homeopathy and your Junk

Yes, it is Sunday, the perfect day to talk about how your uh-oh parts can benefit from homeopathy. If you have a problem with your vagina (for girls) or penis (for boys) you may be in luck! Your local homeopath just may have the cure for your ailing privates.

If you do not have a problem with your down-theres but your homeopath insists on “examining” you there, yell as loud as you can, “Stop! Don’t do that! It’s not alright with me!”

Then find a grown up you can trust. If you cannot find a grown-up, please contact the local authorities and/or Skepchick.org.

I checked out alternateheals.com thinking I was finding out how to cure infertility with homeopathy. I expected it would make me angry, but it turned out to be a bit less angering and a bit more disturbingly funny. Beyond the fold are uses for homeopathy for when your plumbing is out of whack:

Use of Sepia in Male

Sepia is useful if the man has a dragging sensation in the genitals and no desire for sex. Sepia is a homeopathic infertility remedy, which is safe, effective and gives desired result. The practitioner decides the administering dose and the development need to be closely monitored.

Dragging sensation? Dragging? Like as in, “Gee doc, my manhood is so large I can’t keep it off the sidewalk when I go for a jog. It’s so bad it actually hampers my desire for sex. I either need a penis reduction or a homeopathic remedy.”

Or a pair of goddamn underwear and a reality check.

Use of Cannabis sativa for Burning Sensation when Urinating Split Stream

Cannabis Sativa is useful for people who have a history of marijuana use which results in reduced sex drive. The person may suffer and feel burning sensation when urinating and urinate in a split flow. It is prescribed for them to take one dose of Cannabis sativa 30x three times daily for up to three days. This whole routine is done once in a month in three months.

So if your wiener burns while you pee, and you are peeing more than one stream, just smoke some pot… or drink it… or whatever. Just don’t get pulled over.

Burning Pee Guy: C’mon officer, it’s for medicinal use, man.

Cop: You have glaucoma?

BPG: Naw man. I got fire in my pee, man.

Cop: What?

BPG: Yeah, and it sucks dude. It comes out in two streams. Here, let me show you.

Cop: [into his radio]I’m gonna need some back-up, [to Burning Pee Guy] You’re under arrest sir. And so is your “doctor”.

Also, ladies, don’t date guys who smoke pot and are into homeopathy.

Use of Medorrhinum for on and off Impotence

Medorrhinum is effective and good for people who suffer from nervousness and are sensitive, with a past experience of on-again, off-again impotence. The person also has occasional pain while urination, and might have allergies. For them it is advisable to take one dose of Medorrhinum 200x or 200c three times for a week. It needs to be stopped for two months and then repeated again.

Sometimes you’re not in the mood when your girlfriend is and you’re allergic to her cat. Never mind that it’s pretty much normal to not want to do it every time. And never mind that you might be able to feel a little more amorous if you could just get away from the cat. Nope, instead there’s a homeopathic remedy* for you!

(*You still might want to bring some Benadryl just in case the remedy doesn’t work. Anaphylactic shock is a mood killer erection or not.)

Other Homeopathic Infertilities Treatment

Lycopodium is a treatment for people who have wrinkles in forehead and have a tendency of balding. One may suffer from discomfort and indigestion and abdominal disorders, single dose of Lycopodium 30x or 15c is given three times a day up to 3 days. This routine can be repeated once in three months.

This guy is bald, wrinkly, complains about his aches, pains, and his GERD and he has excessive flatulence.

I’m no reproductive endocrinologist (or homeopath) but I think this diagnosis has nothing to do with needing fertility treatments. I’m pretty sure this “infertility” is caused by an inability to find a date.

PMS Or Premenstrual Syndrome

Homeopathic remedies are effective in treating bloats, cramps and other symptoms that accompany menstrual cycle.

Ignatia Amara can be taken to relief from emotional vulnerability, especially grief, contradictory feelings, and hysteria that might come in during PMS.

Pulsatilla is effective remedy to reduce the symptoms of PMS like sulkiness, mood swings, aches in legs, irritability, and over sensitivity, increased emotions and bloating.

Seriously. They seriously said women who menstruate need help dealing with hysteria and should stop sulking.

Wow. Just…….wow. Maybe I’m just being “over sensitive”.

Herpes Homeopathy

Herpes results because of viruses, it is infectious and transmittable when the abrasion or lesions are active.

Graphites is effective on large, itchy lesions in individuals and people who are overweight.

They might also want to include the fact that herpes is also transmittable when the abrasion or lesions are not active as well. The good news is that if you have herpes, are fat and are in the middle of taking your ACT, you can use your number 2 pencil to cure your junk.

Please burn your pencil after the test.

Too bad they don’t have a remedy for people who are too nauseated after reading this article to think about sex… because that’s the one that I need.

Good night and see you tomorrow for more “celebrating” of World Homeopathy Awareness Week!

Elyse

Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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10 Comments

  1. I hear that locking up women in institutions for being hysterical around that time of the month is also a good practice to follow. Nice and old-fashioned, just like homeopathy.

    By the way, Elyse, I’m loving this series. It’s great :)

  2. “If you do not have a problem with your down-theres but your homeopath insists on “examining” you there, yell as loud as you can, ‘Stop! Don’t do that! It’s not alright with me!'”

    I recommend that before this even happens, you stop seeing your homeopath. You can’t be too careful.

    “This guy is bald…I’m pretty sure this ‘infertility’ is caused by an inability to find a date.”

    Oh, I see how it is. Hatin’ on the bald guys.

  3. I like the bit at the beginning where they tell you that the “homeopathic natural substances [are] diluted to a point where none of the original substances can be found.”

    None! Not just “a little bit”, or “the spirit of”, none! Wow. I feel so much better now.

  4. It all sounds so damned medieval or made up, like Inigo Montoya and Fezzik looking for a miracle man to bring Westley back from the dead.

    I just watched that movie on Saturday night! For probably the twentieth time, which probably gives away the fact that I am a) 30-something and b) WAY too into fantasy/sci-fi. OH WELL.

    I know what you’re saying, though. It’s really hard to believe that anybody could actually believe in this stuff, even when you take into account the mass-market angel-on-my-shoulder pseudo-psychobabble crowd.

    *sigh*

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