Dear Oprah: Leave Our Vaginas Alone
You already know how I feel about Oprah. Namely, that she does the entire planet an enormous disservice by appearing on television and convincing housewives to buy into stupid, harmful bullshit. Now she’s taken it another step too far. Into our vaginas.
I saw this clip yesterday, but I needed a full 36 hours plus a glass of wine before I could properly address it. It’s a woman named Dr. Christine Northrup, who is teaching Oprah and her audience how to . . . how to . . . I don’t even know. Direct their chi into their vaginas? To help them . . . orgasm? I don’t know, the whole thing makes me feel dirty, and not in the fun way.
A quick Google on Northrup shows a few interesting things. One, that she’s an author for Hay House, the publisher who keeps Sylvia Brown swimming in Twinkie wrappers. Two, that one of the top links is to a book-length criticism of her, but honestly the criticism makes her sound better than she sounds in this clip (on that site, she repeatedly tries to get her patient to have an hysterectomy and her patient refuses, believing she only needs Vitamin A).
So anyway, back to Oprah’s vagina. (I am so, so sorry.) The good doctor’s plan is to use Qi Gong to increase “energy flow” to the “lower hearts” (“vajayjays”) of the women in the audience. Qi Gong is an elaborate and often expensive superstition in which frauds and the gullible wave their hands over areas to increase “energy flow” to cure, well, everything. (Note: some of those gullible people are my friends. They’re still being gullible. Sorry, guys.)
So is it possible that Qi Gong works? I know you’re expecting me to say “hell no” and get on with the snark, but in this case, I’m going to give a qualified “yes.” See: there’s never been any proof at all that we have a magical “Qi” lifeforce running through us, but we do have blood. And it is possible to change how that blood proceeds along its way — for instance, if you have a good imagination or an Internet connection, you might be able to think of certain sexual situations that would cause that blood to rush to your, uh, “vajayjay,” to borrow Oprah’s term. Or your boy-jayjay, if you happen to be that sort.
So, all these women are hanging out thinking very hard about energy rushing toward their ‘jayjays. I’m going to get a little crazy here and suggest that maybe, just maybe, that might get them a little aroused, and therefore be considered a success.
Now, let’s all take a break to go vomit up our dinners at the thought of Oprah and her audience getting collectively aroused on national television.