Science

Orgasm Addict

I’m not usually one for attaching electrodes to my spine, but I might be willing to make an exception if I were to be presented with this Real-Life Orgasmatron! Basically, it’s an Altoids-tin-sized box that is implanted in a woman’s body and connected to her nervous system. A remote control allows you to activate the device and create a nearly instantaneous orgasm.

Apparently, this miracle device was discovered accidentally, when researcher Dr. Stuart Meloy was attempting to alleviate back pain in patients and found there was a very pleasant side effect. Can’t you picture it?

DOCTOR MELOY: What are you doing back, I thought you said the device was very effective?

PATIENT: Um, yes, but I hurt my back again.

DOCTOR: You just walked out the door and came right back.

PATIENT: The door was very heavy.

DOCTOR: It’s automated.

PATIENT: What are you doing for dinner tonight?

The really cool thing about this discovery is that there are women out there who have real problems achieving orgasm, so this could have a tremendous improvement in their quality of life.

Of course, the thing will cost a good $12,000 when it’s finally available, and who wants to bet that it’ll be a nightmare to get insurance to cover it? Just about seven years ago I was in college paying full price for birth control pills while my insurance company covered Viagra for men.

One final kudos for the good doctor (as though he needs another): he’s pretty funny.

Before Food and Drug Administration approval could be granted and the device sent to market — Meloy estimates that’s probably still two or three years away — the new design will need to be tested in another study, he says. But there will be no animal testing phase. “I don’t know how to ask animals, ‘Where do you feel the tingling?’ or ‘Do you want a cigarette?’ “

Thanks to Rav Winston for the tip-off!

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Rebecca Watson

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

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30 Comments

  1. In the name of science, I'm calling an emergency Skepchick team meeting this Friday at 3pm EST at:

    145 Kimel Park

    Suite 320

    Winston Salem, NC 27103

    (what? like no one else looked up the address?)

  2. "Basically, it’s an Altoids-tin-sized box that is implanted in a woman’s body and connected to her nervous system. A remote control allows you to activate the device and create a nearly instantaneous orgasm."

    But does it cuddle afterwards? ;)

  3. Imagine trying to explain that at the metal detector at the airport.

    "Oh, I… uh, have pins in my spine. Yes, that's it."

    "That's not what your doctor's note says, ma'am. Now, does this 'Orgazmatron' do what I think it does?!"

    It's bad enough when they call the bomb squad for someone's vibrator.

  4. In the name of science, I’m calling an emergency Skepchick team meeting this Friday at 3pm EST at:

    145 Kimel Park

    Suite 320

    Winston Salem, NC 27103

    Oh, how lovely. That's within driving distance for me!

    I have to go now.

    I mean, I have to go there. Now.

    (Love the purply quoty thing, Rebecca.)

  5. Wow. I'm totally going to MacGuyver together a similar device for men. Well, maybe just A man. For me. I'm going to invent a device like this for me. Now.

    (From tomorrow's paper)

    "Area Man Horrifically Electrocuted by Vibrating Home-made 'Orgasm Device'" – Neighbors said to be nauseated, inquisitive, faintly aroused"

  6. I’m not usually one for attaching electrodes to my spine, but I might be willing to make an exception if I were to be presented with this Real-Life Orgasmatron! Basically, it’s an Altoids-tin-sized box that is implanted in a woman’s body and connected to her nervous system. A remote control allows you to activate the device and create a nearly instantaneous orgasm.

    Okay, so I quoted that just because I could. Wheee! I can make each paragraph go purple for more convenient reading! Woohoo! … Um… Sorry.

    I can't help thinking an orgasmotron might be as bad as refined sugar.

    Ubiquitious, cheap sugar -> caries, diabetes, obesity, american bread, homosexuality (the bad kind), mormonism

    Ubiquitious, easy orgasms -> … who knows, but it has to be bad

  7. I'm sure I've read of developments on these lines before (which maybe says a lot about my subscribed news feeds), but it's surely creeping ever closer.

    Once this sort of thing is affordable and accessible, I figure it's pretty much guaranteed to either end all war, or wipe out the species. Bring it on.

    Why would a man need a device? Unless your dating skills AND both hands are broken…

    Because we're way lazy. If there was an easy way to cut down on all that unnecessary exercise, 90% of us would totally do it.

  8. Because we’re way lazy. If there was an easy way to cut down on all that unnecessary exercise, 90% of us would totally do it.

    Tired of having one arm comically larger than the other? Looking for more variety than just "Miss Right" and "Sister Sinister"? (It means "left" in Latin, assholes.)

    Malegasmotron is here to help!

  9. Hey now, guys with carpel tunnel syndrome have needs too.

    You know, you're right, that was insensitive of me to think only of my own personal benefits from the convenience of advanced Orgasmatron technology, and I apologise unreservedly.

    (And Joshua, the idea of personifying parts of my anatomy with names has always creeped me out, but if I now can't get the name 'Sister Sinister' out of my head and thus can no longer enjoy her company in quite the same way, I'm blaming you.)

  10. My cell phone comes with a side-effect. If it's anywhere near a speaker when it's updating the time, receiving, or I'm placing a call, there it creates a buzzing sound from the speaker. I'm not sure what causes it, but…

    I guess what I'm saying is that someone's gonna MacGuyver together a garage-door opener and electric can opener, and I see some great mischief being made here, mwahahahaha!

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