Religion

Was Jesus Hot?

It’s Easter, so thoughts naturally turn to the big religious questions, like ‘is there any chocolate left?’, ‘isn’t this a Pagan festival?’, and my personal favourite ‘was Jesus hot?’

I invite you to submit your own ratings of the hotness of Jesus, but please keep any specific fantasies to yourself. First, a short investigation.

Our first port of call is that bastion of fact, the Bible. A quick speed-read (oh, alright, I Googled for it) reveals that there is no description of Jesus anywhere within its pages, and certainly no comment on his hunkiness or lack thereof. Forget that then, let’s find something else. Paintings.

The most popular depiction of Jesus is the beardy one, but this seems to have come about as a direct result of the discovery of the Shroud of Turin. Prior to the shroud, Jesus was often painted as a beardless , short-haired young chap. Think Brad Pitt with a flock of sheep. Troublesome, then, as my sources for rating Jesus’ hotness must rely on artistic depictions of him and most of the surviving ones have facial hair. Surveys show that only 3% of women find beards attractive, so I’m calling that a vote against hot. For now.

The most famous painting of Jesus is probably The Last Supper. It’s so famous, I have it on a placemat. I’m going to bring that in as evidence for hot, using the dodgy logic that as it’s the most famous, it must be the most appealing and therefore the hottest. He’s our archetypal Jesus then.

Here he is.

Jesus - hot or not?

It’s hard to see, but I’m assured he does actually have a beard in the painting. And in actual fact he does look sort of hot. In Da Vinci’s day there was a trend for portraying religious figures with feminine features, for example high cheekbones, arched eyebrows and rosebud lips. Hmm, who does that remind me of? Not, not Elvis.

Sean Penn.

Sean penn
Sean was voted the 58th sexiest man in the world, 2006, by 10,000 women. That’s all I need to make my decision. If Sean Penn is officially hot, and he looks like Jesus, then Jesus must also have been hot. And the final nail in the evidence coffin is a little reminder that Sean Penn was married to Madonna.

Case closed? Not quite. I have done a little master forgery and replaced the real Last Supper with my own version. If no-one notices, then it’s official. Jesus was hot.

Last Supper

Related Articles

25 Comments

  1. Jesus drank, and anyone who believes in transubstantiation drank Jesus. And ate a bit of his leg via the bread-cum-body-of-Christ.

    Jon, that picture is creepy-looking. The eyes are too high and the nose is too long. The important thing, thought, is to figure out which celebrity he resembles. Jon Heder?

  2. Probably the most reproduced image of Jesus was done by Warner Sallman, his famous Head of Christ, which he painted in 1940. About 500,000,000 copies were sold. I gather that the Army chose his rendering of Jesus for the standard issue Christian GI Bible, and the Army sort of ramped up in 1942 and a lot of copies were issued. The image sort of defined Jesus for an entire generation, even though some people argued that he looked a bit effeminate. Sallman did produce a number of other, more masculine, renderings of Christ, but it was his "Head of Christ" that went platinum.

    You can check out the image on http://www.warnersallman.com/ and decide how hunky he was for yourself.

  3. Sure, Jesus was SHIT hot. I mean he's fake, so that pretty much means he can be a walrus-bodied, duck-billed, four-breasted, eight-ball-having, purple, aquatic, vegan crime-fighter — or Sean Penn, or Robin Wright Penn, or Ed Asner, if that's what you're into.

    Happy Fleecester!

  4. Ahh, I'm familiar with the Warnet Sallman pic now I look at it. And is it any surprise it sold that well, it's rather jolly handsome. I would do that Jesus.

    davehog, sure Jesus was fake, but that doesn't stop me rating his hotness. Wait til Christmas when I expose that millions of people are attracted to Santa Claus.

  5. In what part of the year we get to discuss if Jesus was horny?

    I believe that issue was already settled by Christopher Moore in Lamb. I think the answer is that he was, but he hid it well.

  6. I think that all of you are missing the most important part of that entry:

    "Surveys show that only 3% of women find beards attractive"

    Yikes! Is this true? Which surveys? And why didn't anyone tell me? Why doesn't my wife want me to shave? Is she trying to make me look unattractive?

    Tkingdoll, you have shaken the very foundation of my belief and self identity.

    I'm going back to bed.

  7. "Jon, that picture is creepy-looking. The eyes are too high and the nose is too long. The important thing, thought, is to figure out which celebrity he resembles. Jon Heder?"

    I'm not sure about the premise – are celebrities more or less likely to be hot than non-celebrities?

  8. Jon, good question. I think that by their very nature, celebrities are more likely to be hot, for several reasons. Either they become celebrities because they are hot, or they are not hot by ordinary standards but after becoming a celebrity are catapulted into hotness. I'd guess that this latter effect is because a) they are usually always shown in their best light after hours of hair and makeup, b) become rich which in itself is attractive, c) are on television/film and therefore paradoxically available and unattainable, and d) offer the promise of a life different to the comparitively humdrum existence of the non-famous (I'm not saying that it's right, but it definitely exists). Also, they might be famous for a non-facial attribute which is attractive, for example being funny. Many women find Woody Allen attractive because he's funny, not because he's beautiful. Finally, you are more likely to be considered hot because you are simply exposed to more people rating you. The average guy probably only has his hotness rated by a few hundred women in his lifetime, but if you are famous that goes up to tens of millions. In terms of actual numbers, of course more women will find you hot.

    As far as my blog entry goes though, I used celebrity as the meter because there are annual surveys to rate attractiveness. Hence the need to find a look-a-like for your Jesus pic, so I could check that celeb against the survey rankings. In those surveys, newly famous men are always high in the rankings, for example Daniel Craig this year. Hence my assertion that the more famous you are, the more hot you will be rated, just because of exposure.

  9. tking doll – if offering "the promise of a life different to the comparitively humdrum existence" is hot, then Jesus is definitely hot. I doubt that He can deliver (but then neither can Tom Cruise…)

    Aren't there 'am I hot' sites you can submit photos to, though. Maybe submit one of Jesus – see what response it gets? mmm, sacrilicious…

  10. kathyrn, that's fab! I feel compelled to let you know that we are not one blogger but several – the name of the blogger appears next to the title of any given entry. Rebecca is our lord and mistress and the founder of this blog so I will send your blog entry to her.

    Thanks!

    Tkingdoll

  11. Funny. I used to have quite long hair, and often a beard or goatee. I'm also quite slender. People always used to tell me 'Oh, you look like Jesus!' It annoyed me, but I accepted that I did sort of resemble classical depictions of J.H. Christ, and took it in stride.

    Now I'm finding out that Jesus is supposed to be HOT? Were these people hitting on me? I don't THINK so, considering that women were not particularly interested in me at the time. But maybe I just misread all of the flirtation as idle Jebus comparisons…I'm so confused! :-P

Leave a Reply

You May Also Enjoy

Close
Close